Zero Budget Productions

THE HELL I FACE WHEN THE INTERNET GOES DOWN
by Todd Hartley

This morning, as I sit down and write this column, my worst fears have come true. The Internet is down and I am left with naught but my own imagination for inspiration. There will be no stories of morons doing their moronity, scientists passing off speculation as truth or college crybabies whining that their feelings got hurt. This morning, I’m all alone, and it’s terrifying.

By the way, when I say that this constitutes “my worst fears,” I’m speaking, um — damn it, I need to look up a word — but anyway, I don’t really mean it. Obviously, I have much worse fears, but it might give you an idea of how outrageously First World my problems are that I can even count the Internet being down as something I worry about. Read the rest of this entry →

I’LL HAVE TWO BIG BITES WITH EXTRA GOLD, PLEASE
by Todd Hartley

I’m a little worried today, people, and I need to unburden myself to somebody, so you’ll have to do. You see, I have a disturbing feeling that my food bills are about to go up considerably, and I’m not sure what I can do about it.

Now, before you go thinking that this has something to do with the looming sequester we’ve all been hearing so much about, I can assure you it doesn’t. I have no idea what the sequester is, and I can’t seem to make myself care. Read the rest of this entry →

THE ORGANIC REINCARNATION OF PROUD OZYMANDIAS
by Todd Hartley

I live in a small mountain town – population 3,836 – but it’s not that small. It’s part of a larger valley with tourist destinations at both ends and a decent-sized population that likes to think of ourselves as somewhat cosmopolitan. Thus it is with great fanfare that we recently welcomed to the valley our very own Whole Foods Market.

When I tell you the anticipation had been building for years, I am absolutely not kidding. This project has been on the books since wooly mammoths roamed our valley. Read the rest of this entry →