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I’m With Stupid – April 29, 2016

PRIMATES FOR PROSTITUTES – A ZANY ZOO INDEED
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYou know how you always have a soft spot in your heart for certain animals because of some relevance they have for you? For instance, I love sloths because my then-girlfriend, now-wife — who I hope had a wonderful birthday Thursday — and I visited a sloth rescue place in Costa Rica on our second date.

Similarly, I have long been a fan of bush babies because I met a bush baby once in Kenya and it climbed all over me and pinched my nose and thankfully didn’t poop on my shoulder.  Read the rest of this entry →

29

04 2016

I’m With Stupid – April 22, 1016

ARBY’S ASSAULT A SIGN OF NO-BACON APOCALYPSE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallSo with the New York primaries over and the resounding victories for both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, it’s looking more and more as if that will be our choice for president: Trump or Clinton. Looked at in that light, I guess what happened in Oklahoma makes perfect sense. In fact, it almost seems inevitable.

But before I go any further, I want to take one last opportunity to implore you before it’s too late: Please, now, while there’s still time, nominate John Kasich and Bernie Sanders. The future of the human race depends on it.  Read the rest of this entry →

22

04 2016

I’m With Stupid – April 15, 2016

THE 4,900 PERCENT HUMAN MEDICAL MARKUP
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallMy little girl had surgery a couple of Tuesdays ago. Pretty major surgery, too. Over the past year or so, she’d developed a large lump near the base of her spine. Doctors did a biopsy and determined that it was cancerous, so the other week, they performed an operation to remove the tumor.

Our doctor said it was locally invasive but unlikely to spread to the rest of the body too quickly if we wanted to wait, but we were sure; we wanted that thing out of there right away. So the doctor recommended a new procedure that involved making a large incision and removing most of the tumor (“shelling it out,” as he said) and then placing chemotherapy beads under the skin to fight the remaining cancerous tissue.  Read the rest of this entry →

15

04 2016

I’m With Stupid – April 8, 2016

TURKEYS GONE WILD JUST DON’T GIVE A CLUCK
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI know it’s April right now, but we need to talk about Thanksgiving. Specifically, we need to talk about whether we’re going to be having turkey or whether turkeys are going to be having us. Well, maybe not you lean, stringy types, but we well-marbled folks, for sure.

You might think I’m kidding, but I assure you the threat is real. The rebellion has begun. Witness these words from one terrified Teaneck, New Jersey, mother: “I grabbed the kids, and we literally ran for our lives because we were so scared.” Read the rest of this entry →

08

04 2016

I’m With Stupid – April 1, 2016

THE REAL PUPPET MASTERS BEHIND DONALD TRUMP
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI think, on this April Fools’ Day, that I have finally figured out the prank, which I daresay is one of the biggest pranks ever pulled on anyone anywhere. I’ve finally seen through the shenanigans and dissected the whole ridiculousness that is the 2016 Republican primary. It came to me just now, but I’m not sure why I didn’t get it a couple of months ago.

Back in early February, my son and I went to see my parents in Florida. At the end of the week, my father, a dying breed of rational conservative, and I talked a little politics as he drove us to the airport. We agreed that Donald Trump and Ted Cruz were completely unelectable in a general election, but just before we pulled up at the curb, my father said, “What about John Kasich?”  Read the rest of this entry →

01

04 2016

I’m With Stupid – March 25, 2016

HELP GIVE THIS BLOATED RED TUB A NAME
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI had a conversation recently with an old buddy of mine, a professional stand-up comedian, and we both agreed that this whole Donald Trump thing is really, really funny. I mean, yeah, it might lead to the end of the world as we know it if he somehow became president, but for now, his candidacy and what it’s doing to the Republican Party are freaking hysterical.

I think it just goes to show you that if you announce that you’re going to base a decision on popular opinion, and your opinion isn’t popular, you won’t get to make the decision you were hoping to make. There’s actually a great parallel going on right now over in jolly old England that you might get a kick out of. Read the rest of this entry →

25

03 2016

I’m With Stupid – March 18, 2016

EVIL SITH LORD SPOTTED ON LONG ISLAND CAMPUS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYou may not know this, but there was an incident recently at Farmingdale State College on Long Island in which the entire school went into lockdown because someone thought they saw a person assembling a rifle. It turned out it wasn’t a rifle; it was a lightsaber. When they realized that, the cops went away and the college returned to normal.

This just shows how ridiculous security measures have become in this country. They locked down an entire college because someone thought a lightsaber was a gun. And then, when the cops and campus security found out it wasn’t a gun, they acted like it was no big deal. Read the rest of this entry →

18

03 2016

I’m With Stupid – March 11, 2016

SETTING REASONABLE LIMITS FOR YOUR TURTLES AND DUCKS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallIf you know me, you know that I’m a friend to all animals, including the ones I have no problem eating, which is most of them. I consider myself a champion of the little creatures and very pro-wildlife in my political leanings, and I live with two dogs and a cat. So when I say that I’m cool with someone having a bunch of pets of various species, you can believe it.

But even I have my limits — and apparently my limits are 38 and 33.

Actually, let me rephrase that: I’m not sure what my limits are, but I know that the numbers 38 and 33, both of which factored into animal news recently, are way beyond them. Read the rest of this entry →

11

03 2016

I’m With Stupid – March 4, 2016

TODD’S STUPID TRUE IDENTITY FINALLY REVEALED
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallHave you heard the conspiracy theory that Katy Perry is really JonBenet Ramsey? (Ramsey, you may recall, was the 6-year-old Colorado girl murdered in her own home in 1996, and Perry, you may recall, is a California-born singer who was 12 in 1996 who seems to be quite popular with the kids these days.)

According to people on the Internet — the world’s most reliable, trusted resource — Ramsey’s death was a hoax designed to help her become a star years later as Perry. And you can tell they’re the same person, according to a YouTube user named Jungle Surfer, because they have the same eyebrows and their parents look similar. That’s damning evidence right there. I’m convinced. Read the rest of this entry →

04

03 2016

I’m With Stupid – February 26, 2016

STOP IRRITATING OTHERS WITH YOUR CRAPPY MUSIC
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallSome of you may not know this — and to be honest, it’s barely true — but I’m a DJ. Every other Friday I host a two-hour show on KDNK Community Radio in Carbondale. (Membership drive going on right now! Please help keep us on the air.) The name of the show is “KaDuNKafunk” (get it?), and as that name implies, I play mostly funk music. That’s my favorite genre, and if other people like it, great; if not, tough noogies.

So I get it. I understand that everyone likes to listen to their own tunes, and to some extent you have to not worry too much about what other people think of your musical tastes. But if you’re in a public place, you should at least try to be considerate of other people who may happen to be there. Read the rest of this entry →

26

02 2016


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