NOVEMBER OFFICIALLY DECLARED NATIONAL JACKASS MONTH
by Todd Hartley
(At this point, I imagine you’re assuming this is going to be a column about Donald Trump and Karl Rove, but that’s not the case. I mean, don’t get me wrong; Trump and Rove have certainly distinguished themselves in the annals of braying idiocy this November, but I’m talking about actual donkeys, not buffoonish publicity whores and shameless squanderers of other people’s fortunes.)
First, the figurative jackasses – er, donkeys – of the Democratic Party captured the national spotlight on election day with results that I’m sure even they were astounded by. Then, in one of the greatest displays of chutzpah you will ever see, Carlos Romero of Ocala, Fla., who was accused of having sex with his miniature donkey, demanded that the animal be given back to him.
“I want my donkey back,” said Romero. “I paid $500 for her.”
More recently, last week in Ecuador an invigorated throng of registered voters paraded through the streets of Guayaquil to demand that their chosen candidate be allowed to run for a seat on the national assembly.
And who was their candidate? That would be Mr. Donkey, a soft-spoken, thoughtful nominee who just so happens to be a burro. Alas, poor Mr. Donkey was denied his rightful opportunity by the discriminatory powers that be. Apparently, in Ecuador four-legged creatures aren’t allowed to run for elected office.
I have to say, however, that I think Ecuador’s policy is a load of crap. If you have any doubts about the ability of non-human mammals to govern effectively, might I direct your attention to the town of Guffey, Colo., whose last known mayor was a cat named Monster?
Elected as a joke in 1998, Monster soon proved his worth by balancing the town’s budget, securing federal funds to shore up Guffey’s deteriorating infrastructure, overseeing a 50 percent reduction in the local crime rate and, unsurprisingly, spearheading efforts to get residents to leash and pick up after their dogs.
Given that donkeys are far more intelligent than cats, according to a study I just made up, it stands to reason that Mr. Donkey could have been a worthy addition to Ecuador’s government. Hell, he even wore a tie during his visit to the electoral council offices. Right there, that makes him considerably classier than just about any American politician.
I believe the people of Ecuador are the real losers here. Mr. Donkey was probably just the sort of candidate they’ve been looking for. At the very least, he wouldn’t have made things worse. Think about it: If we can endure 435 hee-hawing jackasses in the U.S. House of Representatives and still be standing as a nation, surely there would be no harm in allowing one donkey to serve in Ecuador.
The Ocala case, admittedly, is a little trickier and brings up a number of troubling questions.
First of all, did Romero pay $500 for the donkey for the purpose of having sex with her? If so, does that mean inflation in Florida has gotten so bad that one can’t hire a decent prostitute for that kind of money?
Secondly, are miniature donkeys better in bed than regular ones? (I’ve often heard them referred to as the “spinners” of the equine world.)
Third, had Romero been a Republican, would he have tried to copulate with a pygmy elephant? Is such an act even possible?
Certainly, there’s nothing funny about a man forcing himself on an unwitting animal, but do we know for sure the donkey didn’t come on to Romero first? It’s entirely possible that he may have tried to fend off her advances, but she eventually wore him down. I think we all know how persuasive (not to mention alluring) female donkeys can be when they’re in the mood.
I was pondering these important questions just the other day when I visited a nature center in Connecticut with my wife and son. In one of the paddocks, there were two Sicilian donkeys, a rare but exceedingly attractive heritage breed known for eating square pizza and running barnyard protection rackets.
I can’t honestly say that the sight of the animals aroused me, but I’ve always been more of a llama man myself. If some other guy were to feel a stirring in his loins at the sight of the creatures, whom would I be to judge him?
And if he wanted to vote a donkey into office instead of some jackass, I’d probably agree.
Todd Hartley received an Oscar nomination for his role as Mule No. 1 in “Two Mules for Sister Sara.”