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Posts Tagged ‘China’

I’m With Stupid – September 30, 2016

GIVE ME A HOME WHERE A MOUSE COULDN’T ROAM
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallHere in Aspen, where the billionaires roam and the dowered and the affluent play, we take great pride in the prices of our homes. Why, just now I did a search to see how much a one-bedroom apartment in town would cost and found a pied-a-terre “within walking/biking distance” to downtown for $895,000. I was aghast at how low the price was.

Honestly, Aspen, the place was on the river. Back in the day that fact alone would have made it worth a million. What have we become? Read the rest of this entry →

30

09 2016

I’m With Stupid – December 4, 2015

NO LIGHT TILL THE END OF THE TUNNEL
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallBack in 1990, my junior year of college, I did a program called Semester at Sea. It’s basically a cruise ship full of college students going around the world, stopping at various ports of call in exotic locales where there is no drinking age.

You can say what you will about the value of the courses we took on the ship, and you can question how having that much fun could possibly be considered educational, but I will say this: I learned more about the world and my lucky place in it that semester than I did in all my other years of education combined. Read the rest of this entry →

04

12 2015

I’m With Stupid – February 1, 2013

JOYCE IN CHINA BIGGER THAN HASSELHOFF IN GERMANY
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI once read somewhere that James Joyce’s novel “Ulysses” was the best book ever written, so a few years ago when I found an old copy for a dollar I bought it. I’d heard cautionary tales, but I figured I’d give it a try anyway. I got about 50 pages into it before realizing I didn’t understand a single word and would never make it to the end. It’ll be back in the dollar box at a thrift store as soon as I remember to get rid of it.

Coincidentally, 50 pages is also as far as I made it into “Gravity’s Rainbow,” by Thomas Pynchon, which I was supposed to read for a class in college. Read the rest of this entry →

01

02 2013

I’m With Stupid – April 1, 2011

SOLVING THE PIZZLE OF CHINESE ANIMAL ATTITUDES
by Todd Hartley

My neighbor, who travels extensively for work, has a very odd sense of humor that I can only assume has remained unchanged since his sophomore year of high school. The way it manifests itself with regard to me is that when he returns from his forays to exotic locales he enjoys bringing me small gifts that have something to do with genitalia, or at least references to genitalia.

For example, once, following a trip to London, he brought me a can – unopened to this day – of something called spotted dick. Read the rest of this entry →

01

04 2011

I’m With Stupid – October 29, 2010

AMERICA’S NERDINESS DECLINE THREATENS ESKIMO CHILDREN
by Todd Hartley

It’s been somewhat of an interesting week for America’s technology sector, which saw its reputation take some hits on the international level but may yet have a chance to reclaim its top geek status, thanks to a potentially hazardous decision by a shadowy organization called HEPAP.

First came the terrifying revelation by the U.S. Air Force that on Saturday, due to a computer glitch, the U.S. was completely vulnerable to attack by enemy combatants for a good 45 minutes. Read the rest of this entry →

29

10 2010

Using your butts for more efficient gas

Before I launch into this week’s tirade — because, trust me, that’s what this will be — I would like to point out that I have plenty of friends who smoke, and many of them are even considerate enough to dispose of their cigarette butts in trash cans. I know from watching other smokers fail to do this that it requires a Herculean effort, so I want to applaud my friends who go to such great lengths.

And to those smokers who feel that dropping cigarette butts on the ground is OK, I’d like to ask you a few questions: Read the rest of this entry →

21

05 2010

In Aspen it would be $3,500 a month

So you think you’ve been hit hard by the global recession, eh? Two years ago you lived in a 20,000-square-foot mansion, but the bank foreclosed on you, and now you’re sharing a trailer with a family of toothless rednecks? Well, boo-friggin’-hoo. Cry me a river, Alice. You have no idea how good you’ve got it.

Still, I can’t help but feel a little sorry for you, so, in an effort to cheer you up about the fact that your living situation has gone down the toilet, I’m going to point out to you how much worse things could be. It’ll be a little like one of my favorite childhood books: Dr. Seuss’s “Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?” Read the rest of this entry →

05

02 2010

Those are some pretty big shoes to throw

As a decent, patriotic American, you are no doubt aware that in December 2008 an Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at then-President George W. Bush while Bush was giving a press conference in Baghdad. Like me, I’m sure you were outraged by the journalist’s attack, which is considered a great insult in Muslim nations.

And perhaps you’ve heard that the very next month, on Bush’s last day in office, roughly 100 people stood on Pennsylvania Avenue and gave the outgoing president an Iraqi-style sendoff by lobbing their shoes in the direction of the White House, to the cheers of passers-by and even a handful of security guards. Read the rest of this entry →

29

01 2010

4-wheel secret to natural male enhancement

I woke up Tuesday morning to learn that General Motors had finally found a buyer for Hummer, the company that brought you the cleverly named H1, H2 and H3, the gas-guzzling behemoths that have come to symbolize all that is wrong with the American auto industry.

The story I read said the buyer wished to remain anonymous for the time being, so I spent the day in suspense. That night I said to a co-worker, “Whoever the buyer is, you can bet it’s a company with a really small penis.” Read the rest of this entry →

05

06 2009


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