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I’m With Stupid – June 24, 2016

LIKE A PHOENIX RISING FROM TRUMP’S HAIR
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallA couple of weeks ago, I was hanging out with a friend of mine who sometimes works for and is a friend of Hillary Clinton. My friend has nothing but good things to say about the woman who, barring something unexpected, will be the Democratic Party’s nominee for president, and that puts me in a bit of a bind.

You see, I was planning on writing a few columns based on the whole “None of the Above” angle in Clinton’s upcoming battle with Donald Trump. I was going to do a whole “Brewster’s Millions” comparison, make a big stink out of not voting and explain why I dislike both candidates despite not knowing them or reading up on their positions.  Read the rest of this entry →

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06 2016

I’m With Stupid – June 17, 2016

MY FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST: STOP FACEBOOKING
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYou guys have heard of Facebook, right? If you haven’t, it’s this website that people go on to brag about themselves and tell everyone what they had for lunch. It’s all pretty silly, but apparently some people take it very seriously and think more highly of themselves if other people indicate that they like what the person did that morning or like the picture that person posted of their cat.

The weirdest thing about Facebook, though, is the way it has changed the very definition of friendship. To use myself as an example, I have, in reality, maybe a dozen close friends. I can’t say for sure that all dozen would agree, but to date they haven’t told me they aren’t my friends, so we’ll go with that number. Read the rest of this entry →

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06 2016

I’m With Stupid – June 10, 2016

GETTING EXACTLY THE POLITICIANS WE IDIOTS DESERVE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallReally, Republicans and Democrats? This is the election you’re going to give us? Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump? The very embodiment of corporate-driven politics as usual versus Donald freaking Trump? How the hell did you let this happen? How did you asses and elephants rig the system so completely that this is what we’re stuck with?

I’d implore you to stop this nonsense before it’s too late, but I fear it’s already too late, as more and more of your Republican so-called leaders are giving Trump their seal of approval every day.  Read the rest of this entry →

10

06 2016

I’m With Stupid – June 3, 2016

PRESENTING POP MUSIC’S LAMEST LYRICS EVER
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallLast week, as you may recall, we were discussing the worst song of all time, which I claimed is “You’re Sixteen,” as done by Ringo Starr. The column seemed to get a good response, with many of you tossing out other worthy contenders such as “Seasons in the Sun” by Terry Jacks, “Mr. Roboto” by Styx, “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift and anything Donna Godchaux did with the Grateful Dead.

Buoyed by your response, I’m going to the musical well one more time. This week we’ll be tackling the subject of the most inane song lyrics ever. It’s important to note first, though, that this category has little to do with last week’s. Read the rest of this entry →

03

06 2016

I’m With Stupid – May 27, 2016

WORST SONG OF ALL TIME FINALLY REVEALED
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallAs many of you know, I consider myself a big fan of music. I know that’s not a particularly profound thought, but in my case — what with my funk radio show (moving to alternate Tuesdays starting June 21!) — it runs a little deeper. Music is one of my things.

This comes with one huge caveat, however: I consider bad music so much worse than no music at all. I applaud the artists for creating it and getting it on the air, but I fervently hope I never hear it again. I won’t go into depth about which genres I consider unlistenable, but they start with twangy country and move through techno and boy band right on up to modern hip-hop and anything auto-tuned.  Read the rest of this entry →

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05 2016

I’m With Stupid – May 20, 2016

NO GUN NECESSARY; JUST LOOK IN YOUR UNDERWEAR
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThere was a small legal happening a few weeks ago that didn’t make big news and ultimately may not be much more than a blip, but I think it merits further discussion. It concerns a lawsuit against Bushmaster Firearms and Remington on behalf of the families of people killed in the Sandy Hook school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, in 2012.

A Connecticut judge allowed the lawsuit to move to the discovery phase. This is significant because it’s the first lawsuit against the gun industry to make it that far since 2005, when a federal law was passed that absolved gun manufacturers of any liability should their products be “misused” in a crime to kill people.  Read the rest of this entry →

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05 2016

I’m With Stupid – May 13, 2016

DAILY PIZZA CONSUMPTION COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYears ago, I had a friend in Aspen who was a very large man. He’d been an offensive lineman on his college’s football team, and here in town he’d packed on a few more pounds through plenty of booze and unhealthy eating habits. (He has since shed roughly 100 pounds and now trains pilates instructors, but that’s irrelevant to this story. This is about when he was still huge.)

His apartment, a tiny one-bedroom, was furnished almost exclusively with pizza boxes. He had a bed and a couch, but the coffee table, nightstand, end tables and most everything else were nothing more than stacks of old Domino’s boxes piled high.  Read the rest of this entry →

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05 2016

I’m With Stupid – May 6, 2016

BUILDING A HERPES-PROOF FENCE AROUND AUSTRALIA
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYou’ve heard of Australia, right? It’s that big island continent on the other side of the world made famous in the book and film “Rabbit-Proof Fence.” It’s the place where there’s an actual rabbit-proof fence running for thousands of miles across the western part of the country. That place. Australia wants to give herpes to fish.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying Australians with cold sores and genital warts are supposed to make out with fish or have sex with fish or anything like that. That would be wrong, and it would be way too funny to ever actually happen, though we can dream. Read the rest of this entry →

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05 2016

I’m With Stupid – April 29, 2016

PRIMATES FOR PROSTITUTES – A ZANY ZOO INDEED
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYou know how you always have a soft spot in your heart for certain animals because of some relevance they have for you? For instance, I love sloths because my then-girlfriend, now-wife — who I hope had a wonderful birthday Thursday — and I visited a sloth rescue place in Costa Rica on our second date.

Similarly, I have long been a fan of bush babies because I met a bush baby once in Kenya and it climbed all over me and pinched my nose and thankfully didn’t poop on my shoulder.  Read the rest of this entry →

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04 2016

I’m With Stupid – April 22, 1016

ARBY’S ASSAULT A SIGN OF NO-BACON APOCALYPSE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallSo with the New York primaries over and the resounding victories for both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, it’s looking more and more as if that will be our choice for president: Trump or Clinton. Looked at in that light, I guess what happened in Oklahoma makes perfect sense. In fact, it almost seems inevitable.

But before I go any further, I want to take one last opportunity to implore you before it’s too late: Please, now, while there’s still time, nominate John Kasich and Bernie Sanders. The future of the human race depends on it.  Read the rest of this entry →

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04 2016


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