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Posts Tagged ‘space’

I’m With Stupid – December 30, 2016

ALIENS COULD BE PREPARING TO INVADE YOUR TOWN
by Todd Hartley

Get your guns and canned goods and get ready to hunker down, folks. The fit is about to hit the shan. The alien invasion is on. If you have an underground bunker in which to hide out, I recommend going there and staying there now. But don’t trust me; trust none other than the New York Post. Witness this headline from Dec. 27, 2016: “Scientists say radio signals from deep space could be aliens.”

You see what I’m saying? It’s about to get real. Somebody get Jodie Foster and tell her that her dad wants to talk to her. We may have just made contact. Read the rest of this entry →

30

12 2016

I’m With Stupid – September 5, 2014

WHEN WILL THE REPTILE ABUSE FINALLY END?
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallA month ago, I wrote a column chronicling the serious matter of the Russian satellite Foton-M4, which was carrying five geckos so that scientists could spy on the lizards having sex or, as the scientists claimed, conduct a “study of the effect of microgravity on sexual behavior.”

I know you were all captivated by the story, so it is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that all five geckos have died. The Foton-M4 returned to Earth on Monday, but all the geckos were dead and appeared to have been deceased for at least a week Read the rest of this entry →

05

09 2014

I’m With Stupid – August 1, 2014

IF THE SATELLITE’S A-ROCKIN’ DON’T COME KNOCKIN’
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallOK, you can relax now, people. The big crisis in Russia is over. Everything is going to be all right.

Well, maybe not everything. I mean, there’s still the whole Ukraine thing with its downed airliner, missiles and land mines, but at least Russian scientists know what the geckos are doing to one another again.

You’ve been following the saga of the geckos, right? It’s only the biggest, most salacious news story of the year in the scientific world. Read the rest of this entry →

01

08 2014

I’m With Stupid – June 8, 2012

MARS AIN’T THE KIND OF PLACE TO RAISE YOUR KIDS
by Todd Hartley

Hey, all you aging Baby Boomers and Gen-Xers, are you looking for somewhere more interesting to retire than Florida or Arizona? Do you have no interest in spending your days playing golf and sunning by the pool? Is warm weather not really your thing? Then have I got an offer for you.

Sign up now to see if you’ve got the right stuff to retire to the hippest new destination in the solar system: sunny Mars! Well, sunny when massive dust storms aren’t engulfing the planet, anyway. Read the rest of this entry →

08

06 2012

I’m With Stupid – February 10, 2012

THE BIZARRO MIRROR AT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE
by Todd Hartley 

Based on my routinely exhibited ability to make grandiose statements that can’t be proven wrong but for which I nevertheless have no proof, I’ve always thought I would make an excellent astrophysicist. As such, I like to stay apprised of the latest trends in space exploration, and last week I saw a couple of news items that caught my eye.

The first concerned the creation of the world’s largest mirror, which was built on a remote mountaintop in the Chilean desert and passed its scientific verification last week. Read the rest of this entry →

10

02 2012

I’m With Stupid – August, 12, 2011

RUNNING OUT OF SPACE TO PUT ALL OUR JUNK
by Todd Hartley

Way to go, people. We’ve done it again. Give ourselves a hand!

We morons have gone and done something I would have sworn was impossible. We weren’t content to just pollute the land, sea and sky. Oh no, not us. We had to go and pollute Space!

Are you kidding me? Space is infinite, and yet we somehow produce so much crap that we’ve managed to pollute it? How is that possible, people? We’re not talking about Staten Island here. It’s Space, for Pete’s sake. It’s much bigger than Staten Island. Read the rest of this entry →

12

08 2011

Commencing countdown, engines on … or not

It’s been a big last few weeks for the venerable European Space Agency (ESA), the organization charged with advancing the cause of space travel throughout the continent. Currently, everyone who’s anyone in the European air and space industries is at the prestigious Paris Air Show, which runs through June 21, and just last month the ESA selected its latest crop of rookie astronaut candidates, including two Italians, a Frenchman, a German, a Dane and an Englishman, Tim Peake, who has been dubbed “Major Tim” by the excited U.K. press. Read the rest of this entry →

19

06 2009


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