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I’m With Stupid – April 8, 2016

by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI know it’s April right now, but we need to talk about Thanksgiving. Specifically, we need to talk about whether we’re going to be having turkey or whether turkeys are going to be having us. Well, maybe not you lean, stringy types, but we well-marbled folks, for sure.

You might think I’m kidding, but I assure you the threat is real. The rebellion has begun. Witness these words from one terrified Teaneck, New Jersey, mother: “I grabbed the kids, and we literally ran for our lives because we were so scared.”

And what were she and her kids so scared of? A wild turkey that had brazenly crashed right through their window, covering them in broken glass and flinging mud everywhere from its wings. They were literally running for their lives. That means that the turkey broke into their home with the intention of murdering them.

It might be easy to dismiss this incident if it were a one-off. It could be that maybe that particular turkey had a legitimate gripe with the woman. Maybe the woman ate the turkey’s brother last Thanksgiving or something. But that’s not the case. Apparently the turkey that smashed through the window was just part of a mob that has taken over Teaneck.

“They’re like gangster turkeys,” the victim of the attack said. “They terrorize kids at bus stops and chase people to their cars.”

The turkeys’ aggressive behavior follows a pattern that is common during mating season, according to health officer Ken Katter of New Jersey Fish and Wildlife.

Typically around this time of year, male turkeys in New Jersey will start to don tank tops and slick back their head feathers to try to impress female New Jersey turkeys. This has the effect of making all the male turkeys produce hormones that make them act tougher than they really are.

In this manner, drunk on their own testosterone, the toms begin wandering around in packs, shaking down kids for their lunch money and pulling scams on senior citizens. If the pattern holds true, we can expect Teaneck’s turkey gang to be running prostitution and “protection” schemes soon. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they’ll also control most of the drug trade in northern New Jersey.

So what can be done to stop this menace?

Well, in Teaneck the cops initially told people to avoid confrontations with turkeys and to walk with large dogs for their own safety — sort of conceding victory to the turkeys, in a way. When this failed to deter the gangs, officials in Teaneck tried to fight fire with fire. Using techniques learned from the local mafia, the town arranged for a couple of frozen Butterballs to be placed in the head turkey’s bed as a warning, and one prominent turkey’s plucked feathers were sent to the others wrapped in a newspaper with a smelly fish.

All that, however, merely served to anger the head turkey, the one they call Cyrus, who responded by kidnapping the mayor’s daughter. The girl was returned alive, thankfully, but missing her forearms and with a note pinned to her that read, “We’re having wings tonight! Ha ha!”

Not so lucky was a local plumber who accidentally hit a turkey with his truck. He was found frozen, shaved of all hair, with his giblets removed, placed in a paper sack and stuffed back into his abdominal cavity. No arrests have been made in connection to the murder, but police have been talking to turkeys of interest.

Recent efforts to deal with the scourge have focused on trying to trap the turkeys and relocate them, but that doesn’t seem like much of a solution. That would just be transferring the problem to some other unfortunate town and forcing it to deal with a bunch of potentially deadly wild birds. No, Teaneck; I think you’re going to need to fight this battle on your own.

With prompt action and a little bit of luck, hopefully we can contain this problem to New Jersey. Fortunately, turkeys don’t watch much TV or surf the Internet, and they aren’t big readers, so there’s a chance turkeys in other states won’t hear about this and realize that they can rise up, too.

I’m not willing to take that chance, though. I say we need to be proactive. We need to take the fight to the turkeys and get them before they get us.

I’m doing my part by going out and getting a turkey sandwich right now.

Todd Hartley calls it a turkey wedge, but you’d probably call it a sub, grinder, hoagie or hero.

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04 2016

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