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I’m With Stupid – April 18, 2014

by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI was watching the Masters on TV last weekend, and I noticed for the umpteenth time that every ad during the telecast was for either a financial services company or a pill to make your wiener hard. Why is that? Is the public perception of golf fans seriously that they’re all rich but impotent?

I find that pretty funny because I love golf and I’m neither of those things, although having been poor my entire adult life, I would happily take a penis pill for the money.

I guess that’s just the stereotype of golfers, though, isn’t it? They’re all rich, old men. That’s not too bad, I suppose. There are definitely worse things you could be stereotyped as.

Take, for example, the comedy channels on satellite radio, of which I am also a big fan. Every ad on those channels has always been for either an online sex-toy shop, a pill to “naturally enhance” your wiener or a company that offers debt relief. Apparently, if you like comedy, you’re a poorly endowed pervert who can’t pay his bills. That’s not so good. Maybe you should take up golf instead.

Recently, a new ad has found its way onto the comedy channels, and this one is the most offensive of all because it doesn’t just make comedy fans look stupid; it makes the entire male gender look stupid.

The ad is for something called Sport Clips. It starts off sounding like sports-talk radio, and then the manly voice-over says something like “Sport Clips, home of the original MVP haircut experience: Where guys can get a great haircut while watching sports on TV.”

Because everyone knows that guys can’t go 15 minutes without watching sports. They’re guys. That’s what guys do. They watch sports while getting their hair cut.

It’s such a bizarre concept that — considering the ad runs on the comedy channels — I had to look it up to see if Sport Clips was a joke. It’s not. It’s got a website with pictures of a smiling dad high-fiving his kid and a quintet of attractive young ladies brandishing scissors, making the place look something like a Hooters for your hair.

According to Wikipedia, there are more than 1,000 Sport Clips franchises in the United States. One thousand! Do you know what that means? That means that we men are every bit as stupid as they think we are.

I mentioned the ad to my wife, and she got a pained expression on her face and said, “Why don’t they just give you a bucket of fried chicken to eat while you’re getting your hair cut, too?” (Well played, honey. Well played.)

Then a thought occurred to her, and she said, “Actually, they should give you Domino’s new thing. It’s a pizza with a crust made of fried chicken. You’d like that.”

I didn’t really appreciate my wife stereotyping me as the kind of glutton who makes up the fried-chicken pizza’s target audience, but she was right: I probably would like that. It’s a perfect application of my rule that three yummy things in the name (fried, chicken and pizza) equal an explosion of deliciousness in the mouth.

Drooling in anticipation as I might have been, though, I still thought the idea of a fried-chicken pizza sounded a little far-fetched, so I looked it up on the Internet to see if it was true. Sadly, I found a story with the headline: “Sorry, Domino’s Is Not Serving a Fried Chicken Pizza Crust.”

So it wasn’t a real thing, but do you know what that headline means? That means that people — lots of people — must have thought it was real. And do you know why people thought it was real? Because we men are indeed the bumbling, fat, sports and fried-food-obsessed morons that we’re portrayed as.

You know what’s coming next, don’t you? Now that people’s curiosity has been piqued, you know that Domino’s will be coming out with a fried chicken pizza crust any day now. It’s virtually inevitable.

If they’re wise, Domino’s execs will strike a deal with Sport Clips to cross-promote both inane products. Obviously guys will want to eat fried-chicken-crust pizza while they get their hair cut while watching sports on TV. Any guy who wouldn’t want that is gay.

In all seriousness, guys, don’t be that stereotype. Don’t drag the male species further down into patheticness. Let’s win our dignity back — unless, of course, we actually do get a fried-chicken-crust pizza out of the deal. Because that would rule.

Todd Hartley used to like golf and comedy, but he couldn’t bear the stigma.

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