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Archive for the ‘I’m With Stupid’ category

I’m With Stupid – May 5, 2017

NA-NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA-NA HEY HEY HEY
by Todd Hartley

Sports fans probably understand the title of this column, but I imagine many of the rest of you don’t. Just know that the gibberish words I wrote are actually lyrics from the song “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye,” originally recorded by three guys from my home state of Connecticut under the fictitious band name Steam.

The song reached No. 1 for two weeks in December 1969 and has been covered by, among others, The Supremes, The Belmonts, The Nylons and, most notably, Bananarama. If you know that version, see if you can conjure it up in your head right now as a soundtrack while you read. Read the rest of this entry →

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05 2017

I’m With Stupid – April 28, 2017

NASA THINKS YOU CAN’T REMEMBER 6 YEARS AGO
by Todd Hartley

I don’t know if you guys pay attention to science news, but if you do, you might have noticed a headline a couple of weeks ago that went something like this: “NASA: Saturn’s moon Enceladus could support life.”

On April 13 and for the next few days, a variation of that headline ran as a lead story on virtually every big media website you can imagine. Do a Google news search for it and you’ll see what I’m talking about. The press treated it almost like NASA was declaring that it had found proof of alien life. It was big news. Read the rest of this entry →

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04 2017

I’m With Stupid – April 21, 2017

THINGS THAT ARE BAD SUBSTITUTES FOR TOILET PLUNGERS
by Todd Hartley

You know that feeling you get when you flush the toilet and the water starts going up instead of down? Jerry Seinfeld called that situation arising at a party “the most frightening moment in the life of a human being.” I agree completely. But even when you’re just at home by yourself, it’s still a terrifying predicament.

Fortunately, the horror has only befallen me a handful of times over the years, no doubt because I’m so dainty and eat such a sensible diet. And, as luck would have it, I actually know exactly what to do in that situation, which is to turn off the valve on the pipe running to the toilet before the soiled water spills out over the top of the bowl. Read the rest of this entry →

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04 2017

I’m With Stupid – April 14, 2017

GRAND IS TOTALLY MORE EPIC THAN EPIC
by Todd Hartley

Yesterday was my friend’s birthday, and while I wished him a happy one, I neglected to mention that I thought he, as a resident of Waitsfield, Vermont, and a shareholder in Mad River Glen ski area, might want to rally his troops right now and get ready for battle.

The way things are going, it’s only a matter of time before one or the other of skiing’s new behemoths is going to want to buy Waitsfield’s beloved but curmudgeonly local hill, and Mad River better know how it plans to respond. Read the rest of this entry →

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04 2017

I’m With Stupid – April 7, 2017

GETTING A LITTLE SQUIRRELY ABOUT FAKE NEWS
by Todd Hartley

This week, I was so excited to write a column about one of the best things I’ve seen on Facebook in a while: “Woman arrested for training squirrels to attack her ex-boyfriend.” I’m not even sure what the crime would be for something like that, but it was accompanied by the greatest mug shot I’ve ever seen — just awesomely stupid. I couldn’t believe how easy my job was going to be.

I practically had the column written in my mind the minute I saw the headline. I was going to go out and trap a bunch of squirrels and train them to be special operations forces. Then I was going to set them loose to kill all the world’s religious extremists. It was going to be a win-win. Read the rest of this entry →

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04 2017

I’m With Stupid – March 31, 2017

TINY PROSTITUTES AND THEIR DISGUSTING BOOTIES
by Todd Hartley

Before we get too far into this, I want to warn you all that what you are about to read may shock and offend you. At least, I hope it does. But if you have delicate sensibilities and want to bail out now, I won’t take it personally.

For the rest of you, I’m going to relate the tale of the happenstance that may well have shredded the last of my hope for humanity.

Here’s my routine most weeks when it comes to looking for something to write about, for no particular reason: First I go to the BBC News website and click on “Also in the News.” If I don’t find a compelling headline there, I move on to other websites’ “Odd News” pages. If that doesn’t work, I just make stuff up. Read the rest of this entry →

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03 2017

I’m With Stupid – March 24, 2017

ASPEN SHOULD RACE TO KEEP RACES IN TOWN
by Todd Hartley

Well, that was fun, wasn’t it? We should do that more often, by which I mean every winter.

If you weren’t in Aspen last week, you missed out on a heck of a party during the World Cup finals. It was the biggest sporting event in the city’s history, and I think Aspen knocked it out of the park. Things really couldn’t have gone much better.

The races were exciting, with plenty of drama; the courses held up beautifully, despite temperatures in the 60s; and the weather — well, if there’s such a thing as too perfect, a week in March with nary a cloud certainly qualifies. Read the rest of this entry →

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03 2017

I’m With Stupid – March 17, 2017

THE INCONVENIENT TRUTH ABOUT ST. PATRICK’S DAY
by Todd Hartley

It’s St. Patrick’s Day today, and before I get drunk on green beer, I thought it might behoove me to learn something about the man in whose name I’ll be imbibing. Not that I care for Columbus Day, but at least I know what Columbus did. All I thought I knew about Patrick is that he chased the snakes out of Ireland, or something like that, which sounded pretty made-up.

So I looked the guy up, and guess what? It turns out we’ve been living a bunch of lies for all these years. Patrick, the man I thought was the patron saint of corned beef, cabbage and the color green, wasn’t actually named Patrick, and he wasn’t even Irish. Read the rest of this entry →

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03 2017

I’m With Stupid – March 10, 2017

IT’S TIME FOR A “DAY WITHOUT THE DOWNVALLEY”
by Todd Hartley

I don’t usually wade into other people’s arguments, particularly in online comment sections, but I read an exchange of viewpoints recently on The Aspen Times’ website that I figured I could have a little fun with, so here goes. The names have been changed because I don’t feel like giving either guy the publicity, but other than that this is mostly real.

The first chap — call him Chet — is a frequent writer of letters to the editor about his favorite subject, which happens to be the Entrance to Aspen and its resultant traffic issues. Chet is very much against the status quo, fervently believes Highway 82 should make a four-lane straight shot into downtown Aspen and loves to tell people about it. Read the rest of this entry →

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03 2017

I’m With Stupid – March 3, 2017

MINCED MEAT STUFFED IN INTESTINES? YES, PLEASE!
by Todd Hartley

We’re going to talk a lot about sausages this week, gang, so if you’re a vegan like my next-door neighbor, you’re probably not going to be too happy. This is going to be carnivorous. This is going to be like my proposed album cover for “The Chickahominy Sessions,” with the band Sweet ‘n’ Meaty standing outside the Sausage Emporium about to dig into some spicy Italian link wedges with marinara and provolone.

But seriously, how much do people love sausage? It’s awesome. Look at just patties alone. I’m convinced the sausage McMuffin with egg and offering breakfast all day are the only reasons McDonald’s is still in business. And more people definitely associate James Dean with breakfast patties than whatever the heck the other guy was known for. Read the rest of this entry →

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03 2017


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