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I’m With Stupid – June 19, 2015

PRESENTING THE STUPID PARTY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYou probably know, thanks to the media’s already rabid coverage of the 2016 presidential election, that there are scads of Republican candidates running. But here’s something I bet you didn’t know: As of this writing, the actual number of declared Republican Party presidential candidates is 90.

That’s right: 90. There also are 65 Democratic Party candidates, 102 independents, 33 “others” and 20 “none.” In total, according to the Federal Election Commission, a whopping 397 people have already filed the necessary paperwork to run for president in 2016. Read the rest of this entry →

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06 2015

I’m With Stupid – June 12, 2015

I SENSE THAT YOU ARE NOT VERY BRIGHT
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThink about the fortuneteller in popular culture — the bandaged, bejeweled gypsy kind. Has there ever been an honest one? The only one I can remember is Whoopi Goldberg in “Ghost,” but that wasn’t until Patrick Swayze got into her and swayzed* her up and made her make out with Demi Moore.

Other than that, they’re all the same. They all seem to be named Madam Lazora for some reason, and they’re all either evil or they’re just liars, like the one who sent Pee Wee Herman off to find the basement of the Alamo. Read the rest of this entry →

12

06 2015

I’m With Stupid – June 5, 2015

A DUMBED-DOWN DEFINITION OF ‘MONUMENTAL’
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI’ve been doing a bunch of research recently on Browns Canyon National Monument, which many of you may not realize is now a thing. It’s over on the other side of Independence Pass from Aspen, on the far side of the Arkansas River between Buena Vista and Salida, roughly.

If you know Browns Canyon at all, it’s probably from having floated through it. It’s a very popular rafting trip. The area was just designated as a national monument by President Barack Obama back in February, but activists in Chaffee County have been pushing for the designation for decades. Read the rest of this entry →

05

06 2015

I’m With Stupid – May 29, 2015

ARRESTED DESPITE 72,000 GOOD-LUCK CHARMS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI have to admit that I’m a big fan of the senior prank, that time-honored tradition of doing something extra stupid just before you graduate high school. I consider it a much cooler rite of passage than the prom, which is downright barbaric. But it can’t be just any old prank. It’s got to be something clever, memorable, group-oriented and light on vandalism.

My high school class’ senior prank was to build a couple of cinder-block walls and seal off two wings of the school. It wasn’t a great prank, admittedly, Read the rest of this entry →

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05 2015

I’m With Stupid – May 22, 2015

I’M A BOY, BUT MY MA WON’T ADMIT IT
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI know I like to make fun of Boulder a lot in this column as a bastion of liberal fascism, and a lot of the time Boulder doesn’t really deserve it. But then, a lot of the time, it does.

I’m going to tell you this story in the plainest language I can so as not to taint it with my opinions yet. Then I’ll give you an earful. But first, I’ll let it stand on its own merits.

Just this past week, a Boulder woman named Kai McKenzie filed a civil-rights complaint against the Boulder Valley School District, Read the rest of this entry →

22

05 2015

I’m With Stupid – May 15, 2015

IN THE WHITE RIM, WITH BACKS HURTIN’
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallOver the years, I’ve visited Utah plenty of times, including about eight or nine trips to Moab, and I’ve visited Arches National Park and Dead Horse Point State Park three or four times each. But in all those trips to Utah, I’ve never driven past Dead Horse to Canyonlands National Park. No reason. It just never happened.

I’d heard great things, of course. Eighteen billion RV drivers can’t be wrong. But I also heard that if you were going to the park’s Island in the Sky district, the one nearest Moab, you had to get down into to it to appreciate it. Read the rest of this entry →

15

05 2015

I’m With Stupid – May 8, 2015

WILL IT BE A DE BLESSING OR DE BLASPHEMY?
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThe other day, I read with great interest an article about how New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio plans to unveil what he’s calling a “Progressive Agenda to Combat Income Inequality” next week. Like de Blasio, I consider income inequality to be one of the defining issues of our time, and I’d like to hear what the mayor has to say on the subject.

The document, which is being touted as a sort of “Contract With America” for the left, is going to be featured in the May 21 issue of Rolling Stone magazine, but parts of it have been leaked to the press ahead of time. Read the rest of this entry →

08

05 2015

I’m With Stupid – May 1, 2015

THE REAL REASON COWS DON’T GET EARWORMS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallApparently, I gotta start chewing more gum, and that’s a problem because I’m not a big gum fan.

Oh, I had my day. Back when I was a kid, I could chew Lenny Dykstra-sized pinches of Big League Chew and blow Bubble Yum bubbles bigger than my head, despite the constant threat of spider eggs in the gum.

Yep, I could chew with the best of them, but those days are gone. Read the rest of this entry →

01

05 2015

I’m With Stupid – April 24, 2015

TO BESTIALIZE OR NOT TO BESTIALIZE, THAT IS THE QUESTION
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallMany years ago, as part of an assignment in elementary school, I wrote a report on Denmark, a place where I had never been and still have yet to visit. The report was filled with descriptions of quintessentially Danish wonders such as smorgasbords, “The Little Mermaid,” pastries with fruit and/or cheese and the notion that a country the size of a football field was in control of a massive icebound island on the far side of the Atlantic.

Based on my report, and despite subsequent attempts — such as having to read “Hamlet” — to turn me against the Danes, Read the rest of this entry →

24

04 2015

I’m With Stupid – April 17, 2015

BASALT TRIES TO PUTT THE BALL IN THE CLOWN’S MOUTH
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallFor those of you who don’t live in this area, here’s the scoop: There was a small trailer park on prime riverfront acreage in downtown Basalt, but it all sat in the flood plain of the Roaring Fork River. Back when it used to snow, we’d hear every spring that the residents of the trailer park were in mortal danger from rising water and needed to be evacuated immediately, but each spring came and went and the portended floods never seemed to materialize.

Eventually, though, Basalt’s prophesies of doom won out. The residents were evacuated and compensated and the trailer park was razed Read the rest of this entry →

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04 2015


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