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I’m With Stupid – September 19, 2014

THE PREDICTIVE PROWESS OF DEEP-FRIED POULTRY
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallBy the time you read this, Scotland will have decided already whether to secede from the United Kingdom and form its own independent country. I assure you, however, that as of this writing, the vote is still in the future and I don’t know what the outcome will be. I can hazard an informed guess, though, and for that I have KFC to thank.

For you see, just the other day, a customer at a KFC in England ordered a “fillet feast” and received a deep-fried chicken breast that is the spittin’ image of England without Scotland Read the rest of this entry →

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09 2014

I’m With Stupid – September 12, 2014

MASTERING THE MENTAL SIDE OF F*%#ING GOLF
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallAs many of you know, I consider myself an avid golfer — and by avid, I mean that I only play sporadically but still become enraged when I don’t hit each shot perfectly. Although I’m not so bad now, once upon a time a round of golf with me was almost guaranteed to include gratuitous cursing and even some club throwing.

I have fond memories of playing golf with my parents and older brother when I was a kid. This is largely due to the fact that my mother and brother have tempers that are worse than mine and would make me feel stoic by comparison. Read the rest of this entry →

12

09 2014

I’m With Stupid – September 5, 2014

WHEN WILL THE REPTILE ABUSE FINALLY END?
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallA month ago, I wrote a column chronicling the serious matter of the Russian satellite Foton-M4, which was carrying five geckos so that scientists could spy on the lizards having sex or, as the scientists claimed, conduct a “study of the effect of microgravity on sexual behavior.”

I know you were all captivated by the story, so it is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that all five geckos have died. The Foton-M4 returned to Earth on Monday, but all the geckos were dead and appeared to have been deceased for at least a week Read the rest of this entry →

05

09 2014

I’m With Stupid – August 29, 2014

REMEMBERING HOW MUCH YOU LIKED WEDGIES
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallDid you ever see that movie, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” with Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet? It was pretty good and a little hard to follow, but basically it involved Carrey and Winslet’s characters having their memories cleansed of each other after a bad breakup, or something like that.

Like all movies that involve the artificial manipulation of people’s memories, “Eternal Sunshine,” which hit screens in 2004, has always been considered a work of fiction. But that was before Wednesday. Read the rest of this entry →

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08 2014

I’m With Stupid – August 22, 2014

HITCHER MEETS TERMINATOR IN TERRIFYING EXPERIMENT
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallIn case you were wondering, HitchBOT made it safely to the Pacific Coast last week. I know a lot of you have been following the HitchBOT story, so you’ll be glad to know it was a success.

For those of you who don’t know what HitchBOT is, I’ll explain. HitchBOT is a robot that just hitchhiked its way from Halifax, Nova Scotia, to Victoria, British Columbia, a distance of about 3,700 miles.

Super nerds might say HitchBOT looks a little like R5-D4 with pool-noodle appendages; Read the rest of this entry →

22

08 2014

I’m With Stupid – August 15, 2014

BECAUSE I HAD TO BE A BIG SHOT, DIDN’T I?
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallSome of you may not know this, but I’m kind of a big deal. I get recognized. I mean, I got recognized once, and it could happen again, so it counts.

You see, that’s what happens when the same black-and-white picture of your bald head runs every Friday for 325 weeks in a row in a major national newspaper like The Aspen Times. Eventually, someone recognizes your face. Someone recognized mine, meaning that evidently my face hasn’t aged in six years, so I got that going for me, which is nice. Read the rest of this entry →

15

08 2014

I’m With Stupid – August 8, 2014

A SHAMELESS PLEA TO SPARE ME PHONE DUTY
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThose of you who know me know that despite my bald pate, near-constant stubble and middle-aged paunch, I am one of the least adult grown-ups in the world. Part of that comes from living in the Neverland that is the Roaring Fork Valley, certainly, but the main reason is that I’m an expert at shirking responsibility. I always have been, and by the looks of things, apparently I always will be.

That’s why it may come as a surprise to some of you to learn that in addition to being the CEO of Zero Budget Productions, Inc., a wildly successful creative-services company, Read the rest of this entry →

08

08 2014

I’m With Stupid – August 1, 2014

IF THE SATELLITE’S A-ROCKIN’ DON’T COME KNOCKIN’
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallOK, you can relax now, people. The big crisis in Russia is over. Everything is going to be all right.

Well, maybe not everything. I mean, there’s still the whole Ukraine thing with its downed airliner, missiles and land mines, but at least Russian scientists know what the geckos are doing to one another again.

You’ve been following the saga of the geckos, right? It’s only the biggest, most salacious news story of the year in the scientific world. Read the rest of this entry →

01

08 2014

I’m With Stupid – July 25, 2014

SAVING ME FROM MY SUSPECT CYCLING SKILLS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI want to take this opportunity to wish my mother, who turns a year older today, a very happy birthday, although I fear she won’t have one. You see, my poor mother just had surgery the other day on her shoulder, and pain is one of her least favorite feelings but most favorite conversation topics.

On that note, I’d also like to wish my poor father good luck. Pop, make sure to get Mom a birthday present that is way over the top, like morphine or maybe the cast of “Downton Abbey” to wait on her hand and foot as she recovers. Read the rest of this entry →

25

07 2014

I’m With Stupid – July 18, 2014

WHERE GREAT MINDS AND I COME TO MEET
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI got my annual dose of humility this week when I attended the Fortune Brainstorm Tech conference in Aspen, an event that brings Wall Street and Silicon Valley elite together for three days of talks and networking. I’ve been to it four years in a row now, and it’s always a good ego check for me.

My head had been a little swollen the past month or so because some guy told me he liked my semiweekly, volunteer radio show. Then Monday I had dinner in a room with a combined net worth of googolplex, none of it contributed by me, and that took care of that. Read the rest of this entry →

18

07 2014


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