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I’m With Stupid – November 27, 2015

by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI suppose it was only a matter of time. You see, I live with a train-obsessed 8-year-old son, and we live a half-hour away from a stop on Amtrak’s California Zephyr line, which follows the route of the old transcontinental railroad from Chicago to the Bay Area. My son has been dying to take the train for most of his short life, so on Saturday, we got our tickets and he, my wife and I climbed aboard for a trip from Glenwood Springs to Martinez, California, to go spend Thanksgiving with my brother-in-law.

So how did it go? Let me put it this way: It’s a testament to how unbearable air travel and airports have become that a 26-hour train ride was much more pleasant than a three-hour flight. Read the rest of this entry →


11 2015

I’m With Stupid – November 20, 2015

by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThis morning, as I sit down and write this column, my worst fears have come true. The Internet is down and I am left with naught but my own imagination for inspiration. There will be no stories of morons doing their moronity, scientists passing off speculation as truth or college crybabies whining that their feelings got hurt. This morning, I’m all alone, and it’s terrifying.

By the way, when I say that this constitutes “my worst fears,” I’m speaking, um — damn it, I need to look up a word — but anyway, I don’t really mean it. Obviously, I have much worse fears, but it might give you an idea of how outrageously First World my problems are that I can even count the Internet being down as something I worry about. Read the rest of this entry →


11 2015

I’m With Stupid – November 13, 2015

by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI have a sneaking suspicion that what I’m about to write is going to be perceived as insensitive. I can assure you it’s not intended that way; it’s just that I’ve always thought it was kind of funny and I wanted to use it as an intro for this week’s column. If it truly is insensitive, please feel free to let me know, and I’ll be sure to feel bad about it for a minute or two.

But what I want to talk about is Utah, as I was there last week and I’m too lazy to search for another subject. Did you ever stop and think about the founding of the Beehive State? If you haven’t, here’s the gist of the story as told by someone who has no idea what the real story is: Read the rest of this entry →


11 2015

I’m With Stupid – November 6, 2015

by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThis may sound a little odd given how young and vibrant I am, but I often think of where I might like to retire someday if I were a normal person. I know right now a lot of you wisenheimers are saying, “Retire from what?” but I’m serious. Well, not really, if you consider actually planning for retirement, but let’s pretend for the sake of this column.

For that reason I’ve always been curious about St. George, Utah, which also might sound a little odd to many of you given the stereotypes often associated with Utah. (People in Utah are well aware of the stereotypes, by the way.) Read the rest of this entry →


11 2015

I’m With Stupid – October 30, 2015

by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI know this is a little off-topic, but I’d like to revisit a subject from last month that I think deserves more time, and that’s my anniversary — or, more specifically, anniversaries in general — because I feel strongly about gender equality and I think guys have been getting ripped off when it comes to the annual celebrations of our wedding vows.

You know that there are suggested gifts that you’re supposed to give each other for each year of marriage that you’re celebrating, right? For instance, on the first anniversary, the gift is supposed to be a clock. It’s not terribly exciting, but at least it’s practical and something you can both use. Read the rest of this entry →


10 2015

I’m With Stupid – October 23, 2015

by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallMost of you probably don’t know this, as it’s not the sort of thing I’ve had much occasion to crow about for about 30 years, but I was once upon a time a huge New York Mets fan.

I was born and raised about a half-hour drive from Shea Stadium, my family and I would watch the Mets games every night on channel 9 and hanging on the wall in our kitchen there was a picture of my brother, me and two friends with Mets legend Tom Seaver in the tunnel behind home plate at Shea. I mean, I was all about the Mets, despite being a godawful baseball player myself. Read the rest of this entry →


10 2015

I’m With Stupid – October 16, 2015

by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallOK, I know you’re all dying to know how the Larabar cleanse went, but before we get to that, I’d like to stress that the following claims are mine alone, and nothing about my experience is backed or recommended by Larabar, doctors, science, research or common sense. In other words, read this column at your own risk.

For those who don’t remember, this was the Larabar-cleanse experiment: Three different eaters — a vegan (Subject L, my neighbor), a mostly healthy omnivore (Subject C, my wife) and a voracious carnivore (Subject Me) — eating nothing but Larabars for seven days, with one exception: We each got to have a non-Larabar dinner on a night of our own choosing. Read the rest of this entry →


10 2015

I’m With Stupid – October 9, 2015

by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallAbout four years ago, as some of you may remember, I did a health-food cleanse with somewhat mixed results. The idea was to start with nothing but fruits and veggies and then gradually add back in the heavy stuff, like quinoa and salmon. After a month of eating like that, or so I was told, I would not only be healthier, but I also would no longer crave red meat and carbs.

Wanna bet?

Needless to say, I didn’t stick with that diet, but I did lose 15 pounds in three weeks, and there’s no way I wasn’t healthier for having done it. Read the rest of this entry →


10 2015

I’m With Stupid – October 2, 2015

by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYou know how sometimes things start off as a joke but then over time people start to take them seriously? (Just for the record: No, I am not referring to any 2016 Republican presidential candidates, although I easily could be.)

One of the best examples I can think of is the “five-second rule.” I always assumed that when people dropped food on the floor, picked it up, declared, “five-second rule!” and then ate the food, they were just kidding around. But when, years later, scientists had to release studies proving that germs could get on food in less than five seconds, Read the rest of this entry →


10 2015

I’m With Stupid – September 25, 2015

by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallIt’s my 10th wedding anniversary today, so I would like to start by thanking my beautiful wife for this column idea and her love and reminding her that she is simultaneously the hardest-working person I know, the best mom I know and tied at No. 1 for the most important person in my life, even if I need to be reminded of it every now and then. Happy anniversary, P.J. I love you.

But anyway, the story that my wife pointed out to me was too awesome not to be a column right away, so I set aside what I was working on — no doubt some sober, Pulitzer-worthy treatise on one of the pressing issues of the day — and immediately changed tack. Read the rest of this entry →


09 2015

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