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I’m With Stupid – March 18, 2016

by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYou may not know this, but there was an incident recently at Farmingdale State College on Long Island in which the entire school went into lockdown because someone thought they saw a person assembling a rifle. It turned out it wasn’t a rifle; it was a lightsaber. When they realized that, the cops went away and the college returned to normal.

This just shows how ridiculous security measures have become in this country. They locked down an entire college because someone thought a lightsaber was a gun. And then, when the cops and campus security found out it wasn’t a gun, they acted like it was no big deal.

Hello? There’s a dude with a lightsaber at your campus! Why are you no longer concerned?

Seriously, what’s the best-case scenario? If he’s a Jedi, maybe he won’t use the lightsaber to start hacking people up, but I would think you’d still be interested in the fact that there’s an alien on your campus. Plus, why would a Jedi suddenly appear in your midst? Most likely because you’re about to be attacked by a bunch of evil aliens. Good luck with that.

But let’s face it: If you were a Jedi, and you were going to all the trouble of learning the English language and American cultural ways and traveling across the galaxy to attend college on Long Island, you could get into a better school than Farmingdale State.

No, I’m pretty sure that dude on campus with the lightsaber is not a Jedi. Maybe at Stony Brook or Hofstra, but certainly not in Farmingdale. So that means the guy is probably a Sith lord of some kind. That’s really, really bad, too.

If you’re not familiar with “Star Wars” mythology, the Sith is an evil organization led by those who, according to Wikipedia, “seize power through force or cunning” and “are frequently depicted as amoral, sadistic and violent.”

So that’s who was on campus with a lightsaber: an amoral, sadistic, violent alien. And the Farmingdale cops just let him walk away. Now, obviously, he’s off in some dorm room plotting how to sway Farmingdale State’s students to the dark side and turn the college into a stormtrooper training center.

Think about that. Imagine what a stormtrooper training center would be like. The classrooms would be used to brainwash kids’ minds with evil Empire propaganda. There would be former students in gleaming white combat armor marching on the quad. And then, of course, there would have to be a laser gun range where everyone practiced not shooting their targets. It would be awful.

So for campus security and the Farmingdale police, the big question now is: What are you going to do about this? You know that there is a Sith lord on your campus plotting evil doings even as we speak. How are you going to handle this situation?

Sure, everything seems fine at the moment, but the dark side is like a weed. Once it’s taken root, it may be impossible to eradicate. The longer you let it fester, the more powerful it becomes. You need to uproot that stuff right away.

If you can remember which student it was, you could try busting into his room while he’s sleeping and killing him immediately, but that could be tough. Sith lords are usually pretty light sleepers. He’ll probably be up and waiting for you with his lightsaber activated when you come through the door. Then you’re screwed. I suppose you could shoot at him, but how’s that going to go? He’s got a lightsaber and the dark side of the Force. You think he can’t deflect your bullets? Please.

No, I think risking a direct confrontation at this point could be problematic. You’ll need to turn to more subtle measures. That means you need to recruit a Jedi and hope he or she enrolls at Farmingdale State. That might not work, for reasons we discussed before.

You’re going to need to find a Jedi from a poor planet who needs a scholarship. Even then, I’d aim low – we’re talking a C-minus student in Jedi high school at best. And once you get the Jedi on campus, I suggest cordoning off the area where the Jedi and the Sith lord are going to duel.

And this time, for God’s sake, don’t remove the lockdown until all the lightsabers are back in a galaxy far, far away, where they belong.

Todd “Darth” Hartley lost his right hand in a lightsaber duel in Cloud City.

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