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I’m With Stupid – July 25, 2014

SAVING ME FROM MY SUSPECT CYCLING SKILLS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI want to take this opportunity to wish my mother, who turns a year older today, a very happy birthday, although I fear she won’t have one. You see, my poor mother just had surgery the other day on her shoulder, and pain is one of her least favorite feelings but most favorite conversation topics.

On that note, I’d also like to wish my poor father good luck. Pop, make sure to get Mom a birthday present that is way over the top, like morphine or maybe the cast of “Downton Abbey” to wait on her hand and foot as she recovers. Read the rest of this entry →

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07 2014

I’m With Stupid – July 18, 2014

WHERE GREAT MINDS AND I COME TO MEET
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI got my annual dose of humility this week when I attended the Fortune Brainstorm Tech conference in Aspen, an event that brings Wall Street and Silicon Valley elite together for three days of talks and networking. I’ve been to it four years in a row now, and it’s always a good ego check for me.

My head had been a little swollen the past month or so because some guy told me he liked my semiweekly, volunteer radio show. Then Monday I had dinner in a room with a combined net worth of googolplex, none of it contributed by me, and that took care of that. Read the rest of this entry →

18

07 2014

I’m With Stupid – July 11, 2014

I SHOULDA LEARNED TO POTATO THEM DRUMS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI’m going to be a pest this week and get a song stuck in your head, but it’s an OK song, so it won’t be that bad. And you’ll definitely remember the song. You’ll probably even remember the video, which seemed cutting-edge in 1985 but is laughably outdated now.

The song is “Money for Nothing,” by Dire Straits, and the video, made with Atari-era CGI, is notable for featuring a man’s frozen, decapitated head thawing out in a microwave oven. It was a big hit back when MTV still played music videos. Read the rest of this entry →

11

07 2014

I’m With Stupid – July 4, 2014

IS IT EVER OK TO PUNCH AN EVIL RABBIT?
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallDid you ever see the movie “Willard,” starring Crispin Glover? It came out back in 2003 and didn’t fare that well at the box office, but it’s pretty good if you like creepy things like Crispin Glover. It’s about a guy who makes friends with the huge colony of rats living in his basement and then charmingly trains them to kill and devour someone.

Now, I’m as big a fan of pet rats as anyone; astute readers will remember that just a month and a half ago, I vowed to get one if they ever learn how to grow fur on their tails. Read the rest of this entry →

04

07 2014

I’m With Stupid – June 27, 2014

THE CUTEST, SCARIEST THING YOU EVER DID SEE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallMy son and I got to see a family of skunks while walking along the Roaring Fork River the other day. There was a mother and four little ones about the size of kittens, and they were marching in a line through the underbrush with their tails sticking straight up in the air. It would have been the cutest thing ever, except that we had our two dogs with us, and our dogs love to chase little critters.

As you might expect, I was terrified. I screamed for the dogs to come to me, but they rarely listen and once again failed to do so, and both made a beeline for the skunks, seemingly intent on giving chase. Read the rest of this entry →

27

06 2014

I’m With Stupid – June 20, 2014

THE ONE THING BACON DOESN’T MAKE BETTER
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI was at a party last night, and one of the appetizers being served was a little skewer of fried pork belly. Naturally, I went back for seconds … and thirds, fourths and fifths, which is not quite as gross as it sounds, as the portions were quite small. (Of course, I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t have gone back for fifths if the portions were bigger.)

Despite gorging myself, I have to say I’m still ambivalent about pork belly as a food trend. It’s not that I dislike the taste or have any moral objection to eating fat; it’s just that pork belly doesn’t deserve to be its own trend. Read the rest of this entry →

20

06 2014

I’m With Stupid – June 13, 2014

ORGANIC CAT LITTER COULD DESTROY MANKIND
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI ran into an old friend at a memorial service last week, and she told me a story about cat litter that she thought was perfect for “I’m With Stupid.” I was intrigued immediately. You see, cat litter is a very sensitive subject with me — well, not so much cat litter as my cat’s failure to use it, but you get the idea. If the subject was cat litter and there existed a chance that it could help me change my cat’s peeing habits, I was all ears.

The story concerned an accident at America’s only nuclear dump, the Waste Isolation Pilot Plant in New Mexico. Back in February, a 55-gallon drum of radioactive waste that had just arrived there from Los Alamos National Laboratory suddenly burst open and spilled. Read the rest of this entry →

13

06 2014

I’m With Stupid – June 6, 2014

HIGHWAY SAFETY? DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallSomething happened recently northwest of Portland, Oregon, that really touched a nerve for me personally, and if you don’t mind I’d like to drop my usual snarkiness and cynicism for the week to discuss this serious topic in the adult manner that it deserves.

For I am a tunnel breath-holder. I hold my breath when I drive through tunnels — not every tunnel and not every time, but when the opportunity is there, I usually inhale a big lungful before going in and see if I can make it. I don’t remember why or when I started doing it, but it was a long time ago. Read the rest of this entry →

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06 2014

I’m With Stupid – May 30, 2014

THE INDOMITABLE IRON HORSE OF OP-ED IDIOCY
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThus far in writing this column each week, I’m proud to say that I have yet to indulge in any unseemly self-commemoration. If you grant me nothing else, you have to at least give me credit for that. Admittedly, it’s mostly because I’ve always forgotten to do it, but still, I haven’t done it, and I should be commended.

I was completely oblivious to its significance when I wrote my 100th column, a confusing diatribe about how provocatively dressed women cause earthquakes, and I inadvertently paid no heed two years later when my 200th column was a ski-snobbish, holier-than-thou rant against Teletubbies — those people who ski with GoPro cameras on their helmets. Read the rest of this entry →

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05 2014

I’m With Stupid – May 23, 2014

GIVING A RAT’S PATOOTIE ABOUT LOOKING CUTER
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI feel sorry for rats; I really do. According to a pet-rescue website, “Rats are intelligent, affectionate, clean animals with lots of personality and enjoy spending time with people.” They supposedly make great pets, and their faces are every bit as cute as those of gerbils and mice. But there’s just something about that tail — that hairless, wormlike tail — that creeps people out.

Admittedly, people also might be a little creeped out by the rat’s association with things like sewers, trash dumps, sinking ships, bubonic plagues and getting cancer in laboratories, Read the rest of this entry →

23

05 2014


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