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Posts Tagged ‘texas’

I’m With Stupid – April 21, 2017

THINGS THAT ARE BAD SUBSTITUTES FOR TOILET PLUNGERS
by Todd Hartley

You know that feeling you get when you flush the toilet and the water starts going up instead of down? Jerry Seinfeld called that situation arising at a party “the most frightening moment in the life of a human being.” I agree completely. But even when you’re just at home by yourself, it’s still a terrifying predicament.

Fortunately, the horror has only befallen me a handful of times over the years, no doubt because I’m so dainty and eat such a sensible diet. And, as luck would have it, I actually know exactly what to do in that situation, which is to turn off the valve on the pipe running to the toilet before the soiled water spills out over the top of the bowl. Read the rest of this entry →

21

04 2017

I’m With Stupid – April 25, 2014

WATCH WHERE YOU’RE AIMING THAT THING
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallEveryone knows that one of the best things about being a guy is the ability to pee standing up just about anywhere. It’s kind of like a superpower, and I, for one, am thankful every time I urinate al fresco. But as five Spider-Man movies in the past 12 years remind us: With great power comes great responsibility. Frankly, some of you young fellows have been abusing that responsibility lately.

First there was Daniel Athens, the 23-year-old man who last week was sentenced to 18 months in prison for urinating on the Alamo, which to me seems like an obvious thing to not urinate on. Read the rest of this entry →

25

04 2014

I’m With Stupid – July 5, 2013

WHEN CRYSTAL BALLS AND TAROT CARDS GO AWRY
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallA few years ago I paid a visit to a psychic, but only because when I say I “paid” a visit, I mean someone gave me a psychic reading as a gift. Psychics aren’t the sort of thing I would ever pay for myself. This is not because I’m a skeptic, mind you, but I already know everything, so there’s nothing new a clairvoyant could tell me.

I will give the psychic credit, though; she tried to tell me some new things. For instance, she told me my money woes would clear up in a few months and that I had a third child on the way soon. I found the latter prediction rather interesting since I only had one child at the time and have yet to father a second. Read the rest of this entry →

05

07 2013

I’m With Stupid – March 22, 2013

A HUMBLE ODE TO POULTRY-SAUTEED BEEF
by Todd Hartley

Todd Hartley-smallI don’t follow a lot of rules when it comes to eating. I know that’s hard for many of you to believe, given my chiseled abs and total lack of body fat, but it’s true. I have guidelines — mostly having to do with avoiding vegetables and similarly healthy foods — but as far as rules go, I pretty much have only one: If the name of a dish consists of three things I like, I’m going to order that dish.

Let me give you an example: chili cheese fries. Do you enjoy chili, cheese and fries? Chances are you’re going to love chili cheese fries. Read the rest of this entry →

22

03 2013


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