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I’m With Stupid – February 24, 2017

THWARTING THE OLD “SHIPPING CHARGES UPFRONT” SCAM
by Todd Hartley

As penance for being a little mean-spirited and partisan of late, this week I’m going to use this space for an important public service announcement — by which I mean I’m going to tell you the tale of how someone tried to recently scam me.

Most of you won’t remember me talking about this, but I have a Mercedes that I need to sell (Great deal! Act now!). We have two other cars, so the Mercedes has mostly just been sitting around. Well, I finally got off my duff and cleaned it up and listed it for sale on The Aspen Times online classifieds. Me being me, naturally, I had to try the free route before spending anything. Read the rest of this entry →

24

02 2017

I’m With Stupid – February 17, 2017

LAUGH AND THE WORLD LAUGHS AT YOU
by Todd Hartley

At the urging of my mother, who responded to last week’s column with, “I liked it better when you were less political and more funny,” I’m going to try to avoid talking about politics this week, and I will try to be funnier. That could be hard, though, because A) I can’t get any funnier, and B) right now, politics is what’s funny.

Oh, I know I should be concerned and all that. I know I’m supposed to be worried about the direction our country is headed and blah, blah, blah, but I just can’t help but find all of this a little hysterical. Maybe I’m laughing to keep from crying, or maybe I’ve gone off the deep end, but this stuff is really funny to me. Read the rest of this entry →

17

02 2017

I’m With Stupid – February 10, 2017

ONE OF MY STATE’S SENATORS ISN’T GOOD AT SENATING
by Todd Hartley

We just got an abject, though illuminating, lesson in party politics here in Colorado courtesy of our two U.S. senators, Cory Gardner and Michael Bennet, with regards to the Senate confirmation of Michigan billionaire Betsy DeVos as secretary of education.

I mean, I guess everyone in America got the lesson, seeing as how the Senate split 50-50, with 50 Republican senators voting in favor of confirming DeVos, and all 48 Democrats and two Republicans, both women, voting against it. But I think the party divide was more amplified here in the Rocky Mountain State. Read the rest of this entry →

10

02 2017

I’m With Stupid – February 3, 2017

PERSONAL DISPUTES WE SHOULD CARE NOTHING ABOUT
by Todd Hartley

For the most part, in penning this column each week, I try not to write about local issues. The title is “I’m With Stupid,” after all, so I don’t want anyone I know to feel guilty by association should their name or cause appear in some rant of mine. This week, however, the real world intruded upon Aspen’s little bubble of unreality, so the topic of discussion will concern a business about a block from the center of downtown.

For those unfamiliar with the story, here’s what happened: A woman brought some memorabilia from Donald Trump’s inauguration to Suitable for Framing to have the stuff framed and the owner said she couldn’t fulfill the woman’s request. This much everyone agrees upon. What happened next is unclear. Read the rest of this entry →

03

02 2017

I’m With Stupid – January 27, 1017

FUN WORKOUTS TO HONE YOUR ABS AND ELBOWS
by Todd Hartley

Most of you probably don’t remember, but back before the holidays I wrote a column about how I was going to eat better and do the 30-day burpee challenge so as not to enter 2017 as the fattest version of myself. Even fewer of you may have given a crap about the results, and to those folks I apologize for never giving an update on how things went.

They went reasonably poorly, if you must know, which is part of the reason why I haven’t mentioned anything about it. I didn’t eat particularly well, which is to say that I didn’t change my eating habits, which is to say that I ate like a pig. And I only made it to 65 burpees on day 19, well short of the 100 I was hoping to do on day 30. Read the rest of this entry →

27

01 2017

I’m With Stupid – January 20, 2017

GET READY FOR ELVIS’S SECOND BIG COMEBACK SPECIAL
by Todd Hartley

I was never that big of an Elvis Presley guy. I was only 7 when he died, and I wasn’t really a fan of his music, so I never understood all the “King of Rock ‘n’ Roll” hype. By the time I was a teen in the ’80s, everything about Elvis, from his lyrics to his pelvis, seemed utterly tame, and he was never much more than an afterthought for me.

So, if you happen to be an Elvis fan — especially if you’re one who thinks the King is still alive — know that what I’m about to tell you is coming from a place of true skepticism. You can trust me 100 percent because I don’t have a stake in any of this. Read the rest of this entry →

20

01 2017

I’m With Stupid – January 13, 2017

GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT, DOCTOR. I CAN TAKE IT
by Todd Hartley

Some of you may remember that a couple of weeks ago I went on a rant about how news outlets are constantly reporting conjecture as fact to rile up their bases and increase sales. In that particular case, it was the New York Post basically insinuating that we’ve made contact with aliens, but the problem is rampant media-wide and contributes mightily to the astounding level of stupid in America today.

Here’s the way I see it: If you routinely fall for fake news and start sharing it around on social media and referring to it in your conversations, then you were probably afflicted with stupid to begin with. No amount of real journalism was going to save you. Read the rest of this entry →

13

01 2017

I’m With Stupid – January 6, 2017

AVOWED DOG PERSON EULOGIZES FELINE FRENEMY
by Todd Hartley

Before we get to the sappy part of this column, I want to explain a few things having to do with my relationship with poetry and cats. I feel a deeper understanding of both subjects will make it easier for you to forgive me for the sappy part when we finally get there.

First of all, I am not a poet. I’m more of a sonneteer. To me, a poet is someone who gets up in front of six people in a coffee house and recites some gobbledygook about their feelings, and that’s so not me. That sort of brutally honest, stream-of-consciousness stuff is beyond my capability. That’s why I work almost exclusively in sonnets. Read the rest of this entry →

06

01 2017

I’m With Stupid – December 30, 2016

ALIENS COULD BE PREPARING TO INVADE YOUR TOWN
by Todd Hartley

Get your guns and canned goods and get ready to hunker down, folks. The fit is about to hit the shan. The alien invasion is on. If you have an underground bunker in which to hide out, I recommend going there and staying there now. But don’t trust me; trust none other than the New York Post. Witness this headline from Dec. 27, 2016: “Scientists say radio signals from deep space could be aliens.”

You see what I’m saying? It’s about to get real. Somebody get Jodie Foster and tell her that her dad wants to talk to her. We may have just made contact. Read the rest of this entry →

30

12 2016

I’m With Stupid – December 23, 2016

HOW THE TRUMP STOLE CHRISTMAS
by Todd Hartley

Every Who in Creation had been dreading Xmas
From Lapps in reindeer land to mothers in Texmas
The crass commercialism! The prices of gifts!
The torture of airports and crowded ski lifts!
Whatever their reasons, they’d had quite enough
And between 60 zillion they raised such a huff
That it built up as vapor, a voluminous cloud
Of everyone’s issues, the whole madding crowd
And that cloud headed northward past Juneau and Nome
To out where the musk ox and caribou roam Read the rest of this entry →

23

12 2016


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