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I’m With Stupid – December 16, 2016

YOU SUCK, BUT THE LOVE GROUP LOVES YOU ANYWAY
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThere’s nothing worse about Donald Trump, I feel, than his penchant for lashing out at people with his tweets. It’s so pathetic. Seriously, did we elect a mean girl for president? All hail the cyberbully-in-chief.

Bad as that is, though, what’s much, much worse is how Trump supporters, or people pretending to be Trump supporters, then attack those people online and over the phone and threaten to rape them or kill their families. If you’ve ever done that, even as what you thought was a joke, you’re sick and you need help. Read the rest of this entry →

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12 2016

I’m With Stupid – December 9, 2016

THE PRESERVATIVE POWER OF MSG AND SPECIAL SAUCE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallWhen I was a kid, there was this guy who I think lived in my town for a while named Jim Fixx. Some of you old farts might remember the name. In 1977, he wrote a book called “The Complete Book of Running” that turned into a big deal (No. 1 bestseller for 11 weeks) because back in those days we needed entire books to explain to us how to jog. No one had ever thought of doing it before then.

The book told the tale of how Fixx, a 214-pound, two-pack-a-day smoker, lost 60 pounds and quit smoking by taking up jogging. That motivated everyone to get up and start running around, and Fixx, according to Wikipedia, was “credited with helping start America’s fitness revolution.”  Read the rest of this entry →

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12 2016

I’m With Stupid – December 2, 2016

THE RIGHT WAR ON THE WRONG BATTLEFIELD
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallWith the news last month that four cities — Boulder, San Francisco, Oakland and Albany, California — had voted to join cities like Berkeley, Philadelphia and Chicago in taxing sugary beverages, it got me wondering which beverages would be getting taxed and which wouldn’t. There’s a lot of sugar out there, after all, and it seems to me that these taxes could end up getting applied indiscriminately if not handled correctly.

So, being the diligent researcher that I am, I decided to look into the issue. It turns out that the basic rule is that if it has added sugar, it gets taxed. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. This means that non-diet sodas, iced teas and sports drinks will get taxed by the ounce, while 100 percent fruit juices with no added sugar will not. Read the rest of this entry →

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12 2016

I’m With Stupid – November 25, 2016

DUMB PROCLAMATIONS FROM A TURKEY HANGOVER
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThe other day, I was standing in front of a mirror with my shirt off — not deliberately, mind you. It’s not like I took my shirt off to go flex in front of a mirror. I just happened to be stepping out of the shower — and maybe the mirror was fogged up or something, but I actually thought I looked a little less flabby than I usually do.

Buoyed, I stepped on the scale hoping for glad tidings, and boy, was I wrong. Turns out I was near the high end of my range, which is typically from about 205 to 215 pounds, depending on how recently lunch or a good bowel movement has taken place. Read the rest of this entry →

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11 2016

I’m With Stupid – November 18, 2016

ONCE-PROUD NATION TORN ABOUT BY BEAVERS AND BIRDS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI know things seem tough right now, America. I know it feels like we’ve been torn in two and we’re at war with ourselves. I know a lot of wimpy-ass college kids and professors need time off from classes to deal with their hurt feelings, and I know that rioting and protests are happening all over the place. I admit: It’s bad. But things could be worse: We could be Canada.

That’s right: Canada, that supposedly idyllic place you wish you could move to right now. You may not know this, America, since you’ve been so hung up on your own problems lately, but our neighbor to the north also has been a house divided for half a decade now, wracked by partisan squabbling, heated disagreement and all sorts of infighting. Read the rest of this entry →

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11 2016

I’m With Stupid – November 11, 2016

THE THINKER WHO THUNK THE UNTHINKABLE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallDid you ever have one of those moments where you wondered if everything really was just a figment of your imagination? Well, it happens to me a lot, and I finally realized why. It’s because, apparently, everything is just a figment of my imagination. Nothing else could explain what happened Tuesday night.

No, the only way Donald Trump could possibly be elected president of the United States of America would be if I dreamt it. So I think all you imaginary readers need to give me some credit. I did some pretty creative dreaming on this one, didn’t I? Read the rest of this entry →

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11 2016

I’m With Stupid – November 4, 2016

I’VE NEVER BEEN SO EAGER FOR A WEDNESDAY
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallCan you see it? There, just up ahead. It’s … it’s … it’s the light at the end of the tunnel! Hallelujah! We’re saved! It’s almost over!

Just smell that fresh air wafting here from next week, promising happier times when Election Day will be a thing of the past and we won’t have to breathe the putrid fumes of Campaign 2016 anymore. I’m giddy just thinking about it.

Imagine, for a second, that you’re someone from a random, foreign country and you’ve been following American politics from afar all summer and fall. Think about what you’ve been witnessing. Read the rest of this entry →

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11 2016

I’m With Stupid – October 28, 2016

TAKE THE DAILY NOT-GONNA-KILL-ANYONE PLEDGE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThe other day I was rolling through Facebook, unfollowing anyone who posted more than once a day or took a selfie, and I came across a post that included a video and a hyperbolic proclamation along the lines of: “If everyone watched this one-minute film, there would be no war.”

The still shot from the video featured a smiling orangutan with one arm thrown over the shoulders of a pointer dog. I have a half-pointer, I’m a sucker for orangutans, and I’ve been trying to quit war for some time now, so I clicked on the arrow by the orangutan’s armpit and watched.  Read the rest of this entry →

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10 2016

I’m With Stupid – October 21, 2016

WHEN SMART COMPANIES DO STUPID THINGS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThose of you who know me may be familiar with the saga of the gifted Mercedes, a problem with which I have been beset this summer. You may know of the emotional turmoil it has caused me and the hell my wife, son and I have endured in being just a one-car family these past few months. Well, you will all be happy to know that the ordeal is finally over, and we’ve all survived, thank God.

For those of you who haven’t heard the tale, I’ll start at the beginning. I have a Mercedes. It’s a 1998 E-class station wagon that my parents gave me a few years ago Read the rest of this entry →

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10 2016

I’m With Stupid – October 14, 2016

MARS, THE BRINGER OF ASTRONOMICAL EXPENSES
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI don’t know if you noticed, but Mars is hot. I mean, Mars is still cold, obviously, but for some reason, the red planet is very much in vogue right now here on Earth. People are talking. Why, earlier this week, I was reading the so-called news on CNN.com and there, hidden among 8,000 articles on Donald Trump, there was a Mars-themed essay penned by none other than President Barack Obama himself.

In the essay, which was titled “America Will Take the Giant Leap to Mars,” Obama stated in no uncertain terms that he believes our space-exploration goal as a nation is “sending humans to Mars by the 2030s and returning them safely to Earth, with the ultimate ambition to one day remain there for an extended time.” Read the rest of this entry →

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10 2016


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