SETTING MY OWN STUPID RECORD STRAIGHT
by Todd Hartley
I’ll admit it: I’ve got nothing this week. Not one measly original thought in my head. So in order to stretch this poor excuse for a column to 750 words, I’m going to follow up on some of my more recent diatribes, written back when my brain still occasionally functioned. Those of you who don’t regularly read “I’m With Stupid” may have a hard time following this, but that’s not really my problem, is it?
• Are you freaking kidding me? I go on a health-food cleanse for one week, and Hostess suddenly files for bankruptcy? Come on. Was I seriously the last person keeping the company afloat? I can’t be the only one in America who routinely eats eight or nine Twinkies for breakfast, can I?
You know, you’re not fooling anyone by squeezing yourself into a Spanx and pretending you’re still svelte, America. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re 3,000 miles across and only about 1,500 miles high. That’s right: twice as wide as you are tall. Deal with it.
Now, quit trying to pretend you’re Chile, manifest your unshapely destiny, start eating more Ding Dongs and save Hostess. Trust me, as I’ve learned over the last week and a half, you don’t want to live in a world with no snack cakes.
• As I mentioned back in December, I usually find it pretty hysterical when Southerners live up to their redneck stereotype, but there wasn’t anything particularly funny about the latest such episode, which took place courtesy of an ill-advised math assignment handed out at Beaver Ridge Elementary School in Norcross, Ga., last week.
Among the questions on the assignment were these little gems: “Each tree had 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?” and “If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?”
Really, Georgia? That’s what you want your elementary school students to learn? You’ve got some nerve. Who do you think you are, putting a question about oranges on your math assignments when everyone knows oranges come from Florida? Quit trying to ride your neighbors’ coattails. What’s next, a question about how the University of Georgia beat LSU in the most boring college football championship game ever played?
• Speaking of football, back in December I also wrote a column about Tim Tebow. Fortunately, I don’t think I was all that critical of the Broncos quarterback, saving most of my ire instead for Pat Robertson and Fox News columnist Jen Engel. I say “fortunately” because right now I’d be a little concerned about my prospects for salvation had I poked fun at Tebow himself.
After what happened last weekend in the Broncos overtime playoff victory against the Steelers, I think I can no longer discount the possibility that Tebow truly is divinely connected. Sure, given the defense Pittsburgh employed on the one play of overtime, I could have thrown an 80-yard touchdown pass, but who’s to say God didn’t cause the Steelers to position all their defenders within a yard of the line of scrimmage? He does work in mysterious ways, after all.
• Lastly, a couple of weeks ago, I attempted to point out the seeming ridiculousness of there being some 33,000 different Protestant denominations in the world. I know very little about religion, so I made the mistake of claiming that the Greek Orthodox and Armenian Apostolic churches were Protestant. I was informed, however, that I was way off the mark due to the fact that orthodox churches are decidedly not Protestant.
So, to follow up, I would just like to point out the absurdity of there being not only 33,000 different Protestant denominations, but also dozens of Orthodox denominations and a score of Catholic denominations that are separate from the Roman Catholic Church, for a grand total of some 33,820 Christian denominations around the world.
And yes, I realize I’m probably wrong about some part of that claim, as well. But like I said, I know very little about religion. Furthermore, lest you forget, the name of this column is “I’m With Stupid.” Some of you might take that to mean that I’m standing next to stupid, like someone wearing a T-shirt, but quite frequently it actually means that I’m “with stupid” the way a pregnant woman is said to be “with child.” That is to say, I’m afflicted with it. This week, in case you hadn’t gleaned, is a perfect example.
Todd “Ding Dong” Hartley categorically denies being the inspiration for said snack cake. It’s just a coincidence.