GETTING EXACTLY THE POLITICIANS WE IDIOTS DESERVE
by Todd Hartley
Really, Republicans and Democrats? This is the election you’re going to give us? Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump? The very embodiment of corporate-driven politics as usual versus Donald freaking Trump? How the hell did you let this happen? How did you asses and elephants rig the system so completely that this is what we’re stuck with?
I’d implore you to stop this nonsense before it’s too late, but I fear it’s already too late, as more and more of your Republican so-called leaders are giving Trump their seal of approval every day.
I’m not making that up, by the way, in case you don’t read the news. Important Republican senators and congresspeople, like Paul Ryan and the Kentucky guy who looks like a turtle, really are endorsing Trump for president of the United States of America.
Let that sink in for a second.
On the Democratic side, you have to love Bernie Sanders, but if he honestly thinks he can stop the Clinton machine at this point, he’s a little too delusional to serve as commander in chief, anyway. That’s been a done deal in the eyes of the media for about two years now. Bernie never had a chance.
So it’s “I’m With Her” or “Make America Great Again.” If you go strictly on slogans, I think Clinton wins, hands-down. “I’m With Her” isn’t great, but it’s at least overtly feminist, and it should be. Women outnumber men in America, and this country is overdue for a woman president. I just don’t think it should be Clinton.
“Make America Great Again” is awful. Is Trump trying to tell us that America isn’t great now? How dare he? America is the greatest nation on Earth. Just because it’s not the white-bread, Ozzie-and-Harriet country Trump thinks he remembers doesn’t mean it’s not great. There’s nothing wrong with America, although if Trump gets his hands on things, who knows?
No, the problem isn’t America; the problem — and Trump is the primary symptom — is Americans. All of us. Every last one of us. We all need a swift kick in the ass. In fact, if Trump were running with a slogan of “Make Americans Great Again,” I might even consider voting for him.
We’ve become a nation of over-coddled, hypersensitive, self-entitled, voyeuristic, fat doofuses. And the worst part is that we’ve made enabling stupidity and obesity a legal requirement. Rather than helping people keep up and insisting that they do, we have to dumb everything down so we don’t hurt idiots’ feelings.
Here’s an example: I used to work with an editor who would get very upset if I used the word “occur” instead of “happen.” It seems trifling, but I don’t blame her for it. She was required to worry about it. I was writing articles for a health website and there’s apparently some stipulation in Obamacare that says everything has to be written at a second-grade reading level so morons won’t get confused, or something like that.
So, even though the person reading the article would have to be on a computer or similar device and could look up the definition of the word “occur” in about five seconds, we make it a law that you have to cater to their limited vocabulary rather than encouraging them to learn something new.
According to the media, if you’re an average American, you’re something like 80 pounds overweight, you’re stupider than your counterparts in every country outside the Middle East and you’re obsessed with the Kardashians.
But guess what — there’s no law that says you have to be any of those things. That’s one of the great things about America that Trump forgets: Here, you can be as fit and intelligent as you want to be. And you can make your life interesting enough that you won’t have to live vicariously through reality TV. No one’s going to stop you.
Sadly, however, you won’t be able to rid yourself of the Kardashians until everyone stops trying to keep up with them. They’re kind of like the mumps. Most of us can be smart about it and inoculate ourselves against them, but as long as there are imbeciles out there who insist on leaving themselves open to Kardashian infection, we’ll never truly be rid of the bacteria.
Call me optimistic, but I think we can get to a Kardashian-free world some day. I really do. Besides, now that we’ve hit rock bottom with Clinton vs. Trump, there’s nowhere to go but up, right?
Todd freaking Hartley isn’t sure what his point was, but he stands by it anyway.