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I feel the Earth move under your bare feet

There was a pretty intense thunderstorm that rolled through my hometown Wednesday night, with high winds and lots of rain, and I’m pretty sure I know what caused it: Earlier that day, at a local park, I saw a girl of perhaps 2 years old walking around with no top on. It was only for a minute or so, while her mother dug out a new shirt for her to wear, but it was enough.

What? You think that sounds ludicrous? You think maybe I’ve taken leave of my senses? Well, that’s where you’re wrong, Jack. Scantily dressed women are the cause of natural disasters. The only reason my town wasn’t decimated by a tornado was because the topless woman in question wasn’t 19.

The funny thing is, I didn’t even know what a danger provocatively dressed females posed until a few days ago. I mean, I knew they were a threat to men driving cars, riding bikes and doing other things where getting distracted could cause an accident, but I had no idea how hazardous such women really were until my eyes were opened by an Iranian cleric named Hojatoleslam Kazim Sadeghi.

In a video posted earlier this week on YouTube, Sadeghi says that women and girls who “don’t dress appropriately” spread “promiscuity in society,” which in turn leads to natural disasters, or at least earthquakes.

“When promiscuity spreads, earthquakes increase,” says Sadeghi, who was appointed last year to the very influential position of substitute Friday prayer leader in Tehran by Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei himself.

It’s hard to argue with Sadeghi’s logic. Think about it: Where can you find lots of beaches with women prancing about in bikinis? California. Where can you find lots of earthquakes? California. I rest my case.

Sure, there are also lots of bikini-clad women in Florida, which hasn’t had a major earthquake since shortly after the Big Bang, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Miami is leveled by a monster tremor. And if the cause-and-effect relationship does indeed lead to other disasters besides earthquakes, you can rest assured a tsunami is bearing down on South Beach at this very moment.

Sadeghi, who I assume was using his video to decry the West’s lack of morals, failed to explain why the Iranian city of Bam was destroyed by an earthquake in 2003 that killed a reported 26,271 people, but I did a little research into the subject and came up with some startling facts.

It turns out that the day before the earthquake was “Naked Chicks Day” in Bam, and all that city’s women were allowed to shed their burqas for a few hours. Needless to say, similar celebrations of female nudity have since been canceled throughout the Muslim world.

So now that we know what a threat provocatively dressed women present, what can we do to protect ourselves? According to Sadeghi, “There is no way other than taking refuge in religion and adapting ourselves to Islamic behavior.” There you have it. I suggest you all start carrying burqas around with you at all times, and if you see a woman displaying any skin whatsoever, immediately drape a burqa over her before it’s too late.

Now, I realize a lot of you are likely still not convinced. You’re probably saying to yourselves, “What kind of nut job could possibly equate human behavior with earthquakes?” As luck would have, I have an answer for you: Pat Robertson, the highly influential American televangelist.

As you may recall, in the wake of the devastating earthquake that struck Haiti in January, Robertson, like a good Christian should, offered his sympathies to that nation’s people by stating that the earthquake was a result of a pact Haitians made with the devil to throw off French rule back in the 18th century. I’m sure his words provided much solace to families who lost loved ones in the destruction.

In any event, that, to me, is irrefutable proof that human behavior can lead directly to earthquakes and possibly other natural — or not so natural, as it turns out — catastrophes. Obviously, a televangelist would never lie to us, so if Pat Robertson says that’s why Haiti was hit with an earthquake, you can take it as the gospel truth.

And as for the topless tot and her mother who wreaked so much devastation in my neighborhood, I certainly hope they learned their lesson. They can come clean up the branches that fell in my yard any time now.

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Todd Hartley

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04 2010

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