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Posts Tagged ‘england’

I’m With Stupid – March 17, 2017

THE INCONVENIENT TRUTH ABOUT ST. PATRICK’S DAY
by Todd Hartley

It’s St. Patrick’s Day today, and before I get drunk on green beer, I thought it might behoove me to learn something about the man in whose name I’ll be imbibing. Not that I care for Columbus Day, but at least I know what Columbus did. All I thought I knew about Patrick is that he chased the snakes out of Ireland, or something like that, which sounded pretty made-up.

So I looked the guy up, and guess what? It turns out we’ve been living a bunch of lies for all these years. Patrick, the man I thought was the patron saint of corned beef, cabbage and the color green, wasn’t actually named Patrick, and he wasn’t even Irish. Read the rest of this entry →

17

03 2017

I’m With Stupid – March 3, 2017

MINCED MEAT STUFFED IN INTESTINES? YES, PLEASE!
by Todd Hartley

We’re going to talk a lot about sausages this week, gang, so if you’re a vegan like my next-door neighbor, you’re probably not going to be too happy. This is going to be carnivorous. This is going to be like my proposed album cover for “The Chickahominy Sessions,” with the band Sweet ‘n’ Meaty standing outside the Sausage Emporium about to dig into some spicy Italian link wedges with marinara and provolone.

But seriously, how much do people love sausage? It’s awesome. Look at just patties alone. I’m convinced the sausage McMuffin with egg and offering breakfast all day are the only reasons McDonald’s is still in business. And more people definitely associate James Dean with breakfast patties than whatever the heck the other guy was known for. Read the rest of this entry →

03

03 2017

I’m With Stupid – January 23, 2015

DUDE, YOU SHOULDA BEEN THERE. NOW PAY ME
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallBy now, I’m sure most of you have heard about the 5-year-old boy in England whose family got a bill in the mail after he missed his friend’s birthday party. But if you’re not familiar with the story, that’s basically it in a nutshell. The family RSVP’d and then later realized they had other plans for that day, so the kid missed the party. A few days later, he came home from school with an invoice for $24 — a “child’s party no-show fee” — from the birthday boy’s mother. Read the rest of this entry →

23

01 2015

I’m With Stupid – September 19, 2014

THE PREDICTIVE PROWESS OF DEEP-FRIED POULTRY
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallBy the time you read this, Scotland will have decided already whether to secede from the United Kingdom and form its own independent country. I assure you, however, that as of this writing, the vote is still in the future and I don’t know what the outcome will be. I can hazard an informed guess, though, and for that I have KFC to thank.

For you see, just the other day, a customer at a KFC in England ordered a “fillet feast” and received a deep-fried chicken breast that is the spittin’ image of England without Scotland Read the rest of this entry →

19

09 2014

I’m With Stupid – August 10, 2012

SUCK ON THIS TOAD, YOU ANTI-AMERICAN POLLSTERS
by Todd Hartley

Near where I live, in central Colorado, there’s a town called Silt that has long had issues with its name. It seems like every few years, the young people of Silt spearhead a drive to have the name changed, only to be rebuffed by their elders, who don’t seem to mind living in a place whose name is synonymous with – and I quote – “ooze, slime, mud, sludge, mire, sediment.”

Admittedly, Silt is not the most inspiring of monikers, but then Silt isn’t the most inspiring of towns. Read the rest of this entry →

10

08 2012

I’m With Stupid – June 15, 2012

SHEEPISHLY TRASHING THE WELSH A RARE BIT
by Todd Hartley

I just left Wales this morning, and for those of you listening to this on an audiocolumn, that’s Wales as in the country, not the blubbery seafaring mammals. Legendary as I may be, I didn’t pull a Jonah. I did make it out of Wales alive, mind you, but at no time was I swallowed by anything.

Never mind the circumstances that brought me to Wales. Just suffice it to say that I was more or less obligated to go. Having said that, I found I was very happy to be there. Read the rest of this entry →

15

06 2012

I’m With Stupid – March 18, 2011

IRAN SAVES 2012 LONDON OLYMPICS FROM POINTLESSNESS
by Todd Hartley

While the world waits with bated breath to see if Japan can avert a nuclear disaster, we can all at least breathe a sigh of relief knowing that another impending crisis was recently averted.

I’m referring, of course, to Iran’s decision not to boycott the 2012 Olympic Games in London, a decision which saves the London event from being completely irrelevant. In fact, had Iran made good on its threat to skip the games, I’m not sure why the International Olympic Committee would even bother staging them. Read the rest of this entry →

18

03 2011

I’m With Stupid – August 27, 2010

LET’S JUST HOPE SHE HAS NINE LIVES, TOO
by Todd Hartley

One of the things I’ve always admired most about the dimwitted — a group that by no means precludes me, mind you — is the way one person’s stupidity frequently begets even more idiocy on the part of others. A perfect case in point is the brouhaha going on right now in England over the actions of one insignificant woman who did one very dumb thing.

The woman, Mary Bale, a 45-year-old bank worker from the town of Stoke, achieved infamy earlier this week when a video of her dropping a cat in a trash bin was posted on the Internet. Read the rest of this entry →

27

08 2010

England's answer to the howler monkey

Back in the fall of 1995, I visited Costa Rica with a friend of mine, and one of the first things we did was take a hike through the rain forest in a beautiful national park encompassing a small range of active volcanoes. While crossing a stream in the forest we heard a low-pitched sound so loud and disturbing my first thought was that it must have been a rhinoceros in the throes of death or, possibly, the throes of passion.

Obviously, I know there are no wild rhinos in Costa Rica or anywhere else in the Western Hemisphere, but the sound was so bizarre and terrifying I could think of no other animal capable of producing it. Read the rest of this entry →

18

12 2009

Suicide is painless, or should be

Normally, here at “I’m With Stupid,” we make a point of avoiding deeper issues such as politics and murder and war and so forth. Sure, politicians and murderers and wars are generally pretty stupid, but they’re usually not terribly funny, so they don’t make for the most entertaining column fodder. Every once in a while, though, a story comes along that demands some sort of comment, regardless of how contentious an issue it might involve.

Such was the case last week with a widely reported story about a British couple who passed away at a voluntary euthanasia clinic in Switzerland. Read the rest of this entry →

13

03 2009


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