Zero Budget Productions

IT’S HARD OUT THERE FOR A PIMP
by Todd Hartley

Times are tough these days. I think we can all agree on that. In recent polls, something like 123 percent of Americans younger than 70 said they didn’t think they’d ever be able to retire, and Social Security currently provides so little money that it’s just not realistic to count on it as a viable source of income in one’s dotage. It’s a pretty scary picture. It’s almost enough to make one not want to get old.

But we like to keep things positive here at “I’m With Stupid.” Read the rest of this entry →

SLAYER FANS VS. THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH
by Todd Hartley

I was never that into heavy metal as a youth, which is too bad, because I could have rocked the greatest Bon Jovi hairstyle in history if I’d gotten a perm. Instead, I listened mostly to classic rock and the kind of ’80s new wave that didn’t require me to wear black eyeliner and act depressed all the time. I also pretended to be a Grateful Dead fan for a while because I liked hippy chicks, but I knew even then that I was faking it.

It wasn’t until I was in my mid-30s that I finally developed a taste for hard rock, and I’m still not sure exactly how it happened. Read the rest of this entry →

GOOD FOR YOU, MR. COLLINS, BUT I DON’T CARE
by Todd Hartley

I was thinking this week that I should write something about last week’s big news, which was, of course, the fact that a professional athlete disclosed his sexual orientation, but then I remembered the name of this column is “I’m With Stupid,” which might lead one to believe I thought that Jason Collins was stupid for announcing that he’s gay.

In fact, just the opposite is true. I think this was a very intelligent move on Collins’ part. Coming out has made him relevant in a way that his mediocre NBA career never could, Read the rest of this entry →

WORMING THEIR WAY BACK INTO OUR HEARTS
by Todd Hartley

I saw an article online the other day with the unlikely teaser, “Feeling ill? Swallow a worm.” As a dog owner, I’ve been conditioned to believe that worms are something you don’t want inside you, so I was understandably curious. I could think of only two creatures – birds and fish – that regularly eat worms, and since most people are neither of those things, it seemed odd to me that someone would be encouraging us to eat similarly.

Intrigued, I clicked on the link and read the article, expecting it to be a sort of how-to guide complete with hunting tactics and recipes. Read the rest of this entry →

ASPEN HIGHLANDS’ WORST POWDER DAY EVER
by Todd Hartley

I guess I believe in global warming. I mean, I don’t want to, but in the face of what is basically indisputable evidence, I kind of have to. Still, I’ve always clung to the hope that maybe the planet has just been in a cyclical warm spell for the past two decades. Perhaps, I thought, if we just had a really cold winter or two, the ice caps and glaciers would grow, the pine beetles would die, and the whole global-warming thing would prove to be a false alarm along the lines of Y2K.

In light of recent events, however, I’m forced to admit that global warming is all too real. Read the rest of this entry →

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL, OR MAYBE NOT
by Todd Hartley

I know you’re going to find this hard to believe, but I’ve actually done precious little modeling in my day. That may seem shocking, given my rugged good looks, ripped abs and flowing mane of thick, lustrous hair, but it’s true.

This is not to say that I’ve never been a model, mind you. I’m sure some of you remember me from my days as the face of the Sporting News preseason NFL television-viewing guide.

What’s that? You don’t remember? That’s a little surprising because I was kind of a big deal. Read the rest of this entry →

START ACTUALLY PROMOTING THE GENERAL WELFARE
by Todd Hartley

I read an article recently about how virtually every Southern state has decided not to participate in the Obamacare plan to expand Medicaid, and I found it a little curious. To me, it seemed like a case of cutting off noses to spite poor people’s faces, but to be honest, I really don’t know much about the program.

I don’t think I’m a big fan of Obamacare, but it’s hard to know for sure. I’ve tried to read up on it, figuring if I was informed I could make an educated decision on whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing. Read the rest of this entry →

BRECKENRIDGE SKIER BOWLING AND TELLURIDE TIME
by Todd Hartley

My son’s school was on spring break this week, so we did what any proper ski-town family is supposed to do for vacation and visited other ski towns. This might seem counterintuitive to people who live in, say, factory towns, as they would probably never consider vacationing in similar burgs, but the skiing addiction mandates that when it’s time to take a break from skiing, you go ski somewhere else.

Our first stop was Breckenridge, which I last skied about 23 years ago. Read the rest of this entry →

A HUMBLE ODE TO POULTRY-SAUTEED BEEF
by Todd Hartley

I don’t follow a lot of rules when it comes to eating. I know that’s hard for many of you to believe, given my chiseled abs and total lack of body fat, but it’s true. I have guidelines — mostly having to do with avoiding vegetables and similarly healthy foods — but as far as rules go, I pretty much have only one: If the name of a dish consists of three things I like, I’m going to order that dish.

Let me give you an example: chili cheese fries. Do you enjoy chili, cheese and fries? Chances are you’re going to love chili cheese fries. Read the rest of this entry →

AND IRAN, IRAN SO FAR AWAY (FROM REALITY)
by Todd Hartley

How do you say “Go take a flying leap” in Farsi? I ask because I think that ought to be Hollywood’s official response to the Islamic Republic of Iran, which announced last week that it intended to sue Hollywood over films it deems detrimental to its international reputation. (I actually think Hollywood ought to use more colorful language than that, but since kids might read this, we’ll stick with something PG-rated.)

The latest film that Iranians are supposedly outraged about is “Argo,” which is based on the true story of six Americans who escaped from Iran in the aftermath of the 1979 hostage crisis. Read the rest of this entry →