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I’m With Stupid – December 30, 2016

ALIENS COULD BE PREPARING TO INVADE YOUR TOWN
by Todd Hartley

Get your guns and canned goods and get ready to hunker down, folks. The fit is about to hit the shan. The alien invasion is on. If you have an underground bunker in which to hide out, I recommend going there and staying there now. But don’t trust me; trust none other than the New York Post. Witness this headline from Dec. 27, 2016: “Scientists say radio signals from deep space could be aliens.”

You see what I’m saying? It’s about to get real. Somebody get Jodie Foster and tell her that her dad wants to talk to her. We may have just made contact.

The Post story begins with the line, “Scientists may have found proof that E.T. really is phoning home,” which seems like a cute opening, but if you think about it, unless there’s an Earth astronaut who somehow made it 3 billion light years away to somewhere in the vicinity of the constellation Auriga, it’s pretty dumb.

Anyway, the story was based on an article published Dec. 16, in the Astrophysical Journal titled, “The Repeating Fast Radio Burst FRB 121102: Multi-Wavelength Observations and Additional Bursts.” The article was written by a team of scientists from esteemed astronomy institutes and university programs throughout the world.

According to Wikipedia, a fast radio burst, or FRB, is “a high-energy astrophysical phenomenon manifested as a transient radio pulse lasting only a few milliseconds.” Since 2007, astronomers have detected 34 FRBs. Seventeen of those were from one-time-only sources within our galaxy. The other 17 have all come from the subject of the article, an extra-galactic source known as FRB 121102.

First reported on in March 2016, FRB 121102 was responsible for 10 bursts in May and June of 2015, and when scientists went back and analyzed old data, they found another burst from 2012. The journal article chronicled six new bursts since March. Five were detected by West Virginia’s Green Bank Telescope, and one was detected by the Arecibo Observatory in Puerto Rico.

So what does it all mean? It means that 17 times, across two different frequencies and showing no discernible pattern, the same exact point in space has produced incredibly powerful bursts of radio waves that lasted just millionths of a second. The bursts in question are likely billions of years old, and scientists postulate that they could have been produced by an object such as a young neutron star.

So what does that all mean to the New York Post? It could be coming from aliens! Not only that, but back in October, to tout a story about “strange signals emanating from a cluster of stars,” the Post led off with the headline, “Scientists say weird signals from space are ‘probably’ aliens.”

Now, I know a lot of people are up in arms these days about fake news, but I think this sort of thing — this unverifiable-and-thus-not-quite-fake news — is almost as big of a problem. I feel like I’m seeing it more and more when it comes to science news, and it’s not just outlets like the New York Post; it’s everyone. Conjecture is being reported on in such a way that people are encouraged to view it as fact, when it is decidedly not.

Could aliens have caused the bursts detected by FRB 121102 and the strange signals from the star cluster? Yes. Technically they could have. Chances are they didn’t, but in both of the Post stories, you’d have to read all the way down to the seventh paragraph to learn that. Read any less than that and you could be forgiven for assuming we had proof of alien intelligence.

Given everyone’s short attention spans, this practice of burying the real truth until deep in a story is a real problem that is virtually guaranteed to give people the wrong idea and make them do dumb things. In fact, I’ll wager some of you just fled to your bunkers after seeing my first paragraph and aren’t even reading this right now.

What really irks me, though, is that in all the hoopla of misleading the public into thinking we’ve found proof of alien life, the Post has completely overlooked the real story. What people really need to know about this whole affair is that, according to sources in the Democratic Party, the bursts from FRB 121102 were purposely intended to interfere with our election and are actually the only reason that Donald Trump won.

Todd Hartley could be descended from European royalty, so make sure to genuflect when you address him.

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