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I’m With Stupid – April 18, 2014

CHICKEN PIZZA AND TV SPORTS AT THE HAIR HOOTERS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI was watching the Masters on TV last weekend, and I noticed for the umpteenth time that every ad during the telecast was for either a financial services company or a pill to make your wiener hard. Why is that? Is the public perception of golf fans seriously that they’re all rich but impotent?

I find that pretty funny because I love golf and I’m neither of those things, although having been poor my entire adult life, I would happily take a penis pill for the money. Read the rest of this entry →

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04 2014

I’m With Stupid – April 11, 2014

CHICKEN WINGS, ROLLING ROCK AND BRAZILIAN BALLS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallIs there any way to quantify the value of fandom and superstition? I ask because I’m an unabashed supporter of the men’s and women’s basketball teams from the University of Connecticut, both of which just won national championships, and I’m pretty convinced that the men’s team couldn’t have won without my help.

Those of you who don’t know me very well might think that sounds reasonable; I do have some awesome point-guard skills with my right hand, after all, and once upon a time I could jump high enough to touch a basketball rim. Read the rest of this entry →

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04 2014

I’m With Stupid – April 4, 2014

THEY MAY BE AMERICAN, BUT THEY’RE SMART
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallIt’s been a good week for smart kids. There were two stories about clever teens that made headlines in the past few days, and in the telling of those stories I think we can learn a thing or two about race and culture in our country.

(At this point, I know what you’re thinking because I’m thinking it, too. You’re thinking, “Don’t do it, Todd. You’re a white guy from Connecticut, and you usually write about boogers, wieners and farts. Please don’t say anything about race.”) Read the rest of this entry →

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04 2014

I’m With Stupid – March 28, 2014

MAKING NORTH KOREAN BARBERS’ LIVES EASIER
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallDo you guys remember the 1971 Woody Allen movie “Bananas”? The plot, as you may recall, concerned a nebbishy New Yorker (In a Woody Allen film? What are the odds?) who travels to the made-up republic of San Marcos, gets involved in a revolution and somehow ends up becoming president of the country.

The reason I bring up “Bananas” is because it contains some of the greatest lines ever written about how ridiculous dictators and their demands can be. For example, there are these official decrees: “From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish,” and “All children under 16 years old are now 16 years old.” Read the rest of this entry →

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03 2014

I’m With Stupid – March 21, 2014

DONE WITH DONNE’S DUMB DIMINISHING DEATHS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallOnce upon a time, there was a poet named John Donne who, back around the turn of the 17th century, wrote a poem commonly referred to as “For Whom the Bell Tolls.” If that phrase sounds familiar, it may be because it’s also the name of a song by Metallica that can be found on their “Ride the Lightning” album. I’m sure you’ve all heard it many times.

What you may not be familiar with, however, is the actual poem (real name: “Meditation XVII”), which, like almost all poetry, doesn’t get read very often these days. That’s too bad, because it’s a very moving poem, and I’ll bet you know a couple of lines from it already, even if you don’t know you do. Read the rest of this entry →

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03 2014

I’m With Stupid – March 14, 2014

RIVER-CHANGING, LIBERAL WOLVES KIDNAPPED MY AUNT
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI got an email from my dad, an infrequent emailer, about a week ago that read, “This is interesting and might be food for a column.” It was a link to some website, and I could see from the email chain that it had been sent to him by an aunt of mine who seems to pass along every link to conservative propaganda she stumbles upon, regardless of the veracity of the linked sites’ content.

Suffice it to say, I had my doubts about how interesting the link was going to be, despite my father’s recommendation. Read the rest of this entry →

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03 2014

I’m With Stupid – March 7, 2014

MICHIGAN CITY MAKES MOST ANNOYING MISTAKE EVER
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallWho knew there was a safe zone? Honestly, how many of you folks realized that there was one place on Earth where people weren’t allowed to bother you? Did any of you know about it? Because I had no idea.

Imagine a place where, legally, “no person shall willfully annoy another person.” So all those cretins who irk you all day – all those phone callers and people ahead of you in traffic and all those morons who park too close to your car and Kim Kardashian – all those people; they could all be arrested Read the rest of this entry →

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03 2014

I’m With Stupid – February 28, 2014

REFUSING THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT’S RIGHT TO REFUSE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYou know those signs that restaurants and other businesses sometimes have — the ones that read “We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone”?

Do those signs only exist on TV, or are they real? Seriously. I could have sworn I’ve seen them before, but now I’m starting to wonder, because apparently you can’t just refuse service to anyone; you actually have to have a legitimate business reason. Read the rest of this entry →

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02 2014

I’m With Stupid – February 22, 2014

SHE’S GOT A GOLDMINE, AND I GOT THE SHAFT
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallEditor’s note: The following is written entirely in the local Roaring Fork Valley dialect of Skibonics, the language of ski bums. Readers who aren’t ski bums may need a 12-year-old’s help comprehending certain words and phrases.

So, about that epic beater I took a week and a half ago: It wasn’t my fault; it was Aspen Mountain’s fault. If Ajax hadn’t been skiing so well, I might not have been behaving like such an idiot and probably wouldn’t have fallen into a mine shaft. Read the rest of this entry →

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02 2014

I’m With Stupid – February 14, 2014

LOVING THE CONSPICUOUS CONSUMPTION OF FOSSIL FUELS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallHappy Valentine’s Day, honey! All right, enough of that crap. Let’s move on. I’ll be playing funk love songs on KDNK from 2 to 4 this afternoon, but other than that, I won’t acknowledge this insipid holiday.

I mean, obviously I’ll get my son treatment for the carpal tunnel syndrome he acquired from signing the dozens of meaningless, store-bought valentines he was forced to give his classmates, but other than that, we won’t be talking about Valentine’s Day. Read the rest of this entry →

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02 2014


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