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Posts Tagged ‘japan’

I’m With Stupid – May 23, 2014

GIVING A RAT’S PATOOTIE ABOUT LOOKING CUTER
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI feel sorry for rats; I really do. According to a pet-rescue website, “Rats are intelligent, affectionate, clean animals with lots of personality and enjoy spending time with people.” They supposedly make great pets, and their faces are every bit as cute as those of gerbils and mice. But there’s just something about that tail — that hairless, wormlike tail — that creeps people out.

Admittedly, people also might be a little creeped out by the rat’s association with things like sewers, trash dumps, sinking ships, bubonic plagues and getting cancer in laboratories, Read the rest of this entry →

23

05 2014

I’m With Stupid – December 13, 2013

LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, TUPAC, PRINCESS LEIA AND EVERYTHING
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallAvid readers of this column — and I’m sure there must be millions of you — are by now probably aware of the fact that I’ve always secretly wished I was some kind of space scientist. In fact, back in my school days, I was torn between becoming a snarky humor writer or an astrobiologist. I chose writing because I was under the impression that it paid better. For the record, I was very, very wrong.

But I always thought I’d have made a good astrophysicist. (Right now, I imagine a lot of you are scoffing, thinking that it’s awfully presumptuous of me to think I’m as smart as Copernicus, Galileo, Newton, Einstein or Stephen Hawking. I’m not; I’m much more smarterer than any of them.) Read the rest of this entry →

13

12 2013

I’m With Stupid – August 9, 2013

THE SLIME FACIAL IS ODDLY NOT A PORN THING
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallBefore I write anything else, I want to state for the record that the gastropod-facial idea has been my intellectual property for many years now, and I am entitled to all revenues and assets derived from its practice from hereon and henceforth unto perpetuity, yada, yada, yada.

Anyway, with that bit of legal unpleasantness out of the way, we shall proceed.

I’m beginning to get concerned. Last week, I wrote a column — a sober, intellectual treatise on the myriad industrial uses of urine — inspired by an article my wife emailed me as a column idea. Read the rest of this entry →

09

08 2013

I’m With Stupid – February 18, 2011

MAKE THOSE SMELLY FEET WORK FOR YOU
by Todd Hartley

All right, folks, I’ve got some good news, and I’ve got some bad news. The good news is that if you have rancid foot odor, and you’ve been wondering how you can cash in on it, you may be in luck. The bad news is that if you hate spiders, two of your worst nightmares have come true.

I’m not really scared of spiders myself, but boy-howdy is my little boy. He once woke up in the middle of the night screaming because he thought he saw a spider on the ceiling. Turns out it was just a moth, but he was terrified of that, too. Read the rest of this entry →

18

02 2011

Maybe he wanted to see the wailing wall

With hundreds of thousands of gallons of oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico every day from the still-uncapped British Petroleum well, and with the airplane-grounding ash cloud from the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull having reached Morocco, you might think that Mother Nature is dying an ugly death around the globe. Sadly, you’re probably right.

There is some good news from the natural world, though, and being that I am always so upbeat and cheerful in my columns, I thought it would be nice to share that news with you: It seems the extinction of gray whales in the Atlantic Ocean has been greatly exaggerated after all. Read the rest of this entry →

14

05 2010

A honey of a crime wave stings Japan

Think of all the things you could steal. (Not that you’re a crook or anything; I’m just saying if you were.) There’s money, jewelry, pork tenderloin, second base. In fact, there’s virtually no end to the desirable objects you could swipe if you were so inclined. One thing, though, that I’m guessing none of you have ever thought of stealing is bees.

That’s right: bees, those black-and-yellow, honey-making, swarming insects with the vicious little stingers. Only a moron would to want to steal bees, right? Read the rest of this entry →

07

05 2010

The world’s most expensive orange

Here in the good old U.S. of A., where you can’t turn on a TV or go to the supermarket or surf the Internet without being inundated with the latest “news” about Brangelina or Brittany or Brittany’s pregnant 16-year-old sister, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking we have a monopoly on stupidity. (The harmless kind, that is; I’m not talking about the sort of violent cretinism afflicting places like Darfur and Myanmar. That’s a whole other level of stupid.)

Compared to us, most other ethnicities seem, if not exactly more intelligent, at least more dignified. Read the rest of this entry →

25

07 2008


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