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Posts Tagged ‘australia’

I’m With Stupid – May 6, 2016

BUILDING A HERPES-PROOF FENCE AROUND AUSTRALIA
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYou’ve heard of Australia, right? It’s that big island continent on the other side of the world made famous in the book and film “Rabbit-Proof Fence.” It’s the place where there’s an actual rabbit-proof fence running for thousands of miles across the western part of the country. That place. Australia wants to give herpes to fish.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying Australians with cold sores and genital warts are supposed to make out with fish or have sex with fish or anything like that. That would be wrong, and it would be way too funny to ever actually happen, though we can dream. Read the rest of this entry →

06

05 2016

I’m With Stupid – September 4, 2015

ROBOTS COULD DESTROY ALL LIFE IN THE PACIFIC
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallIf you’ve heard of the film (or the actual object) “Rabbit-Proof Fence,” you may have some idea of Australia’s unfortunate history with invasive and non-native species. Suffice it to say that back in the day, a guy released 24 rabbits so he could hunt them, and they bred like rabbits, and eventually Australia had so many rabbits the government had to run a fence all the way across the country to try to contain their numbers.

It apparently didn’t work, because Australia now has more than 200 million rabbits and has taken to spreading a virus that is deadly to rabbits to try to kill them off. Apparently, the virus doesn’t work very well, either. Read the rest of this entry →

04

09 2015

I’m With Stupid – December 28, 2012

THE LONGER THE WEAPON, THE SHORTER THE TOOL
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallNow that we’ve finally decided we can actually have a conversation about gun control in this country, I think those of us who are in favor of tougher measures have to face one unavoidable truth: Trying to control guns now is a case of shutting the barn doors after the horse gets out.

Gun-rights advocates are quick to point out, correctly, that as of 2009 there were more than 310 million nonmilitary firearms in the United States. That works out to a rate of about one gun for every American citizen. Read the rest of this entry →

28

12 2012

I’m With Stupid – August 19, 2011

NEXT FOR AUSTRALIA’S METAL GODS: A WHOLE LOTTA ROSE
by Todd Hartley

Hey, all you head bangers! Are you guys ready to rock? I said are you guys ready to rock? Ready for some dirty deeds done dirt cheap? Ready to get thunder struck and shaken all night long? Are you ready to get down to the loudest sound around, the sound you need that makes your eardrums bleed, the thunder from Down Under? Then for those about to rock, we salute you. Let’s hear you make some noise for AC/DC!

That’s what I’m talking about, America. Get loud! Read the rest of this entry →

19

08 2011

I’m With Stupid – May 20, 2011

PLANKING THE WALK AND OTHER DUMB PLACES
by Todd Hartley

As an American, I tend to feel rather proprietary when it comes to the development and dissemination of stupid trends. It’s America, after all, that has given us such pinnacles of idiocy as the Hummer H2, teenage vampire movies, Paris Hilton, Perez Hilton, country line dancing, New Kids on the Block, pants worn around one’s thighs with one’s underwear hanging out, Lindsay Lohan, etc., etc. In short, we’re not just dumb; we’re the world leader in dumb, and we’re damn proud of it.

Mind you, I’m not saying that every moronic trend originates in the U.S. Japan has certainly had its share of success with things like Pokemon, bad animation and slaughtering dolphins, Read the rest of this entry →

20

05 2011

Australia's Dawson's gives U.S. a bee-plus

Thank you for coming, ladies and gents. I appreciate the time, and I think you will too. I so enjoyed working with you on the militant-slaying, polar bear-grizzly bear hybrid last week that I thought I’d present you with something similar this week.

I think I might have figured out a way to stop the alarming spread of Africanized, or “killer,” bees throughout North America. Allow me to present the Dawson’s bee. All we have to do is make a hybrid out of this guy and a killer bee, get him set up in killer bee society and let him do his thing. It’ll be kind of like the new movie “Avatar,” only with bees and a lot more killing and sex. Read the rest of this entry →

13

11 2009

Is that an eggplant in your pants?

I was reminded recently of an old friend of mine who once tried to steal a pork tenderloin from a grocery store in Aspen by stuffing it down his pants. He was nearly out the door when one of the store’s clerks tapped him on the shoulder to let him know he had dropped his hat. So nervous was my friend over his little crime spree that he immediately blurted out, “It’s in my pants!” despite the fact that he hadn’t been accused of anything.

I can just imagine the clerk’s surprise when this man he was only trying to help then reached down his jeans and pulled out the pilfered meat. It’s probably the sort of thing grocery store clerks don’t encounter too often, even in Aspen. Read the rest of this entry →

06

02 2009

She swallowed the cat to catch the rat

The history of humans introducing non-native animal species to new lands is a long and glorious one. Some of the more notable successes include Africanized honey bees, which were introduced to the Americas in 1957 for the purpose of inspiring apocalyptic urban myths and low-budget horror films, and rabbits, which were set free in Australia in 1859 to inspire lazy Australians to get off their duffs and build a 2,021-mile rabbit-proof fence.

Typically, there is nothing to worry about when introducing new species. As Thomas Austin, the man who first released rabbits in Australia, said, “The introduction of a few rabbits could do little harm and might provide a touch of home, in addition to a spot of hunting.” Read the rest of this entry →

23

01 2009


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