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I’m With Stupid – December 19, 2014

GENETICALLY, IT’S THE SAME AS A CHIHUAHUA
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallLooking for that perfect last-minute holiday gift? Have you considered a wolf cub? No, seriously. They’re a little pricey at about $500, but that’s way cheaper than your average, run-of-the-mill whatever-poo.

You may scoff, but if you know any wealthy landowners in Kazakhstan, you would totally make their Rozhdestvo (pronounced: ruhzh-dees-TVOH) by buying them a wolf cub. Apparently, they’re all the rage among the elite in the Almaty region this holiday season. Read the rest of this entry →

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12 2014

I’m With Stupid – December 12, 2014

JESUS AND MARIJUANA CHAIN OF OFFENSE IN RIO RANCHO
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallAnswer this question truthfully for me: Who’s worse these days, people who say or write offensive stuff or the people who get really offended by it?

Once upon a time, I imagine the obvious answer was the offenders, but with the way things are now, I honestly think the offended may have become the bigger problem. A perfect case in point is a recent incident in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, that ultimately resulted in the resignation of a high school creative writing teacher. Read the rest of this entry →

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12 2014

I’m With Stupid – December 5, 2014

NO, REALLY, YOU JUST BOUGHT A BOX OF POOP
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallIt’s finally happened, people. We’ve finally passed the stupidity tipping point. We are now so irretrievably idiotic that some of us are paying for feces. That’s right: feces, poop, dung, stool, whatever you want to call it. Apparently, people have been buying it online.

So how did we devolve so far as a species that we’ve reached this sorry state? For the answer, I think we need to start with Jesus, as it’s his birthday that’s at the heart of the problem.

Once upon a time, Jesus was born, and three guys gave him gold and a couple of perfume ingredients, Read the rest of this entry →

05

12 2014

I’m With Stupid – November 28, 2014

FIGHTING MAN-MADE DISASTERS WITH MAN-MADE DISASTERS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI just watched the movie “Snowpiercer” the other night, a film about which I’d read some good reviews, and it was pretty meh. Definitely overrated. But that’s not the point. The point is that it’s based on just about the least realistic premise in the history of cinema. Or is it?

Here’s the plot: In 2014, humanity’s efforts to combat global warming end up freezing the Earth and killing all life on the planet. The only human survivors left are the few hundred who have managed to board a long train, the Snowpiercer, that travels continuously along a track that circles the snow-covered globe. Read the rest of this entry →

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11 2014

I’m With Stupid – November 21, 2014

TOP 5 REASONS NOT TO MARRY CHARLES MANSON
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallHave you heard about this woman who’s going to marry Charles Manson? No, seriously, some 26-year-old woman originally from Illinois got a marriage license and is reportedly all set to marry one of America’s most infamous criminals in December. I don’t know the woman personally, so I don’t want to come right out and call her stupid, but let’s be realistic: Few people have ever done anything stupider.

The woman, whose given name is Afton Burton, claims she became smitten with Manson 10 years ago after reading about his environmental leanings. I’m guessing she must have skimmed the first part of his bio Read the rest of this entry →

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11 2014

I’m With Stupid – November 14, 2014

MY NEIGHBOR FRED, THE REALLY GOOD DANCER
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThe other night my wife came home from a gala event she’d attended with a friend, and — as it was the social event of the season here in Basalt — she proceeded to rattle off a list of the who’s-who she’d seen to me, who hadn’t been able to attend and was a little bitter about it. I normally wouldn’t care that much, since galas aren’t really my thing, but from what I understand it was all-you-can-eat.

My wife told me how one couple we know danced the night away, and then she said, “Fred’s a really good dancer,” and I chuckled a little inside. Read the rest of this entry →

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11 2014

I’m With Stupid – November 7, 2014

STUPID IS ALIVE AND WELL IN THE NUTMEG STATE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallIn my ongoing research for this column, there are certain states that seem to appear on my radar more often than others. Florida, for example, is the current epicenter of stupid, and on any given Friday the antics of Sunshine Staters alone could fill a dozen columns. But picking on Florida is low-hanging fruit, so I only dip into that well when I must.

Texas, by virtue of its sheer size and Texas-ness, is always good for scads of stupid, as are California and New York for very similar reasons. Alaska, surprisingly, has been a fount of stupid recently thanks to a certain family and matriarch from Wasilla. Read the rest of this entry →

07

11 2014

I’m With Stupid – October 31, 2014

BROTHER LOVE’S NON-TRAVELING SALVATION PUMPKINS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallIt’s Halloween, which means that by virtue of living in central Colorado, I am once again privy to the miracle of the pumpkins, an annual happening I became aware of several years ago on a drive to a trailhead.

There is a road near where I live that follows a river back into the hills toward a lake, and if you drive it this time of year, you will see dozens of strategically placed pumpkins and a few gourds on both sides of the road. Look closely, and you might even see some in the river. Read the rest of this entry →

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10 2014

I’m With Stupid – October 24, 2014

LITIGIOUS SCUMBAGS DOING WHAT SCUMBAGS DO
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallIn case you’ve been wondering — what with all the other crap going on in the world today — whether the good old-fashioned American ethic of suing everybody over everything still exists, you’ll be happy to know (or maybe not) that it is alive and well. A perfect case in point is the lawsuit filed last week against Fox Television Studios by actor Frank Sivero.

In the suit, Sivero, who played a gangster named Frankie Carbone in the movie “Goodfellas,” alleges that “The Simpsons” stole his likeness for the character of Louie, a low-level mafia henchman who has appeared in 16 episodes of the show since 1991. Read the rest of this entry →

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10 2014

I’m With Stupid – October 17, 2014

SHARK-RIDING BABES AND VIGILANTE SURF WOLVES
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI’ve been back in Colorado for nearly two weeks now after my brief sojourn to Oahu, but I have to be honest: In my mind, I’m still in Hawaii. This has caused a bit of a problem with the time difference, as I’ve decided it gives me license to get up four hours later than normal, but the upside is that while you’re all shivering in the early-morning cold, I’m still in bed, dreaming of palm trees and perfect waves.

The best part is that in my dreams I can actually surf those waves without vomiting, which, as we discussed last week, is something I apparently can’t do in my waking life. Read the rest of this entry →

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10 2014


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