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Posts Tagged ‘oregon’

I’m With Stupid – May 13, 2016

DAILY PIZZA CONSUMPTION COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYears ago, I had a friend in Aspen who was a very large man. He’d been an offensive lineman on his college’s football team, and here in town he’d packed on a few more pounds through plenty of booze and unhealthy eating habits. (He has since shed roughly 100 pounds and now trains pilates instructors, but that’s irrelevant to this story. This is about when he was still huge.)

His apartment, a tiny one-bedroom, was furnished almost exclusively with pizza boxes. He had a bed and a couch, but the coffee table, nightstand, end tables and most everything else were nothing more than stacks of old Domino’s boxes piled high.  Read the rest of this entry →

13

05 2016

I’m With Stupid – April 29, 2016

PRIMATES FOR PROSTITUTES – A ZANY ZOO INDEED
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallYou know how you always have a soft spot in your heart for certain animals because of some relevance they have for you? For instance, I love sloths because my then-girlfriend, now-wife — who I hope had a wonderful birthday Thursday — and I visited a sloth rescue place in Costa Rica on our second date.

Similarly, I have long been a fan of bush babies because I met a bush baby once in Kenya and it climbed all over me and pinched my nose and thankfully didn’t poop on my shoulder.  Read the rest of this entry →

29

04 2016

I’m With Stupid – January 8, 2015

THE REVOLUTION SHOULD NOT BE TELEVISED
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI don’t know about you, but I am really enjoying the beating the idiots at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon are taking online and in social media. Some of the nicknames are awesome: Y’all Qaeda. Vanilla ISIS. If those guys don’t yet realize how stupid they look, they’re even dumber than I thought.

I must say, it was pretty impressive how quickly there were 8 million news stories, blogs and columns about how differently this would be going if these domestic terrorists were people of color or Native Americans instead of lily-white, self-proclaimed patriots. Bravo on your expressions of outrage, everybody. The PC gods are appeased. Read the rest of this entry →

08

01 2016

I’m With Stupid – July 10, 2015

TOUGH TIMES FOR DISSENTING BAKERS IN ORWELL-EGON
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallLast week, if you’ll recall, we were discussing marriage equality, and I was expressing my disdain for county clerks who refuse to issue wedding licenses to same-sex couples. This week, I’d like to discuss the flip side of that issue, because if there’s anything I abhor nearly as much as bigotry and hate, it’s the thought police.

If you’re wondering what I mean by “thought police,” here’s the top definition from an Internet search: “A group of people who aim or are seen as aiming to suppress ideas that deviate from the way of thinking that they believe to be correct.” Read the rest of this entry →

10

07 2015

I’m With Stupid – June 6, 2014

HIGHWAY SAFETY? DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallSomething happened recently northwest of Portland, Oregon, that really touched a nerve for me personally, and if you don’t mind I’d like to drop my usual snarkiness and cynicism for the week to discuss this serious topic in the adult manner that it deserves.

For I am a tunnel breath-holder. I hold my breath when I drive through tunnels — not every tunnel and not every time, but when the opportunity is there, I usually inhale a big lungful before going in and see if I can make it. I don’t remember why or when I started doing it, but it was a long time ago. Read the rest of this entry →

06

06 2014

I’m With Stupid – April 25, 2014

WATCH WHERE YOU’RE AIMING THAT THING
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallEveryone knows that one of the best things about being a guy is the ability to pee standing up just about anywhere. It’s kind of like a superpower, and I, for one, am thankful every time I urinate al fresco. But as five Spider-Man movies in the past 12 years remind us: With great power comes great responsibility. Frankly, some of you young fellows have been abusing that responsibility lately.

First there was Daniel Athens, the 23-year-old man who last week was sentenced to 18 months in prison for urinating on the Alamo, which to me seems like an obvious thing to not urinate on. Read the rest of this entry →

25

04 2014

I’m With Stupid – September 28, 2012

PEELING AWAY LAYERS OF THE ‘ONION CONSPIRACY’
by Todd Hartley

If there’s one thing that defines me as a human being (other than the words “brilliant,” “handsome” and “modest,” of course), it’s that I despise onions. I despise them the way Tea Partiers despise Obama, the way Mahmoud Ahmadinejad despises Israel, the way my son despises nap time. In short, it would be virtually impossible for someone to dislike anything as much as I dislike onions. Read the rest of this entry →

28

09 2012

I’m With Stupid – February 3, 2012

I FEEL A GREAT DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE
by Todd Hartley

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away – actually, it was last month in Portland, Oregon, but just go with me – a valiant knight of the revered order of Jedi suffered two great injustices at the evil hands of the galactic empire. Such aggression will not stand, my friends, so I humbly beg of you now to join me in my effort to liberate David Allen Canterbury, one of the last remaining Jedis in the Pacific Northwest.

Canterbury, known to some as Obi-Wan Canternobi, must have witnessed some sort of horrible crime at a Toys R Us store, Read the rest of this entry →

03

02 2012


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