THE MANCHURIAN TRUMPIDATE AND HIS BIG HAIR SECRET
by Todd Hartley
I have to admit, I haven’t watched any of the Republican presidential debates yet, I don’t follow the polls and I’ve never visited any of the candidates’ websites to learn their positions on the issues, so I honestly don’t know much about what’s going on with the upcoming primaries. I heard some real estate developer and reality-TV star was leading the pack, but that sounded like a joke to me.
Given my lack of knowledge about all that, I hope you’ll forgive me when I ask: Who is this Donald Trump fellow with the wacky hair whose name and face I can’t seem to avoid even when I’m doing everything I can to avoid them?
I kid, I kid. I know exactly who Donald Trump is — or do I?
The truth is, I’m starting to wonder if we haven’t been getting hoodwinked all this time, and I think that’s the real question that needs to be asked: How well do we really know Trump, America?
I mean, sure, we’re all aware of his privileged upbringing and the business he inherited from his father that he’s bankrupted four times now. And we know about the golf courses, casinos and buildings and the massive ego that insists on calling each one “Trump.” And we know about the TV show that was mostly a red-faced megalomaniac spitting the words “You’re fired!” at people no one remembers. But what was Trump doing in his quiet time, when people weren’t watching him?
I think I know the answer. I’m willing to bet that when Trump kicked off the shoes and hit the couch alone he just watched “Brewster’s Millions” over and over again, trying to figure out how he, like Richard Pryor in the film, could spend boatloads of money and sabotage the electoral process — well, sabotage one political party, at least.
Think about it: If you were super-rich and you wanted to sink the Republican Party and ensure that the White House would stay Democratic and that the House and Senate would skew far bluer than they are now, what better roadmap could there be than the one Trump is following?
First, you spout bombastic, provocative, ignorant inanities and untruths to rile up the basest of the Republican base and shout down the supposedly serious candidates. Then you offend everyone you possibly can to keep the media constantly prattling on about you and you alone, and then you say things so outrageously un-American and racist that it exposes the ugly underbelly of the party’s far right when people actually agree with you.
You propose impossible budgets and fences that you want to force people to build. You champion a “bomb everyone” approach to foreign policy. You alienate everyone who isn’t white or male, and yet somehow, despite all that, you still lead in the polls and actually win the party’s nomination, at which point the rest of the country wakes up to the threat you and your professed ideology pose, and Republicans are defeated en masse on Election Day just because people are so terrified of you.
It’s brilliant, really, and I believe it leads to the inescapable conclusion that Trump is secretly a Democrat. Nothing else could explain his actions.
It’s kind of funny because I’ve always thought the same thing about seemingly ultra-conservative columnist and agent provocateur Ann Coulter. Pretty much every time she writes something or appears on Fox News, she makes conservatives and Republicans look bad. She is, without a doubt in my mind, a net negative for the right wing, just like Trump.
It’s easy to write off Coulter’s actions as those of a fading pseudo-celebrity who will say anything she has to to get herself back in the spotlight, but the things she says are often so stupid that it seems she must be trying to tarnish conservatives’ image. I think she’s got to be a secret Democrat, too.
Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen Trump and Coulter together in the same room, and when I did an Internet search, I couldn’t find a single picture of them together.
So what am I implying? Are they the same person? Well, I’m not going to come right out and say as much, but let’s put it this way: I think we should ask Trump to do an appearance free of hair mousse to see if that coif of his isn’t just blond tresses all piled up in a bouffant and sprayed orange to match his face.
Todd Hartley is secretly more smarterer than he is. He just acts with stupid.