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Posts Tagged ‘christmas’

I’m With Stupid – December 23, 2016

HOW THE TRUMP STOLE CHRISTMAS
by Todd Hartley

Every Who in Creation had been dreading Xmas
From Lapps in reindeer land to mothers in Texmas
The crass commercialism! The prices of gifts!
The torture of airports and crowded ski lifts!
Whatever their reasons, they’d had quite enough
And between 60 zillion they raised such a huff
That it built up as vapor, a voluminous cloud
Of everyone’s issues, the whole madding crowd
And that cloud headed northward past Juneau and Nome
To out where the musk ox and caribou roam Read the rest of this entry →

23

12 2016

I’m With Stupid – November 25, 2016

DUMB PROCLAMATIONS FROM A TURKEY HANGOVER
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallThe other day, I was standing in front of a mirror with my shirt off — not deliberately, mind you. It’s not like I took my shirt off to go flex in front of a mirror. I just happened to be stepping out of the shower — and maybe the mirror was fogged up or something, but I actually thought I looked a little less flabby than I usually do.

Buoyed, I stepped on the scale hoping for glad tidings, and boy, was I wrong. Turns out I was near the high end of my range, which is typically from about 205 to 215 pounds, depending on how recently lunch or a good bowel movement has taken place. Read the rest of this entry →

25

11 2016

I’m With Stupid – January 1, 2016

RESOLVING TO AVOID ELVES AND OTHER CRAP
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallLast week, as you may recall, we were discussing the Elf on the Shelf and what an ill-conceived idea I feel it is. It truly becomes a kind of sickness, and I’m pretty sure it’s not sending the right message to our kids. I know you might think that’s stretching things a bit, but there’s actual evidence to support such a claim.

A couple of weeks ago just before Christmas, a 7-year-old girl in New Jersey called 911 in hysterics after touching her Elf on the Shelf. She was apparently throwing a ball in the house and accidentally knocked the elf from its perch. Fearing she’d ruined the magic of Christmas, which would indeed be an emergency to a 7-year-old, the girl did what she’d been told to do in an emergency and made the call. Read the rest of this entry →

01

01 2016

I’m With Stupid – December 25, 2015

THE DREAD AFFLICTION OF ELVES ON YOUR SHELVES
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI realize this is going to sound like the Grinchiest thing ever, but I cannot wait for the holiday season to finally end so I can be rid of the infernal Elf on the Shelf that first darkened our home last yuletide. His name is Fred, and the sooner he packs his bags and disappears for another spring, summer and fall, the happier I will be.

If you’re not familiar with elves on the shelves, they’re supposed to be plush dolls that you buy and then set somewhere in your house for your child to find. However, through my own stupidity, the elf we got, Fred, ended up being an unposable, hard-rubber elf that looks like it’s squatting on the toilet. Read the rest of this entry →

25

12 2015

I’m With Stupid – December 26, 2014

THE XTREME DANGER OF GIVING AN XBOX FOR XMAS
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI find myself in sort of an interesting spot with this week’s column. You see, I’m writing this the day before Christmas, but it won’t be published until the day after Christmas. Thus, I’m going to have to predict how Christmas is going to go around my house this year rather than telling you how it went.

So here goes:

First, I predict my son’s head will explode when he sees one of his presents. Read the rest of this entry →

26

12 2014

I’m With Stupid – December 5, 2014

NO, REALLY, YOU JUST BOUGHT A BOX OF POOP
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallIt’s finally happened, people. We’ve finally passed the stupidity tipping point. We are now so irretrievably idiotic that some of us are paying for feces. That’s right: feces, poop, dung, stool, whatever you want to call it. Apparently, people have been buying it online.

So how did we devolve so far as a species that we’ve reached this sorry state? For the answer, I think we need to start with Jesus, as it’s his birthday that’s at the heart of the problem.

Once upon a time, Jesus was born, and three guys gave him gold and a couple of perfume ingredients, Read the rest of this entry →

05

12 2014

I’m With Stupid – December 27, 2013

THANK GOD NO ONE CAROLS DOOR-TO-DOOR ANYMORE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallNow that Christmas is over and I won’t seem like quite so big a Scrooge by saying this, I have a confession to make: I don’t really like Christmas carols. I’m sorry. I know everyone loves them, but they’re so overplayed and start so early that by about mid-December each year I go from finding them cheery to thinking they’re voices in my head telling me to run over someone’s grandma with an elk.

I mean, maybe I wouldn’t mind Christmas carols so much if we had some new ones, but it’s always the same nonsense just sung by different people. Read the rest of this entry →

27

12 2013

I’m With Stupid – December 30, 2011

A SWEEPING INDICTMENT OF SECTARIAN STUPIDITY
by Todd Hartley

I have a confession to make: unlike all you good Christians out there, I’ve never actually read the Bible. (You have read it, right?) I am pretty sure, however, that when people say “the Bible,” they’re all referring to the same book. Sure, there may be different translations, but I think it’s safe to assume each version says roughly the same thing: God made the world, Eve ate the wrong apple, the Jews escaped from Egypt, Mary got pregnant, Jesus was born, Jesus died, Jesus came back to life. I’m paraphrasing, of course, but you get the idea. Read the rest of this entry →

30

12 2011

I’m With Stupid – December 9, 2011

HO, HO THE MISTLETOE, BLASTED WHERE YOU CAN SEE
by Todd Hartley

Here’s what I know about mistletoe after two seconds’ research on Wikipedia: it’s a plant that grows “attached to and within the branches of a tree or shrub.” To prove the point, the article included a picture of a “hemi-parasitic” European strain of the plant in the branches of a silver birch, most likely an American or Chinese one.

For some reason, when two people find themselves standing beneath mistletoe around Christmas time, they are supposed to kiss. Read the rest of this entry →

09

12 2011

I’m With Stupid – December 31, 2010

WHAT TO SAY WHEN THE CAROLERS SHOW UP
by Todd Hartley

In the spirit of inoffensive political correctness, I want to wish all Christians, Jews, Sunni Muslims, people of African descent, Buddhists, Wiccans, Canadians, Humanists and Zoroastrians everywhere a belated merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, memorable Ashura, joyous Kwanzaa, fantastic Bodhi Day, festive Yule (or Litha, for you southern hemisphere Wiccans), super Boxing Day, sensational Human Light and celebratory Death of the Prophet Zarathustra. Read the rest of this entry →

31

12 2010


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