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I’m With Stupid – May 27, 2016

WORST SONG OF ALL TIME FINALLY REVEALED
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallAs many of you know, I consider myself a big fan of music. I know that’s not a particularly profound thought, but in my case — what with my funk radio show (moving to alternate Tuesdays starting June 21!) — it runs a little deeper. Music is one of my things.

This comes with one huge caveat, however: I consider bad music so much worse than no music at all. I applaud the artists for creating it and getting it on the air, but I fervently hope I never hear it again. I won’t go into depth about which genres I consider unlistenable, but they start with twangy country and move through techno and boy band right on up to modern hip-hop and anything auto-tuned.  Read the rest of this entry →

27

05 2016

I’m With Stupid – May 20, 2016

NO GUN NECESSARY; JUST LOOK IN YOUR UNDERWEAR
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThere was a small legal happening a few weeks ago that didn’t make big news and ultimately may not be much more than a blip, but I think it merits further discussion. It concerns a lawsuit against Bushmaster Firearms and Remington on behalf of the families of people killed in the Sandy Hook school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, in 2012.

A Connecticut judge allowed the lawsuit to move to the discovery phase. This is significant because it’s the first lawsuit against the gun industry to make it that far since 2005, when a federal law was passed that absolved gun manufacturers of any liability should their products be “misused” in a crime to kill people.  Read the rest of this entry →

20

05 2016

I’m With Stupid – May 13, 2016

DAILY PIZZA CONSUMPTION COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYears ago, I had a friend in Aspen who was a very large man. He’d been an offensive lineman on his college’s football team, and here in town he’d packed on a few more pounds through plenty of booze and unhealthy eating habits. (He has since shed roughly 100 pounds and now trains pilates instructors, but that’s irrelevant to this story. This is about when he was still huge.)

His apartment, a tiny one-bedroom, was furnished almost exclusively with pizza boxes. He had a bed and a couch, but the coffee table, nightstand, end tables and most everything else were nothing more than stacks of old Domino’s boxes piled high.  Read the rest of this entry →

13

05 2016

I’m With Stupid – May 6, 2016

BUILDING A HERPES-PROOF FENCE AROUND AUSTRALIA
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYou’ve heard of Australia, right? It’s that big island continent on the other side of the world made famous in the book and film “Rabbit-Proof Fence.” It’s the place where there’s an actual rabbit-proof fence running for thousands of miles across the western part of the country. That place. Australia wants to give herpes to fish.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying Australians with cold sores and genital warts are supposed to make out with fish or have sex with fish or anything like that. That would be wrong, and it would be way too funny to ever actually happen, though we can dream. Read the rest of this entry →

06

05 2016

I’m With Stupid – April 29, 2016

PRIMATES FOR PROSTITUTES – A ZANY ZOO INDEED
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYou know how you always have a soft spot in your heart for certain animals because of some relevance they have for you? For instance, I love sloths because my then-girlfriend, now-wife — who I hope had a wonderful birthday Thursday — and I visited a sloth rescue place in Costa Rica on our second date.

Similarly, I have long been a fan of bush babies because I met a bush baby once in Kenya and it climbed all over me and pinched my nose and thankfully didn’t poop on my shoulder.  Read the rest of this entry →

29

04 2016

I’m With Stupid – April 22, 1016

ARBY’S ASSAULT A SIGN OF NO-BACON APOCALYPSE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallSo with the New York primaries over and the resounding victories for both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, it’s looking more and more as if that will be our choice for president: Trump or Clinton. Looked at in that light, I guess what happened in Oklahoma makes perfect sense. In fact, it almost seems inevitable.

But before I go any further, I want to take one last opportunity to implore you before it’s too late: Please, now, while there’s still time, nominate John Kasich and Bernie Sanders. The future of the human race depends on it.  Read the rest of this entry →

22

04 2016

I’m With Stupid – April 15, 2016

THE 4,900 PERCENT HUMAN MEDICAL MARKUP
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallMy little girl had surgery a couple of Tuesdays ago. Pretty major surgery, too. Over the past year or so, she’d developed a large lump near the base of her spine. Doctors did a biopsy and determined that it was cancerous, so the other week, they performed an operation to remove the tumor.

Our doctor said it was locally invasive but unlikely to spread to the rest of the body too quickly if we wanted to wait, but we were sure; we wanted that thing out of there right away. So the doctor recommended a new procedure that involved making a large incision and removing most of the tumor (“shelling it out,” as he said) and then placing chemotherapy beads under the skin to fight the remaining cancerous tissue.  Read the rest of this entry →

15

04 2016

I’m With Stupid – April 8, 2016

TURKEYS GONE WILD JUST DON’T GIVE A CLUCK
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI know it’s April right now, but we need to talk about Thanksgiving. Specifically, we need to talk about whether we’re going to be having turkey or whether turkeys are going to be having us. Well, maybe not you lean, stringy types, but we well-marbled folks, for sure.

You might think I’m kidding, but I assure you the threat is real. The rebellion has begun. Witness these words from one terrified Teaneck, New Jersey, mother: “I grabbed the kids, and we literally ran for our lives because we were so scared.” Read the rest of this entry →

08

04 2016

I’m With Stupid – April 1, 2016

THE REAL PUPPET MASTERS BEHIND DONALD TRUMP
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI think, on this April Fools’ Day, that I have finally figured out the prank, which I daresay is one of the biggest pranks ever pulled on anyone anywhere. I’ve finally seen through the shenanigans and dissected the whole ridiculousness that is the 2016 Republican primary. It came to me just now, but I’m not sure why I didn’t get it a couple of months ago.

Back in early February, my son and I went to see my parents in Florida. At the end of the week, my father, a dying breed of rational conservative, and I talked a little politics as he drove us to the airport. We agreed that Donald Trump and Ted Cruz were completely unelectable in a general election, but just before we pulled up at the curb, my father said, “What about John Kasich?”  Read the rest of this entry →

01

04 2016

I’m With Stupid – March 25, 2016

HELP GIVE THIS BLOATED RED TUB A NAME
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI had a conversation recently with an old buddy of mine, a professional stand-up comedian, and we both agreed that this whole Donald Trump thing is really, really funny. I mean, yeah, it might lead to the end of the world as we know it if he somehow became president, but for now, his candidacy and what it’s doing to the Republican Party are freaking hysterical.

I think it just goes to show you that if you announce that you’re going to base a decision on popular opinion, and your opinion isn’t popular, you won’t get to make the decision you were hoping to make. There’s actually a great parallel going on right now over in jolly old England that you might get a kick out of. Read the rest of this entry →

25

03 2016


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