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Posts Tagged ‘africa’

I’m With Stupid – May 24, 2013

HIS BOY ELROY’S PIPING HOT PROTEIN-LAYER PIZZA
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYou could call it life imitating “The Jetsons,” but I feel like other portrayals of the future have featured similar contraptions. Regardless, it appears the future is now, people. Science has finally caught up with Hanna-Barbera. We’re going to have food machines soon.

I’m not talking about vending machines with metal coils and tiny bags of potato chips that get caught and don’t fall, thus robbing you of a buck-fifty. We already have those. Read the rest of this entry →

24

05 2013

I’m With Stupid – February 22, 2013

SAVE YOUR TOENAIL CLIPPINGS TO SAVE AFRICAN RHINOS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYears ago, at my high school, one particularly stupid kid was trying to score some marijuana. Another kid, this one utterly disgusting and duplicitous but rather enterprising, agreed to sell him some. The enterprising kid waited until the stupid kid forked over the money and then handed him a baggie filled with pubic hairs and dirty toenail clippings.

Don’t act appalled; I told you the kid was disgusting.

I can’t recall whether the stupid kid learned a valuable lesson or not — he actually was that dumb Read the rest of this entry →

22

02 2013

I’m With Stupid – January 4, 2013

HOW TO FIT A DINOSAUR INTO YOUR SUITCASE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThose of you who know me now may find this hard to believe, but I wasn’t always the upstanding, righteous citizen I am today. Once upon a time I was a smuggler, and I can tell you it’s a terrifying way to make a living. I wouldn’t be telling you about it at all, mind you, except that I’m pretty sure the statute of limitations has expired.

The year was 1980, and I was on a safari in Kenya with my family. Our final destination of note was a tent camp in the Maasai Mara National Reserve, Read the rest of this entry →

04

01 2013

I’m With Stupid – October 7, 2011

IF YOU SAY IT WRONG, IT KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE SHANGRI-LA
by Todd Hartley

OK, gang, forget everything you think you know about Angola. Are you done forgetting? Good. May I ask what, exactly, you forgot?

You say you forgot Angola was a deadly disease that makes people vomit up blood? Wrong. That’s ebola, which has not been found in Angola but occasionally breaks out in the neighboring Democratic Republic of the Congo.

Those of you who forgot Angola was a war-torn African nation were wrong also, at least on the war-torn part. Read the rest of this entry →

07

10 2011

I’m With Stupid – February 18, 2011

MAKE THOSE SMELLY FEET WORK FOR YOU
by Todd Hartley

All right, folks, I’ve got some good news, and I’ve got some bad news. The good news is that if you have rancid foot odor, and you’ve been wondering how you can cash in on it, you may be in luck. The bad news is that if you hate spiders, two of your worst nightmares have come true.

I’m not really scared of spiders myself, but boy-howdy is my little boy. He once woke up in the middle of the night screaming because he thought he saw a spider on the ceiling. Turns out it was just a moth, but he was terrified of that, too. Read the rest of this entry →

18

02 2011

I’m With Stupid – February 4, 2011

CURBING HUMAN METHANE EMISSIONS IN MALAWI
by Todd Hartley

All right, folks, here’s your challenge for this week: see if you can make it through this entire column without breaking wind. (Trust me, that’s a difficult task for a lot of people I know.)

Ah, but not you, right? You have impeccable sphincter control, don’t you? You could probably read this column three or four times before the urge to blow the buttock bassoon overcame you. Reading it just once sans flatulence would be a piece of cake, wouldn’t it? Read the rest of this entry →

04

02 2011

Latest Finds: Afrobeat

You know how every so often you discover something so amazing you can’t believe you hadn’t heard of it up until that point in your life? So it was for me with afrobeat, the infectious music invented by the great Fela Kuti in Nigeria in the early ’70’s. Read the rest of this entry →

17

09 2010

I’m With Stupid – September 17, 2010

THE WORLD’S MOST CONTROVERSIAL GAME OF FROGGER
by Todd Hartley

Affluent Europeans and Americans who zip around their countries on massive, eight-lane superhighways were outraged recently when the impoverished nation of Tanzania announced its plans to build a highway through the southern part of the Serengeti plains.

“This highway will ruin one of the most magnificent sites on Earth!” cyber-shrieked someone on Facebook named Pia. “This is an urgent environmental issue.” Read the rest of this entry →

17

09 2010


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