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I’m With Stupid – December 2, 2016

THE RIGHT WAR ON THE WRONG BATTLEFIELD
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallWith the news last month that four cities — Boulder, San Francisco, Oakland and Albany, California — had voted to join cities like Berkeley, Philadelphia and Chicago in taxing sugary beverages, it got me wondering which beverages would be getting taxed and which wouldn’t. There’s a lot of sugar out there, after all, and it seems to me that these taxes could end up getting applied indiscriminately if not handled correctly.

So, being the diligent researcher that I am, I decided to look into the issue. It turns out that the basic rule is that if it has added sugar, it gets taxed. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. This means that non-diet sodas, iced teas and sports drinks will get taxed by the ounce, while 100 percent fruit juices with no added sugar will not. Read the rest of this entry →

02

12 2016

I’m With Stupid – November 25, 2016

DUMB PROCLAMATIONS FROM A TURKEY HANGOVER
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThe other day, I was standing in front of a mirror with my shirt off — not deliberately, mind you. It’s not like I took my shirt off to go flex in front of a mirror. I just happened to be stepping out of the shower — and maybe the mirror was fogged up or something, but I actually thought I looked a little less flabby than I usually do.

Buoyed, I stepped on the scale hoping for glad tidings, and boy, was I wrong. Turns out I was near the high end of my range, which is typically from about 205 to 215 pounds, depending on how recently lunch or a good bowel movement has taken place. Read the rest of this entry →

25

11 2016

I’m With Stupid – November 18, 2016

ONCE-PROUD NATION TORN ABOUT BY BEAVERS AND BIRDS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI know things seem tough right now, America. I know it feels like we’ve been torn in two and we’re at war with ourselves. I know a lot of wimpy-ass college kids and professors need time off from classes to deal with their hurt feelings, and I know that rioting and protests are happening all over the place. I admit: It’s bad. But things could be worse: We could be Canada.

That’s right: Canada, that supposedly idyllic place you wish you could move to right now. You may not know this, America, since you’ve been so hung up on your own problems lately, but our neighbor to the north also has been a house divided for half a decade now, wracked by partisan squabbling, heated disagreement and all sorts of infighting. Read the rest of this entry →

18

11 2016

I’m With Stupid – November 11, 2016

THE THINKER WHO THUNK THE UNTHINKABLE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallDid you ever have one of those moments where you wondered if everything really was just a figment of your imagination? Well, it happens to me a lot, and I finally realized why. It’s because, apparently, everything is just a figment of my imagination. Nothing else could explain what happened Tuesday night.

No, the only way Donald Trump could possibly be elected president of the United States of America would be if I dreamt it. So I think all you imaginary readers need to give me some credit. I did some pretty creative dreaming on this one, didn’t I? Read the rest of this entry →

11

11 2016

I’m With Stupid – November 4, 2016

I’VE NEVER BEEN SO EAGER FOR A WEDNESDAY
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallCan you see it? There, just up ahead. It’s … it’s … it’s the light at the end of the tunnel! Hallelujah! We’re saved! It’s almost over!

Just smell that fresh air wafting here from next week, promising happier times when Election Day will be a thing of the past and we won’t have to breathe the putrid fumes of Campaign 2016 anymore. I’m giddy just thinking about it.

Imagine, for a second, that you’re someone from a random, foreign country and you’ve been following American politics from afar all summer and fall. Think about what you’ve been witnessing. Read the rest of this entry →

04

11 2016

I’m With Stupid – October 28, 2016

TAKE THE DAILY NOT-GONNA-KILL-ANYONE PLEDGE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThe other day I was rolling through Facebook, unfollowing anyone who posted more than once a day or took a selfie, and I came across a post that included a video and a hyperbolic proclamation along the lines of: “If everyone watched this one-minute film, there would be no war.”

The still shot from the video featured a smiling orangutan with one arm thrown over the shoulders of a pointer dog. I have a half-pointer, I’m a sucker for orangutans, and I’ve been trying to quit war for some time now, so I clicked on the arrow by the orangutan’s armpit and watched.  Read the rest of this entry →

28

10 2016

I’m With Stupid – October 21, 2016

WHEN SMART COMPANIES DO STUPID THINGS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThose of you who know me may be familiar with the saga of the gifted Mercedes, a problem with which I have been beset this summer. You may know of the emotional turmoil it has caused me and the hell my wife, son and I have endured in being just a one-car family these past few months. Well, you will all be happy to know that the ordeal is finally over, and we’ve all survived, thank God.

For those of you who haven’t heard the tale, I’ll start at the beginning. I have a Mercedes. It’s a 1998 E-class station wagon that my parents gave me a few years ago Read the rest of this entry →

21

10 2016

I’m With Stupid – October 14, 2016

MARS, THE BRINGER OF ASTRONOMICAL EXPENSES
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI don’t know if you noticed, but Mars is hot. I mean, Mars is still cold, obviously, but for some reason, the red planet is very much in vogue right now here on Earth. People are talking. Why, earlier this week, I was reading the so-called news on CNN.com and there, hidden among 8,000 articles on Donald Trump, there was a Mars-themed essay penned by none other than President Barack Obama himself.

In the essay, which was titled “America Will Take the Giant Leap to Mars,” Obama stated in no uncertain terms that he believes our space-exploration goal as a nation is “sending humans to Mars by the 2030s and returning them safely to Earth, with the ultimate ambition to one day remain there for an extended time.” Read the rest of this entry →

14

10 2016

I’m With Stupid – October 7, 2016

JOIN ME IN QUIETLY CELEBRATING SHUTUPFORA DAY
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThis week, I was going to write about a recent controversy that occurred at the University of Michigan. To wit: It seems the university has some weird policy wherein students are allowed to choose the gender pronouns by which they would like to be addressed in the official campus roster. This is supposedly meant to help professors identify students in ways that won’t accidentally offend the students.

Apparently, some kids who don’t identify as a specific gender don’t like to be addressed as “he/him,” “she/her” or even “they,” so somebody dreamed up words like “zir” and “zi.” I have no idea what those are supposed to mean, but then I’ve never had a problem with someone calling me by the wrong pronouns and have yet to go shopping for new ones. Read the rest of this entry →

07

10 2016

I’m With Stupid – September 30, 2016

GIVE ME A HOME WHERE A MOUSE COULDN’T ROAM
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallHere in Aspen, where the billionaires roam and the dowered and the affluent play, we take great pride in the prices of our homes. Why, just now I did a search to see how much a one-bedroom apartment in town would cost and found a pied-a-terre “within walking/biking distance” to downtown for $895,000. I was aghast at how low the price was.

Honestly, Aspen, the place was on the river. Back in the day that fact alone would have made it worth a million. What have we become? Read the rest of this entry →

30

09 2016


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