Zero Budget Productions

COME FOR THE FREAK, STAY FOR THE FOOD
by Todd Hartley

I suppose this isn’t the first time life has imitated the Simpsons – there are, after all, more than 500 episodes of that show – but this is the first time I can remember life imitating my favorite Simpsons episode, and it has put me in a frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous mood.

Let me refresh the scene for you: In season 4 of “The Simpsons,” in 1992, there was an episode called “New Kid on the Block,” written by Conan O’Brien, in which Homer sues a seafood restaurant – “The Frying Dutchman” – for falsely advertising its “all-you-can-eat” buffet. Read the rest of this entry →

WHEN INAPPROPRIATELY NAMED DINOSAURS WARMED THE EARTH
by Todd Hartley

Years ago, when I was about 4 years old and dinosaurs were my favorite thing in the world, I desperately wanted to change my name to Pachycephalosaurus Hartley. You see, I never crawled, and I wasn’t a very good walker, so I spent a lot of time falling flat on my face.

As a result, I spent much of my toddlerhood with big, swollen knots on my forehead. It wasn’t pretty, but I figured if I could convince people that I was indeed a Pachycephalosaurus, whose name means “thick-headed lizard,” they’d think the swollen parts were supposed to be there, and they wouldn’t make fun of me anymore. Read the rest of this entry →

SUING OVER NUTS AND THINGS THAT GO WITH THEM
by Todd Hartley

We all know that American society is far too litigious, right? I mean, hardly a day goes by that some imbecile doesn’t sue McDonald’s because they blame Big Macs for making them obese, and stories abound of prisoners suing states because they can’t get Count Chocula behind bars, or some such nonsense. But if you’ve ever wondered just how maddening things have gotten, two recent incidents are virtually guaranteed to get your blood boiling.

(Legal note: If your blood does, indeed, start boiling as a result of reading about said incidents, you may not sue me or the publication wherein you are reading this column. Read the rest of this entry →

WHERE HAVE YOU GONE JOSE DE MAGGIO?
by Todd Hartley

Wow. I had an inkling things were bad here in the U.S. the last few years, but I guess I never really understood just how far we’d fallen. I mean, sure, I realized the economy was in tatters, our image in the eyes of the rest of the world was fairly negative, and our popular music had gotten so unlistenable that even Kim Kardashian put out an album, but those seemed like minor problems. The latest news, however, makes it abundantly clear that we’ve reached a lower ebb than I would have thought possible. Read the rest of this entry →

MAKING YOURSELF MORE SMARTER THE ALCOHOLIC WAY
by Todd Hartley

Are you tired of hearing nothing but bad news? I know I am. It seems like every time I turn on the TV or surf the Internet or pick up a newspaper, all I hear or read about is government gridlock, partisan bickering in Washington, war, terrorism, murder, unemployment, obesity, etc., etc., etc. Thankfully, I’ve finally found some news that is not only good, it’s also completely practical.

A recent study from the University of Illinois published in the Journal of Consciousness and Cognition has shown that when men are given alcohol, “they can solve almost 40 percent more problems Read the rest of this entry →

IN LIVERPOOL, THEY CALL IT CRUSTY WEINER PUDDING
by Todd Hartley

By now, we’ve all heard so much about the alleged obesity epidemic threatening America’s waistlines that if you’re anything like me, you stopped paying attention years ago. Everyone in America is overweight, a single restaurant entree could feed a family of 23 Somalis, deep-frying everything greatly reduces its nutritional value, blah, blah, blah. We get it: We’re fat.

It’s gotten to the point where we just assume that if something is really bad for you – like chicken fried bacon, which actually exists – it first appeared somewhere in the U.S. Read the rest of this entry →

ARTIFICIALLY CREATING PEPSI’S NEXT BIG MESS
by Todd Hartley

I’m not usually one to jump on the latest food fads. For instance, it took me until my mid-20’s to catch on to such current trends as sushi and Mexican cuisine. Occasionally, however, a food product comes along that is all the rave, and I can’t get enough of it. One example is the flavor “chipotle,” which seemingly didn’t exist a few years ago. Love it. Whoever invented chipotle wins.

The other fad I’m totally on board with, or so I thought, is Greek yogurt. Read the rest of this entry →

LOPPING OFF LIMBS FOR FUN AND PROFIT
by Todd Hartley

Having never had a desire to injure myself, and having thus far successfully avoided putting myself in a position where lopping off body parts became necessary, I can’t claim to understand the psyche of self-mutilators. If forced to offer an opinion on the practice, I would probably say it seems like a bad idea, but like I said, I’m speaking from a position of ignorance.

I do, however, live in the Aspen area, former home to Aron Ralston, America’s most celebrated self-mutilator, Read the rest of this entry →

SKIING TELETUBBIES AND THE DEATH OF SPONTANEITY
by Todd Hartley

Last week I wrote a column about skiing – specifically my fat rump skiing Corbet’s Couloir at Jackson Hole. It was a little self-serving, admittedly, but it wasn’t originally intended to be that way. In fact, the whole reason I wrote a column about skiing in the first place was to discuss a relatively new trend in the ski world that I find utterly ridiculous. Unfortunately, I got so caught up in praising myself that I totally forgot to talk about what I meant to talk about, so this week, I’m going to talk about it. Read the rest of this entry →

MIDDLE-AGED FAT GUY FINALLY CONQUERS CORBETT’S
by Todd Hartley

Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, and I think my son might be confusing leprechauns with the Easter Bunny. I heard him and his friend discussing something about how leprechauns now offer a choice of a pot of gold or – for people unfamiliar with the concept of purchasing power – lots of candy. He’s going to be very disappointed when he not only doesn’t get candy, but the only pot of gold he sees comes as a result of once again failing to flush.

But that’s not what I came to talk about today. Read the rest of this entry →