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I’m With Stupid – September 23, 2016

THE AUDITORY PURGATORY OF AMERICA, CHICAGO AND BREAD
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI’ve always considered myself a bit of a music nerd, and as I may have mentioned before, I have what I call a phonographic memory — meaning I can remember the words to every song I’ve ever heard but somehow I won’t remember your name the first six times I’m reintroduced to you.

In some ways, it’s great. For instance, I like to sing along with the radio when I’m driving, so it’s nice not to fumble over the lyrics and look like an idiot when other people are in the car with me. In other ways, though, it can be a pain in the ass, and I was reminded of that recently when I started working an almost full-time job in an office near my home. Read the rest of this entry →

23

09 2016

I’m With Stupid – September 16, 2016

YOU SHOULD BE OUTRAGED – OUTRAGED! – OVER NOODLES
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThe other day I got a text from a friend that read, “Hear about the Bon Appetit pho ‘controversy’? Sounds like something you would be interested in writing about to me.” That was the first I had heard of the controversy, so I decided to delve into it and see what the hullabaloo was all about. First, though, I had to figure out what pho is.

It turns out pho (pronounced: “fuh”) is a Vietnamese dish made with rice noodles and broth. I’m told it’s a trendy food item right now amongst hipster douchebags who think that noodles in broth is something to get excited about.

But on to the controversy.  Read the rest of this entry →

16

09 2016

I’m With Stupid – September 9, 2016

WHEN EGGS, APPLES AND CORNCOBS ATTACK
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThere’s an old saying that goes: “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” You’d think this would be obvious, wouldn’t you? I mean, I’ve never lived in a glass house, but I’d like to think that if I did, I’d have enough sense not to throw rocks while inside it.

In fact, I think you could take the saying one step further and just declare that people living in any kind of house shouldn’t throw stones. I think that’s pretty sound advice. Throwing stones indoors is almost always a dumb thing to do.

I, however, would like to propose an additional amendment to the saying, Read the rest of this entry →

09

09 2016

I’m With Stupid – September 2, 2016

A UNIVERSITY FOR KIDS WHO WANT TO GROW UP
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallAs a journalist (pause for laughter) and as an American in general, I consider the First Amendment of the United States Constitution perhaps the single most important run-on sentence ever written: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

I especially hold sacred the first semi-colonic clause: “or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press.” Sadly, this is the one that I worry is in the gravest danger. Read the rest of this entry →

02

09 2016

I’m With Stupid – August 26, 2016

WHATCHA LOOKING FOR DOWN THERE, DR. CORNBEEF?
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI love the underlying concept of gold, silver and gemstones, which basically boils down to this: Wars will be fought, empires will be toppled and countless millions of people will die because human beings like shiny things. That’s pretty much it. That’s what we’re about: We like shiny stuff enough to kill people for it. If that’s not a sign that we evolved from raccoons, I don’t know what is.

Then there’s “Cash for Gold!” which is based on the idea that we all have lots of useless gold lying around and we had no idea we could sell it. This is a perfect strategy because there must be millions of people out there just like me. I’ve been sitting on a huge pile of gold in a cave for years now. Read the rest of this entry →

26

08 2016

I’m With Stupid – August 19, 2016

THE DEADLY RISKS OF EATING, DRINKING AND BREATHING
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallPeople, please, if I might have your attention for a second, I have an urgent warning for you: Breathing can be really, really dangerous. You all need to stop breathing right away. When you breathe, deadly viruses like staphylococcus and streptococcus can enter your body and cause your own immune system to murder you.

You also need to stop eating and drinking for exactly the same reason. And remember that if you eat, you could choke, even on something as mushy as guacamole, according to studies I just invented. And if you drink and accidentally inhale some water or beer, you can drown, Read the rest of this entry →

19

08 2016

I’m With Stupid – August 12, 2016

SELLING YOUR BIRTHRIGHT FOR A HANDFUL OF BEANS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallWhen you ponder what it means to be an American and what lies at the heart of American exceptionalism, what do you think about? Baseball, hot dogs and apple pie? That might explain our obesity problem.

No, but seriously, all cliches aside, what you really think about is spacious skies, amber waves of grain, purple mountains majesty and fruited plains. I know I think about amber waves and fruited plains all the time.

That’s what truly binds us as a nation and has always been at the heart of our success. Location, location, location. Our forefathers bought, stole and usurped the best real estate on the planet. Read the rest of this entry →

12

08 2016

I’m With Stupid – August 5, 2016

TIME TO GROW THICKER SKINS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI know I shouldn’t be writing this, and you’ll understand why in a second, but my problem is and has always been that I can’t keep my big mouth shut. So I’m not going to keep it shut this time. My conscience is 100 percent clear in this matter and there’s not much else I can do about it, so damn the consequences.

However, since I know nothing about libel laws, I won’t call out my former employer by name. And I won’t name the two people who I think broke the law, but they know who they are, and if there’s any justice, they’ll get fired for something soon.

Here’s the scenario, and I’ll keep as strictly to the facts as I can so you can decide for yourself what happened: Read the rest of this entry →

05

08 2016

I’m With Stupid – July 29, 2016

I CAN SAVE ASPEN $494,000 RIGHT NOW
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallWhen putting my stupidity to words each week, I usually try to avoid talking about local subjects, lest I hurt people’s feelings. Sadly, however, this week I feel compelled to stay local, and it might end up hurting the feelings of some friends of mine. But something really stupid just happened in Aspen, and I would be remiss in my duties if I didn’t note it.

I’ll explain the situation as if I were spelling it out for someone who’s never been here: There are essentially two roads connecting Aspen to the outside world. The first is Power Plant Road, a tortuous trek through the small canyon of Castle Creek that is accessed via a stop-and-go, one-block-at-a-time zigzag through Aspen’s tony West End. Read the rest of this entry →

29

07 2016

I’m With Stupid – July 18, 2016

TO HELL YOU RIDE, TO HEAVEN YOU GO
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallTo my way of thinking, which is usually wrong, there is a hierarchy of mountain towns in Colorado based on how mountain-y they really are. And by mountain-y, I mean scenic, authentic and a pain in the ass to get to.

By this measure, a place like Vail — with its resort feel, interstate highway and weekend hordes — scores quite low, while a place like Crested Butte — quaint, frigid and 30 miles from Gunnison — scores rather high. Aspen, historic and scenic but burdened with things like an airport, culture and a mostly four-lane highway, scores somewhere in the middle.  Read the rest of this entry →

22

07 2016


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