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I’m With Stupid – July 29, 2011

by Todd Hartley

Editor’s note: This column is solely the opinion of “I’m With Stupid” and does not necessarily represent the views of anyone else, even though it probably does. The following is an open letter to all congressmen, congresswomen, senators, senatrixes, cabinet members, Obama administration members, White House staffers and pretty much everyone else in Washington, D.C., who is even tangentially involved in the federal government.

Dear jackasses,

Today, as we stand on the verge of a debt-related crisis that could plunge our great nation – and, indeed, the world at large – ever deeper into financial chaos, there are a few important things for you all to know. A lot of people out there have been tap-dancing around this subject a bit the past few months, afraid to hurt your feelings, but we here at “I’m With Stupid” don’t like to mince words, so we’re going to come right out and say what we think the vast majority of Americans think about you.

You suck. All of you. You suck on ice. You suck so much that we’re having a really hard time coming up with something of equal suckiness to compare you two. Let us put it this way: you suck worse than onions, and if you knew anything about us and our hatred of said vegetable, you’d realize we just hit you with the worst insult we can possibly dream up.

We’re not saying you’re necessarily bad people. You may be, and probably are, kind, charitable, upstanding citizens in your private lives. You may be funny and full of interesting stories to tell. You may even be the kind of people we’d love to go get a beer with, but when it comes to doing what you were elected to do, you honestly couldn’t be doing a worse job.

May we remind you that you were voted into office to – as the Constitution says – “form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty,” not to act like a bunch of petty, spoiled children trying to score points for your stupid political parties at the expense of everyone else in America. I’m sure there are some out there who will stand by one party or the other come hell or high water, but the rest of us truly don’t give a flying crap.

You Republicans, with your mean-spirited hatred of anything resembling an entitlement program and your pathetic insistence on signing pledges like a bunch of high school sophomores trying out for the track team, you all suck. You do realize, don’t you, that you’ve been taking your marching orders from some guy named Grover. You know who takes their orders from Grover? Kids watching Sesame Street.

And you Democrats, with your coddling of welfare cases, your attempts to legislate how everyone should behave and your spineless inability to get anything accomplished even when you had majorities in both houses, you guys suck too. You’ve been so colossally worthless the last three years we may as well have elected jellyfish to do your jobs.

Trust us, people, if there were any way to get rid of all of you, on both sides of the aisle, to drive you all out of Washington and force you to take minimum-wage jobs at Wal-Mart and buy your own overpriced health insurance, we would relish the chance. That’s how much we can’t stand you. We would love to see you all gone and forgotten and replaced by independents who can think for themselves and put America’s prosperity ahead of their party’s.

We won’t claim to know anything about debt ceilings and defaulting on loans or anything like that, but we do know that people who know a lot more than us are concerned about what will happen if action isn’t taken by August 2. In fact, because you’ve stalled for so long, with your ridiculous political posturing, markets are already starting to tank, threatening America’s fragile economic recovery. Thanks for that, idiots.

Enough is enough, you tools. Grow the hell up, act like adults, get over yourselves and solve this freaking problem now. For once, stop thinking of yourselves as Republicans or Democrats, conservatives or liberals, and start thinking of yourselves as Americans who actually care about the fate of these United States. America deserves as much, and she certainly deserves better than the likes of you.

I’m With Stupid

Todd Hartley learned the preamble to the Constitution from “Schoolhouse Rock!” and assumes people in Washington must have missed that episode. 

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