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Posts Tagged ‘russia’

I’m With Stupid – September 5, 2014

WHEN WILL THE REPTILE ABUSE FINALLY END?
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallA month ago, I wrote a column chronicling the serious matter of the Russian satellite Foton-M4, which was carrying five geckos so that scientists could spy on the lizards having sex or, as the scientists claimed, conduct a “study of the effect of microgravity on sexual behavior.”

I know you were all captivated by the story, so it is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that all five geckos have died. The Foton-M4 returned to Earth on Monday, but all the geckos were dead and appeared to have been deceased for at least a week Read the rest of this entry →

05

09 2014

I’m With Stupid – August 1, 2014

IF THE SATELLITE’S A-ROCKIN’ DON’T COME KNOCKIN’
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallOK, you can relax now, people. The big crisis in Russia is over. Everything is going to be all right.

Well, maybe not everything. I mean, there’s still the whole Ukraine thing with its downed airliner, missiles and land mines, but at least Russian scientists know what the geckos are doing to one another again.

You’ve been following the saga of the geckos, right? It’s only the biggest, most salacious news story of the year in the scientific world. Read the rest of this entry →

01

08 2014

I’m With Stupid – June 3, 2011

BURY MY HEART (BUT NOT THE REST OF ME) AT WOUNDED KNEE
by Todd Hartley

Here’s a word for you all to consider: taphephobia. That’s the fear of being buried alive. When you hear people talk about irrational fears, taphephobia is by no means one of them. Fearing spiders is irrational, at least until you get bit by a black widow. Fearing being buried alive is very, very rational. In fact, if that’s something you’re not afraid of, you’re kind of an idiot. Oh, you may be a brave idiot, but rest assured (as you will see) that you are an idiot nonetheless. Read the rest of this entry →

03

06 2011

I’m With Stupid – February 25, 2011

ALLAH PAINTS GRAFFITI ON NEWBORN RUSSIAN CHILD
by Todd Hartley

Here at I’m With Stupid, one of our favorite recurring themes, other than trying to write the longest, oddest run-on sentences we can, is poking gentle fun at people who think they see religious images in everyday stuff.

Obviously, we’ve covered Mary appearing in ceiling tiles and window smudges, and we devoted a great many column inches to a moth that bore a stunning resemblance to Jesus, but we’ve also reported on toasters that sear Christ’s likeness onto slices of bread; Read the rest of this entry →

25

02 2011

For fannies too fine for lowly cow leather

Editor’s note: This is the third and hopefully the last installment in an unexpectedly three-part series on animals and the myriad everyday uses we as humans can dream up for them.

Shortly after the publication of my last column, a thoughtful essay on the practicality of the Dawson’s bee of the Australian outback, I received this plaintive e-mail from my brother-in-law Bob in Maryland:

“I was getting excited reading your column, feeling the sense of anticipation and then … not one single reference to the Dawson bee’s penis, a stinging let down after all that buzz.” Read the rest of this entry →

20

11 2009

Who tore Lenin a new one?

I don’t know much about history. (I don’t know much biology either, but that’s not the point of this column.)

I suppose I know a little about American history, but it’s a woefully inadequate amount. Random phrases such as “Hawley-Smoot Tariff,” “Tammany Hall” and “Millard Fillmore” pop into my head from time to time, but, to be honest, I don’t know what any of them mean. I think the Fillmore guy owned a couple of concert venues in San Francisco and New York. Beyond that, however, I couldn’t tell you the first thing about him. Read the rest of this entry →

03

04 2009

Home is where the EDAR is

Some of you may have missed a tragically underreported, heartwarming sports story out of Melbourne, Australia, recently. So momentous was this particular soccer game that I feel it’s important for you to know about it.

With a symbolic 5-4 victory in the championship game Tuesday, war-ravaged Afghanistan slew mighty Russia to claim the title at the World Cup … for homeless people. The annual event, which raises awareness of the problem, is open only to players who live on the streets or are in drug or alcohol rehab. Read the rest of this entry →

12

12 2008

Like a Sherman tank through Georgia

Imagine if the people of Garfield County considered themselves an ethnic group — Garfielders, let’s say — that was somehow different from everyone else in Colorado. That would seem pretty silly, don’t you think?

Next, imagine that Garfielders were so insistent on their differentness that they would do battle for two decades with the rest of Colorado in an attempt to secede and establish Garfield County as its own sovereign nation. That would be downright laughable if people weren’t getting killed as a result. Read the rest of this entry →

15

08 2008


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