RESOLUTIONS THAT ARE SOMEWHAT LESS THAN RESOLUTE
by Todd Hartley
If you’re reading this, it’s most likely the first week of January. This means that I’ve probably already broken most of my new year’s resolutions, so for the purposes of this column, we won’t deal with such laughably implausible notions as flossing or doing pushups every day, both of which I swear to do each January and promptly never do.
Nor will we waste time discussing big-picture resolutions like my annual vows to be a better person and do my part to make the world a better place. I’d love to say that I will pursue such admirable goals in 2014, but past experience has shown that there is approximately zero chance of any significant self-improvement occurring at this point in my life.
I would imagine that those close to me have plenty of resolutions they’d love for me to make my own. Examples might include shaving more than once a week, buying my son more toys and candy, and not saying idiotic things to people before realizing that their breasts are fake. However, since I can’t say for certain if said resolutions exist, I shan’t talk about them, either.
What’s left are the true resolutions, the ones that have more than a snowball’s chance in hell of sticking. These are the ones I want to talk about. These are the ones I want to get down in print so that when I revisit them a year from now, I’ll at least be able to say I gave them the old college try. (Bear in mind that in college I was even less likely to keep resolutions than I am now.)
I’m not saying any of these things are going to happen; just know that these are the things I’m going to be working on in 2014.
• I’m going to do everything in my power to avoid plagiarizing myself like I did in last week’s column. That was pathetic. I’ll give myself a little slack because I wrote the words the first time three years and 156 columns ago, but it’s still pretty bad to be recycling the same old, stale jokes, and I hope never to do it again.
• I resolve to play more golf. This shouldn’t be too hard, as I played a mere seven rounds in 2013. I consider this one of the major failings of my year that was, and I am deeply ashamed of it.
• I will make a concerted effort in 2014 to pay as little attention as I can to politics. Both parties suck, and it makes no difference who’s in charge of which branch of government. In Washington, nothing ever changes and nothing worthwhile ever gets done, so what’s the point in giving a rat’s patootie about it? I might vote “none of the above” if I bother to vote at all this year.
• I’m going to open a restaurant where you drop off your car to get an oil change, and then you eat a traditional German meal while the car is getting serviced. I’ll call the place Lubenchow’s. Either that or I’ll open a chain of restaurants that serve exactly the same thing as every other chain restaurant in America. I’ll call the places Fried Crap and Ranch Dressing.
• I know I’ll never successfully eat better because meat, fat and sugar are delicious, but I will try to get more fruit in my diet in 2014. I can’t make a similar claim regarding vegetables because vegetables are what food eats, but most fruits taste good. There’s no reason I can’t fit more grapes into my diet. It’s not like they require a lot of effort to eat.
• There’s a chance that I may have some repressed-anger issues that are causing me back problems, so I resolve to do less repressing of my anger in 2014. One who isn’t with stupid could probably accomplish this by getting less angry about things, but sadly, I am with stupid and think things like bad drivers and imbecilic tattoos demand outrage on my part. Thus, rather than repressing my anger, I will give voice to it even more than I do now. I wouldn’t have thought that was possible, but apparently it’s not only possible but necessary.
I apologize in advance to anyone who has to put up with me and my ranting ways in 2014, but please understand, I’m only doing it for my health. I’ll try to shave more often to make up for it.
Todd “Too, Too Solid” Hartley often melts, thaws and resolves himself into a dew.