GET READY FOR ELVIS’S SECOND BIG COMEBACK SPECIAL
by Todd Hartley
I was never that big of an Elvis Presley guy. I was only 7 when he died, and I wasn’t really a fan of his music, so I never understood all the “King of Rock ‘n’ Roll” hype. By the time I was a teen in the ’80s, everything about Elvis, from his lyrics to his pelvis, seemed utterly tame, and he was never much more than an afterthought for me.
So, if you happen to be an Elvis fan — especially if you’re one who thinks the King is still alive — know that what I’m about to tell you is coming from a place of true skepticism. You can trust me 100 percent because I don’t have a stake in any of this.
That being said, you might want to sit down. I have some amazing news for you: You’re right. Elvis is still alive, and apparently he’s Santa Claus.
I’ll give you a second to catch your breath. I know this is all a bit much.
All good? Great. Let’s move on.
The proof of Presley’s continued existence, according to some of his more fervent conspiracy theorists, came just a couple of weeks ago, on Jan. 8, Elvis’ 82nd birthday. Among the visitors to Graceland that day was a portly older gentleman with a bushy, white beard. A picture shows him wearing sunglasses, a black cap with a gold lightning-bolt logo and a black jacket with a different gold logo at the left breast.
What’s peculiar about the photo, however, is that behind the man there are two men wearing matching black jackets bearing a third gold logo. Both men also have black knit caps on their heads, and one appears to be wearing headphones. They’re also both young and black, so, let’s be honest, they’re probably not huge Elvis fans.
So if they’re not fans, why were they at Graceland on Elvis’s birthday? Well, if you believe the conspiracy theorists, it’s because they were the security detail for the man with the beard, and the man with the beard was none other than Elvis himself.
What more proof that he’s still alive could you want? It’s indisputable. Unless that guy was a mall Santa who was blowing all his Christmas earnings to act like a big shot at Graceland, which seems highly unlikely, there’s no other possible explanation. That was the King, plain and simple. He was touring his old home to celebrate his birthday. Nothing could be more obvious or logical.
Ironically, now that they’ve proved Elvis is still around, the Elvis conspiracy theorists will find themselves without a hobby. What will they do with their lives now? I hope they go align themselves with the as-yet-unsuccessful Sasquatch hunters. Those clowns could use all the help they can get.
As for Elvis, one can’t help but wonder what his next move will be, too. Now that his cover is blown, will he step back into the public spotlight? He had his first big comeback in 1968, at the ripe old age of 33. Is he ready for another one now?
He looked great for being 82 years old, meaning he may still be able to sing a little. And while there would be considerably more jiggle in his famous hips these days, he could probably still squeeze out a few pelvic gyrations to make the old ladies swoon.
Aw, who am I kidding? The general public will never accept the photo as proof that Elvis is still alive. Those conspiracy theorists can keep their hobby for now, but, sadly, at some point, they’ll be forced to face reality.
Unlike the Bigfoot and Nessie hunters, who are searching for things that never were and thus can continue searching for them forever, the Elvis adherents are looking for someone who actually existed. Unfortunately for them, humans have expiration dates. Even if Elvis didn’t die of drugs and booze in his bathroom back in 1977, natural causes are going to do him in sooner or later.
At what point do you call off the hunt? Elvis wasn’t a very healthy guy way back when, but maybe 40 years of clean living has him set for a long life. So do you give it 18 more years and call it a century, or do you assume Elvis is immortal and keep on looking forever?
Oddly enough, something tells me that more than a few folks are going to choose the latter. It’s more fun than the truth.
Todd Hartley ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog, cryin’ all the time. He ain’t never caught a rabbit.