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I’m With Stupid – November 19, 2010

by Todd Hartley

Guys, just so you know, women think you’re stupid. That’s probably not news to most men, but for those of you who still harbored the delusion that you were the brighter sex, you can go ahead and disabuse yourself of that notion. You may discover the cure for cancer or build a colony on Mars someday, but in the eyes of a woman, you are still a helpless clod.

Oh, they may acknowledge that you’re a genius after the fact. I’m sure ladies appreciate that Albert Einstein was a reasonably intelligent man, but in his time, I can assure you he was graced with women who were amazed he managed to get up and put clothes on correctly each day. I can almost picture his wife yelling at him, “Hey, Einstein, you got your pants on backwards again.”

But here’s the sad thing, fellas: Women are right, at least on this subject. Men are great at building things and inventing stuff and killing stuff and pretending to know how to run things, but from day to day, we’re idiots. How else do you explain Hooters? Women aren’t dumb enough to put up with bad chicken wings and vacuous waitresses just so they can ogle big cleavage and bright orange wedgies.

I know a lot of men disagree with me and still believe the human male is an intelligent species in the eyes of the human female. To those men, I offer these three counter-arguments from the last couple of weeks alone:

Tuesday morning, a 67-year-old man in rural Wisconsin named Steven Cowan was arrested after an all-night standoff with a SWAT team that began as a result of him shooting his TV with a shotgun. Apparently Cowan became so enraged from watching Bristol Palin’s dance routine on “Dancing With the Stars” that he just couldn’t take it anymore and shot the TV while it was still on … in his living room.

According to his wife, who called police after fleeing the house, on Monday night Cowan got home from work, had a beer and settled in with her to watch the show. When Palin came on, he jumped up and started ranting about “the [bleep]ing politics.” He then stormed out of the living room, only to come back in a seething rage 20 minutes later with a shotgun, which he then fired at the offending TV.

The dumbest part of the whole thing is that Cowan, who has previously threatened to shoot one of the family cows, wasn’t upset by national politics or anything like that. He was just ticked off because he thinks Bristol Palin is a bad dancer and is only still alive on the show because Sarah Palin supporters have been stuffing the ballot box. You’d think a guy who kills his TV with a shotgun would be the biggest Palin fan of all, wouldn’t you? Go figure.

Speaking of doing stupid things in your living room, one week earlier a 33-year-old Pittsburgh man named Leonard Spagnolo was arrested for accidentally setting his house ablaze after he tried to burn some pictures of his ex-girlfriend. It seems Spagnolo got into a fight with his current girlfriend, and then, in what I can only guess was an ill-conceived attempt to show how much he loved her, he started a fire on the floor.

Fortunately for Spagnolo, the flames were contained to one room. Sadly for the gene pool at large, he managed not to kill himself in the blaze.

Spats with girlfriends were also at the heart of our final example, which took place last weekend in Los Angeles, where a 22-year-old man named Francisco Hernandez was arrested after allegedly trying to run down his ex-girlfriend with his car.

Hernandez asked the woman to marry him — even going so far as to write “Stacy Will You Marry Me” on the back window of the car he would later try to kill her with — but when she said no, he “drove onto the sidewalk, through bushes and into the restaurant parking lot, narrowly missing the woman.” You could maybe get away with that if you were 92 years old, but not 22.

Hernandez was spotted later walking down the street with a bouquet of flowers and was apprehended by police.

So let’s see, that’s young men and old men alike, from the Midwest, Rust Belt and Pacific Coast, with Anglo, Italiano and Latino last names, doing things that are undeniably moronic. Sorry, guys. The ladies have us dead to rights.

Todd Hartley once met a Hooters waitress in her civilian clothes. She was actually very bright and didn’t have a wedgie.

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11 2010

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