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I’m With Stupid – May 22, 2015

I’M A BOY, BUT MY MA WON’T ADMIT IT
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI know I like to make fun of Boulder a lot in this column as a bastion of liberal fascism, and a lot of the time Boulder doesn’t really deserve it. But then, a lot of the time, it does.

I’m going to tell you this story in the plainest language I can so as not to taint it with my opinions yet. Then I’ll give you an earful. But first, I’ll let it stand on its own merits.

Just this past week, a Boulder woman named Kai McKenzie filed a civil-rights complaint against the Boulder Valley School District, Read the rest of this entry →

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05 2015

I’m With Stupid – May 15, 2015

IN THE WHITE RIM, WITH BACKS HURTIN’
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallOver the years, I’ve visited Utah plenty of times, including about eight or nine trips to Moab, and I’ve visited Arches National Park and Dead Horse Point State Park three or four times each. But in all those trips to Utah, I’ve never driven past Dead Horse to Canyonlands National Park. No reason. It just never happened.

I’d heard great things, of course. Eighteen billion RV drivers can’t be wrong. But I also heard that if you were going to the park’s Island in the Sky district, the one nearest Moab, you had to get down into to it to appreciate it. Read the rest of this entry →

15

05 2015

I’m With Stupid – May 8, 2015

WILL IT BE A DE BLESSING OR DE BLASPHEMY?
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThe other day, I read with great interest an article about how New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio plans to unveil what he’s calling a “Progressive Agenda to Combat Income Inequality” next week. Like de Blasio, I consider income inequality to be one of the defining issues of our time, and I’d like to hear what the mayor has to say on the subject.

The document, which is being touted as a sort of “Contract With America” for the left, is going to be featured in the May 21 issue of Rolling Stone magazine, but parts of it have been leaked to the press ahead of time. Read the rest of this entry →

08

05 2015

I’m With Stupid – May 1, 2015

THE REAL REASON COWS DON’T GET EARWORMS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallApparently, I gotta start chewing more gum, and that’s a problem because I’m not a big gum fan.

Oh, I had my day. Back when I was a kid, I could chew Lenny Dykstra-sized pinches of Big League Chew and blow Bubble Yum bubbles bigger than my head, despite the constant threat of spider eggs in the gum.

Yep, I could chew with the best of them, but those days are gone. Read the rest of this entry →

01

05 2015

I’m With Stupid – April 24, 2015

TO BESTIALIZE OR NOT TO BESTIALIZE, THAT IS THE QUESTION
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallMany years ago, as part of an assignment in elementary school, I wrote a report on Denmark, a place where I had never been and still have yet to visit. The report was filled with descriptions of quintessentially Danish wonders such as smorgasbords, “The Little Mermaid,” pastries with fruit and/or cheese and the notion that a country the size of a football field was in control of a massive icebound island on the far side of the Atlantic.

Based on my report, and despite subsequent attempts — such as having to read “Hamlet” — to turn me against the Danes, Read the rest of this entry →

24

04 2015

I’m With Stupid – April 17, 2015

BASALT TRIES TO PUTT THE BALL IN THE CLOWN’S MOUTH
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallFor those of you who don’t live in this area, here’s the scoop: There was a small trailer park on prime riverfront acreage in downtown Basalt, but it all sat in the flood plain of the Roaring Fork River. Back when it used to snow, we’d hear every spring that the residents of the trailer park were in mortal danger from rising water and needed to be evacuated immediately, but each spring came and went and the portended floods never seemed to materialize.

Eventually, though, Basalt’s prophesies of doom won out. The residents were evacuated and compensated and the trailer park was razed Read the rest of this entry →

17

04 2015

I’m With Stupid – April 10, 2015

YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE WE ARE MAGIC
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI’ve been on a bit of a rant for the past month here at “I’m With Stupid,” and I think maybe it’s not the best thing for my blood pressure. Thus, I’ve decided to take a week off from ranting to focus on more positive things.

Usually when I do this, I have to rack my brain for column ideas because positive things aren’t all that funny. Comedy, which I aspire to even while ranting, depends on conflict. This time around, though, after very little thought, I knew I had something. Read the rest of this entry →

10

04 2015

I’m With Stupid – April 3, 2015

FROM INDIANA TO ITHACA, GOSH, WE’RE SO TOLERANT
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallSo what do you all think of this whole Indiana thing? Pretty crazy, isn’t it? I won’t even begin to tackle the subject because I haven’t read Indiana’s allegedly anti-gay law and don’t know any more about it than any of the other 200 million outragees who are tripping all over themselves to show how politically correct they are by divesting in Indiana like it’s apartheid-era South Africa, but that’s just me.

Seriously, pipe down a little, people. Read the rest of this entry →

03

04 2015

I’m With Stupid – March 27, 2015

MEET BOB NOXIOUS, MY LOCAL LIBRARIAN
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallAt my local library, in the parking lot, by two of the spots near the door, there are signs that read, “Hybrid Low-Emission Parking Only.”

Excuse me while I go puke, would you?

OK, I’m back.

Parking for low-emission and hybrid vehicles only? What kind of bleeding-heart, sanctimonious, snobtastic, douchey horse crap is that? Read the rest of this entry →

27

03 2015

I’m With Stupid – March 20, 2015

GOD SAID YOU SHOULD BUY ME A YACHT
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallHey everyone, I’ve been talking to this guy and he told me that I need a big yacht so I can cruise around the world telling people that he told me you can get a big yacht if you believe you can.

And not just any yacht, mind you; he told me I needed Everest, a 600-foot megayacht being built right now in Fort Lauderdale. Everest will have 17 bedroom suites with private terraces, a pool, indoor and outdoor cinemas, a gym, spa, dive center, two elevators and room for two helicopters, numerous cars, a submarine, another boat or two and 80 people to run everything Read the rest of this entry →

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03 2015


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