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I’m With Stupid – February 12, 2016

NOW I KNOW WHY THEY CALL ME A BLOCKHEAD
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI have seen, in my day, a handful of monuments to people’s obsessions that I think were head and shoulders more impressive than the rest. There are the obvious ones, things like the Brooklyn Bridge, completed in 1883, and the Crazy Horse Memorial, which the Lakota tribe has been sculpting out of a granite mountain in South Dakota since 1948. The ones I really go for, however, are the ones that show how driven one or two motivated people can be.

My all-time favorites are Bishop Castle, a 160-foot-tall fortress that one guy has been building by himself in Colorado since 1969, and the Medieval Mosaic, an unbelievably intricate tapestry made out of millions of tiny metal pieces that a family in Geraldine, New Zealand, worked on for about 25 years. Read the rest of this entry →

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02 2016

I’m With Stupid – February 5, 2016

REVIEWING IMPORTANT STUFF AT THE SIA SNOW SHOW
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI got to do something fun last weekend when I attended the SnowSports Industries America Snow Show at the massive Colorado Convention Center in Denver. The annual event brings together all the biggest names in the worlds of skiing and snowboarding, but until this year it was sorely lacking in one critical element, namely me.

Sure, you might think the attendance of a snarky humor columnist isn’t exactly necessary for a trade show, but everything can benefit from an injection of stupid, and I’m just the guy to supply it. Read the rest of this entry →

05

02 2016

I’m With Stupid – January 29, 2016

SALLY FORTH AND LEAVE NO SWASH UNBUCKLED
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallAs a writer, I’m frequently asked to submit a brief bio to go along with my words in order to provide some context as to who exactly is expressing the views I express. For most writers, this type of bio often reads something like this: “Distinguished Joe H. Blow professor of self-aggrandizement, Bob’s College of Knowledge; former adviser to President Skroob, canonized saint, poetic soul, underprivileged-child-saving doctor, super-achieving all-around awesome person.”

(In case you’re wondering, I didn’t make that up; I basically just paraphrased every bio of every blogger on the Huffington Post.) Read the rest of this entry →

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01 2016

I’m With Stupid – January 22, 2016

AMERICA DESERVES A CANDIDATE WITH REAL STUPID
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallAvid readers of this column, both of them, may recall that a few months ago, I declared that I would be running for president in 2016. As you can imagine, given my track record, my campaign has not made it very far. In fact, that declaration a few months ago was pretty much the extent of it. But never fear. For I, like elephants and people from Quebec, never forget, and I’m finally ready to kick things into high gear.

Oh, I know I have some ground to make up. I realize that I’ve given the rest of the field a fairly sizable head start, but I’ve always liked a challenge. Read the rest of this entry →

22

01 2016

I’m With Stupid – January 15, 2016

GOING WHERE EVERYTHING IS AWESOME, HOPEFULLY
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThe following is an excerpt from my son’s extensive Christmas and birthday wish list (see if you can sense a theme): “Lego pasenger train, lego frate train, lego snow plow, lego space shutel, lego helacoptur, other lego helacoptur, lego airport, lego fire stayshun and a lego mini cooper for Mommy.”

If you guessed that the theme is that my son is a poor speller, you’d be wrong. I made those errors. They only slipped through because the editor also thought my son spelled them wrong. Read the rest of this entry →

15

01 2016

I’m With Stupid – January 8, 2015

THE REVOLUTION SHOULD NOT BE TELEVISED
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI don’t know about you, but I am really enjoying the beating the idiots at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon are taking online and in social media. Some of the nicknames are awesome: Y’all Qaeda. Vanilla ISIS. If those guys don’t yet realize how stupid they look, they’re even dumber than I thought.

I must say, it was pretty impressive how quickly there were 8 million news stories, blogs and columns about how differently this would be going if these domestic terrorists were people of color or Native Americans instead of lily-white, self-proclaimed patriots. Bravo on your expressions of outrage, everybody. The PC gods are appeased. Read the rest of this entry →

08

01 2016

I’m With Stupid – January 1, 2016

RESOLVING TO AVOID ELVES AND OTHER CRAP
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallLast week, as you may recall, we were discussing the Elf on the Shelf and what an ill-conceived idea I feel it is. It truly becomes a kind of sickness, and I’m pretty sure it’s not sending the right message to our kids. I know you might think that’s stretching things a bit, but there’s actual evidence to support such a claim.

A couple of weeks ago just before Christmas, a 7-year-old girl in New Jersey called 911 in hysterics after touching her Elf on the Shelf. She was apparently throwing a ball in the house and accidentally knocked the elf from its perch. Fearing she’d ruined the magic of Christmas, which would indeed be an emergency to a 7-year-old, the girl did what she’d been told to do in an emergency and made the call. Read the rest of this entry →

01

01 2016

I’m With Stupid – December 25, 2015

THE DREAD AFFLICTION OF ELVES ON YOUR SHELVES
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI realize this is going to sound like the Grinchiest thing ever, but I cannot wait for the holiday season to finally end so I can be rid of the infernal Elf on the Shelf that first darkened our home last yuletide. His name is Fred, and the sooner he packs his bags and disappears for another spring, summer and fall, the happier I will be.

If you’re not familiar with elves on the shelves, they’re supposed to be plush dolls that you buy and then set somewhere in your house for your child to find. However, through my own stupidity, the elf we got, Fred, ended up being an unposable, hard-rubber elf that looks like it’s squatting on the toilet. Read the rest of this entry →

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12 2015

I’m With Stupid – December 18, 2015

THE MANCHURIAN TRUMPIDATE AND HIS BIG HAIR SECRET
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI have to admit, I haven’t watched any of the Republican presidential debates yet, I don’t follow the polls and I’ve never visited any of the candidates’ websites to learn their positions on the issues, so I honestly don’t know much about what’s going on with the upcoming primaries. I heard some real estate developer and reality-TV star was leading the pack, but that sounded like a joke to me.

Given my lack of knowledge about all that, I hope you’ll forgive me when I ask: Who is this Donald Trump fellow with the wacky hair whose name and face I can’t seem to avoid even when I’m doing everything I can to avoid them? Read the rest of this entry →

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12 2015

I’m With Stupid – December 11, 2015

URINE PLAZA AND THE LOTTERY DEATH SENTENCE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallLiving in a small town in the mountains, as I do, I suppose I was less aware of the homelessness problem in America than I should have been. I mean, there are street corners around here where you expect to see panhandlers every day, but that’s about it. They tell me homelessness is a problem in our little valley, but it’s really not in your face that much.

Let me put it this way: Living here has rendered me ill-prepared for what I saw in San Francisco when I got off the Muni at the Civic Center stop at 6 p.m. a couple of weeks ago and walked upstairs to U.N. Plaza.

Holy tap-dancin’ platypus, Batman! Read the rest of this entry →

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12 2015


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