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I’m With Stupid – January 20, 2017

GET READY FOR ELVIS’S SECOND BIG COMEBACK SPECIAL
by Todd Hartley

I was never that big of an Elvis Presley guy. I was only 7 when he died, and I wasn’t really a fan of his music, so I never understood all the “King of Rock ‘n’ Roll” hype. By the time I was a teen in the ’80s, everything about Elvis, from his lyrics to his pelvis, seemed utterly tame, and he was never much more than an afterthought for me.

So, if you happen to be an Elvis fan — especially if you’re one who thinks the King is still alive — know that what I’m about to tell you is coming from a place of true skepticism. You can trust me 100 percent because I don’t have a stake in any of this. Read the rest of this entry →

20

01 2017

I’m With Stupid – January 13, 2017

GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT, DOCTOR. I CAN TAKE IT
by Todd Hartley

Some of you may remember that a couple of weeks ago I went on a rant about how news outlets are constantly reporting conjecture as fact to rile up their bases and increase sales. In that particular case, it was the New York Post basically insinuating that we’ve made contact with aliens, but the problem is rampant media-wide and contributes mightily to the astounding level of stupid in America today.

Here’s the way I see it: If you routinely fall for fake news and start sharing it around on social media and referring to it in your conversations, then you were probably afflicted with stupid to begin with. No amount of real journalism was going to save you. Read the rest of this entry →

13

01 2017

I’m With Stupid – January 6, 2017

AVOWED DOG PERSON EULOGIZES FELINE FRENEMY
by Todd Hartley

Before we get to the sappy part of this column, I want to explain a few things having to do with my relationship with poetry and cats. I feel a deeper understanding of both subjects will make it easier for you to forgive me for the sappy part when we finally get there.

First of all, I am not a poet. I’m more of a sonneteer. To me, a poet is someone who gets up in front of six people in a coffee house and recites some gobbledygook about their feelings, and that’s so not me. That sort of brutally honest, stream-of-consciousness stuff is beyond my capability. That’s why I work almost exclusively in sonnets. Read the rest of this entry →

06

01 2017

I’m With Stupid – December 30, 2016

ALIENS COULD BE PREPARING TO INVADE YOUR TOWN
by Todd Hartley

Get your guns and canned goods and get ready to hunker down, folks. The fit is about to hit the shan. The alien invasion is on. If you have an underground bunker in which to hide out, I recommend going there and staying there now. But don’t trust me; trust none other than the New York Post. Witness this headline from Dec. 27, 2016: “Scientists say radio signals from deep space could be aliens.”

You see what I’m saying? It’s about to get real. Somebody get Jodie Foster and tell her that her dad wants to talk to her. We may have just made contact. Read the rest of this entry →

30

12 2016

I’m With Stupid – December 23, 2016

HOW THE TRUMP STOLE CHRISTMAS
by Todd Hartley

Every Who in Creation had been dreading Xmas
From Lapps in reindeer land to mothers in Texmas
The crass commercialism! The prices of gifts!
The torture of airports and crowded ski lifts!
Whatever their reasons, they’d had quite enough
And between 60 zillion they raised such a huff
That it built up as vapor, a voluminous cloud
Of everyone’s issues, the whole madding crowd
And that cloud headed northward past Juneau and Nome
To out where the musk ox and caribou roam Read the rest of this entry →

23

12 2016

I’m With Stupid – December 16, 2016

YOU SUCK, BUT THE LOVE GROUP LOVES YOU ANYWAY
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThere’s nothing worse about Donald Trump, I feel, than his penchant for lashing out at people with his tweets. It’s so pathetic. Seriously, did we elect a mean girl for president? All hail the cyberbully-in-chief.

Bad as that is, though, what’s much, much worse is how Trump supporters, or people pretending to be Trump supporters, then attack those people online and over the phone and threaten to rape them or kill their families. If you’ve ever done that, even as what you thought was a joke, you’re sick and you need help. Read the rest of this entry →

16

12 2016

I’m With Stupid – December 9, 2016

THE PRESERVATIVE POWER OF MSG AND SPECIAL SAUCE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallWhen I was a kid, there was this guy who I think lived in my town for a while named Jim Fixx. Some of you old farts might remember the name. In 1977, he wrote a book called “The Complete Book of Running” that turned into a big deal (No. 1 bestseller for 11 weeks) because back in those days we needed entire books to explain to us how to jog. No one had ever thought of doing it before then.

The book told the tale of how Fixx, a 214-pound, two-pack-a-day smoker, lost 60 pounds and quit smoking by taking up jogging. That motivated everyone to get up and start running around, and Fixx, according to Wikipedia, was “credited with helping start America’s fitness revolution.”  Read the rest of this entry →

09

12 2016

I’m With Stupid – December 2, 2016

THE RIGHT WAR ON THE WRONG BATTLEFIELD
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallWith the news last month that four cities — Boulder, San Francisco, Oakland and Albany, California — had voted to join cities like Berkeley, Philadelphia and Chicago in taxing sugary beverages, it got me wondering which beverages would be getting taxed and which wouldn’t. There’s a lot of sugar out there, after all, and it seems to me that these taxes could end up getting applied indiscriminately if not handled correctly.

So, being the diligent researcher that I am, I decided to look into the issue. It turns out that the basic rule is that if it has added sugar, it gets taxed. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. This means that non-diet sodas, iced teas and sports drinks will get taxed by the ounce, while 100 percent fruit juices with no added sugar will not. Read the rest of this entry →

02

12 2016

I’m With Stupid – November 25, 2016

DUMB PROCLAMATIONS FROM A TURKEY HANGOVER
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThe other day, I was standing in front of a mirror with my shirt off — not deliberately, mind you. It’s not like I took my shirt off to go flex in front of a mirror. I just happened to be stepping out of the shower — and maybe the mirror was fogged up or something, but I actually thought I looked a little less flabby than I usually do.

Buoyed, I stepped on the scale hoping for glad tidings, and boy, was I wrong. Turns out I was near the high end of my range, which is typically from about 205 to 215 pounds, depending on how recently lunch or a good bowel movement has taken place. Read the rest of this entry →

25

11 2016

I’m With Stupid – November 18, 2016

ONCE-PROUD NATION TORN ABOUT BY BEAVERS AND BIRDS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI know things seem tough right now, America. I know it feels like we’ve been torn in two and we’re at war with ourselves. I know a lot of wimpy-ass college kids and professors need time off from classes to deal with their hurt feelings, and I know that rioting and protests are happening all over the place. I admit: It’s bad. But things could be worse: We could be Canada.

That’s right: Canada, that supposedly idyllic place you wish you could move to right now. You may not know this, America, since you’ve been so hung up on your own problems lately, but our neighbor to the north also has been a house divided for half a decade now, wracked by partisan squabbling, heated disagreement and all sorts of infighting. Read the rest of this entry →

18

11 2016


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