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I’m With Stupid – August 28, 2015

HOW DO YOU FIRE A PISTOL WITH YOUR FEET?
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallAs you’ll no doubt agree if you’re a regular reader of this column, I’ve been rather wrapped up in myself the past couple of weeks. I’ve been yammering away so much about my play — which has two more showings, by the way — that I’ve totally neglected my important role as arbiter of what is and what is not stupid in today’s society.

So self-engrossed was I, in fact, that I completely missed a story so dumb it couldn’t not be a column. Here’s the 2-week-old headline from the Trenton, New Jersey, Trentonian, just so you know what we’re dealing with: “Weapon charge dismissed for man with no muscle control in arms.” Read the rest of this entry →

28

08 2015

I’m WWith Stupid – August 21, 2015

HELP! I’M BEING HELD CAPTIVE IN A VAN
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI hope this all comes out OK, because I’m writing it in the dark in the back of the van in which I’m currently imprisoned. I want to tell the truth about my play while I still have time. God knows what these monsters plan to do with me when my usefulness to them has run out.

Some of you may remember that last week I wrote about becoming a first-time playwright. That part was true. But the play you will see this weekend and next weekend on the grounds of the former Aspen Art Museum is not the play I wrote. Read the rest of this entry →

21

08 2015

I’m With Stupid – August 14, 2015

WHY I’M HOPING TO BREAK A LEG NEXT WEEK
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallIn my life, I’ve written four plays. Of those, only one — my fifth-grade class’s Christmas pageant — has ever been produced, and I have to admit it wasn’t very good.

I was told by my teacher that I had to write it, play Father Christmas and make sure everyone else got a role that allowed them to present their report on Christmas in another country. This made it difficult to develop characters and a storyline, and as a result I felt the play came off as trite and juvenile — or at least I felt that way in fifth grade. Read the rest of this entry →

14

08 2015

I’m With Stupid – August 7, 2015

MONTY TREMBLANT AND THE HOLY GRAIL OF POUTINE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI just got back from a vacation to Quebec earlier this week, so if I accidentally lapse into French in this column please excusez-moi. Actually, I should have learned from my time in French Canada that I should never speak French with anyone who actually speaks French, as the conversation inevitably goes something like this:

Me: “Bon jour.”

French-speaking person: “Bon jour. Ca va bien?”

Me: “Oui.”

French-speaking person: “Bkhkjblkjb dkfbdlkgfbkd lkbsbsug ifhdifdi kbtvvub cvuvaustv jihfb ibdfpibfg.” Read the rest of this entry →

07

08 2015

I’m With Stupid – July 31, 2015

GIVING IT WHAT ITS AWFUL BEHAVIOR DESERVES
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI am not, by nature, a violent person. I don’t hunt, I haven’t been in a fight that didn’t involve hockey since seventh grade and I don’t, under ordinary circumstances, think that fisticuffs or other pugilistic measures solve any problems. Having said that, however, I do feel that Aspen could benefit from having a mafia.

Now, before you jump all over me for supporting organized crime, I’d like to make it clear that I’m not. When I say “mafia,” I’m not referring to the mob. I’m not in favor of racketeering, trafficking in illegal drugs, loansharking or strong-arming people into paying for “protection services.” Read the rest of this entry →

31

07 2015

I’m With Stupid – July 24, 2015

THE LENGTHS I’LL GO TO FOR AUTHENTIC POUTINE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallBefore I launch into my thrilling account of personal crises and derring-do, let me set the backstory for you. When my wife was a child, her family had a house on a lake in Quebec, near the resort area of Mont Tremblant. Her trips to Canada in those childhood summers make up some of her fondest memories, and as a result, she’s wanted to rent a vacation house on a lake for years.

This summer, my wife finally pulled the trigger and rented us a lake house for a week, and for the past couple of months, she, my son and I have all been abuzz with anticipation. Read the rest of this entry →

24

07 2015

I’m With Stupid – July 17, 2015

WHY MY CALLOUS INDIFFERENCE IS A GOOD THING
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallIt doesn’t happen very often, but every now and then I’ll write a column about a grown-up subject that will touch some nerves and generate more than its fair share of responses. Last week, evidently, was one of those times. The subject of the column is immaterial; the point is that I ruffled some feathers and upset some people, and I’d like to speak to them personally this week.

Hi, guys and gals. How’s it going?

With regard to your hurt feelings, I’m going to say something that maybe people should have been saying to you for a few years now. Read the rest of this entry →

17

07 2015

I’m With Stupid – July 10, 2015

TOUGH TIMES FOR DISSENTING BAKERS IN ORWELL-EGON
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallLast week, if you’ll recall, we were discussing marriage equality, and I was expressing my disdain for county clerks who refuse to issue wedding licenses to same-sex couples. This week, I’d like to discuss the flip side of that issue, because if there’s anything I abhor nearly as much as bigotry and hate, it’s the thought police.

If you’re wondering what I mean by “thought police,” here’s the top definition from an Internet search: “A group of people who aim or are seen as aiming to suppress ideas that deviate from the way of thinking that they believe to be correct.” Read the rest of this entry →

10

07 2015

I’m With Stupid – July 3, 2015

ANTICIPATING REACTIONS TO REACTIONS TO REACTIONS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI know that on occasion this column can skew left in its political leanings, and in the past I may have offended a few people on the right side (looking at you, gun lobby). But I believe in fair play, so this week, just because the opportunity has presented itself, I’m going to try to be an equal-opportunity offender and outrage the left and the right simultaneously. I know that sounds like a radical idea, but I feel I’m up for the challenge.

We’ll start with the left and a law that could only have been passed in a very blue state, Read the rest of this entry →

03

07 2015

I’m With Stupid – June 26, 2015

THE ASPEN EQUIVALENT OF A RENAISSANCE FAIR
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallDespite the fact that I’m a little nerdy, spent my college years just a short drive from Larkspur, home of the Colorado Renaissance Festival, and actually used to play Dungeons & Dragons, I’ve never been to a Renaissance fair. There’s no particular reason for this. It’s just never happened.

I’ve heard wondrous tales, of course — tales of spit-roasted flesh being eaten right off the bone and buxom lasses serving flagons of mead — and, obviously, these stories pique my interest. Read the rest of this entry →

26

06 2015


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